Growing up with my 'tween: Why I don't want to talk

It wasn’t long ago that she slept on my chest, resting her ruffled bottom in the palm of my hand.  She was my first baby, and now I see her tan and tall, limbs stretching and curves beginning to show, and I see. Suddenly, she is a little woman.

I don’t really want to talk about this, not with her or with you.  I don’t want to talk about growing up and body changes and boys and dating and heartbreak and scary stuff.  I don’t wanna. 

Yet I am more and more convinced, mothers, that we must talk.
We must talk early and often about all things important. Our growing daughters need us, and our ‘tween daughters (mostly) still want to hear what we have to say.  Mothers, we must take advantage of this.

But first, let’s sort out some of the reasons why this is so hard.

Why we don’t talk about important things with our girls.

We are distracted by many things.

There are so many things vying for our attention. Sitting down to connect with the heart of our daughter- does that even make it on the “if I have time” list? 

Our parent’s didn’t talk, much.  Let’s face it, the culture was different when we were kids, and when they were kids… of course, I wasn’t there, but I picture Mayberry. Our parent’s parents really didn’t talk.  I remember the old women in the nursing home being shocked about the young women “flaunting” their pregnant bellies. In their day, even married women hid pregnant bellies along with all evidence of sex.

We don’t know how.  If we did not speak openly in own homes when we were little, how can we begin to have these conversations with our own children? Yet, if we can’t speak openly, how can we teach, and how can we give them permission to question and seek answers?

We are in denial or terrified. We don’t believe they are growing up after all. If we pretend it is not happening, maybe it won’t.

We don’t have all the answers. We know times have changed, and that children are facing these issues at a much younger age. We are tempted to lock them in cages until they are adults so we can all skip this entire battle. If we choose to let them “out” in the world- how do we help them navigate it? 

We feel like hypocrites. Are we really going to tell our children they can’t do something we did? Will they see through our “double standard?” Should we tell them the Truth? Or should we bend His Truth a little bit so we don’t feel like such hypocrites?

We are waiting for that perfect moment. We think somehow we will know, in our gut, or when the stars align just right.  We will have A TALK, and it will go so well that that will be the end of it.  When that day comes, we will be ready for it. But we’re not ready today, so this must not be that day.

We don’t want to ruin their innocence.  We don’t want to end her childhood early. We don’t want to give them information they are not ready for.  We don’t want to be a part of that culture that would rob them of their remaining little-girl days.

And so, we wait.  We get distracted, or we are afraid, or we don’t know what to do, and so we wait. We wait until the big topics come up at school or with friend.  We wait until they ask, or until they stop asking and start getting their answers somewhere else.

Mothers, we dare not delegate this responsibility to the schools or their peers. We must talk. This is one thing I know for certain. 

Father, you have given us a little girl, and this girl grows quickly.  We are her gardeners, for this season, and we are not sure how exactly to care for her while she grows and blooms.   Keep her in Your grace, Father. Feed her body and soul, and keep Your hand on her heart. Use our hands to nurture and care for her in ways that are good for her. Grow her up in You, and grow us up right along with her. In Jesus’ Name, Amen

Join me on Tuesdays for a weekly discussion on raising ‘tween girls.  I am not sure what I’m doing here, but I’ll do it in public. Flounder around with me, will ya?

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Which of these issues do you relate to?

Have you overcome these things in your family?

I’d love to hear from you!

Next week: Why we must talk