A two-year old's guide to Fit Throwing

** This little guy turns six this week! We made it through the twos, and threes, and so on... it's mostly a blur, and I have no real advice to mothers of 2yr olds other than yes, they know your weaknesses!  (Reposted from April 2011)

We poor toddlers have so much going against us.  We are surrounded by beings much larger than us, and the largest of the beings, the "mother," seems to have been created solely to thwart our fun-having and world-exploring efforts at every turn.  We would utterly despair, and perhaps shall, if all of our weaponry against them proves ineffective.  As for me, in all of my two years, I have found no success with weapons weilded by my siblings.  I have little success with the Winning Smile; the Reasoned Argument is yet out of my reach; the Sibling Blame is only possible for those who have walked on this earth for even longer than I, and taken ample time to store up the vocabulary and body language to decieve the mother.

As for me, I have grown in wisdom and knowledge, and have wisely reduced my arsenal against the large beings to one category: the fit.

The Fit has many uses and can be displayed in various forms.


The wilted flower
Slowly sink to your knees, hang your head and shoulders, and maintain grief-filled silence.  Refuse eye contact.  If a Large Person attempts to cajole you into talking or tempts you to smile, summon the powers of your imagination.  Envision a torn blankie left in a mud puddle, or stepped-on cookie, or anything else that causes your heart to ache with deep and indescribable pain, and continue to wilt.

The skull cracking scream:  When injured or wronged, you may find this scream comes naturally to you.  My only advice to my peers who use this weapon: Make sure you are not in arm's reach of the mother.

The toothy attack

A tool best used on siblings when the Large People are not looking.  Your stature may be small, but an attack with your entire body is often effective.  Run towards your enemy, and grab him.  A proper grab utilizes the muscles of the arms, legs, and jaw.

The leaky faucet
Best used on tired Large People.  At random intervals throughout the day, emit unhappy noises. Screams, whines, fusses, and gibberish complaints are all acceptable.  You do not need a reason for such noises, your job is to simply make them frequent and relentlessly.  If you are feeling creative, you may want to add some bangs, crashes, and "injuries" just to mix it up a bit.  If successful, the mother may give you a blankie and set you in front of your favorite movie while she hides in another room. But beware: if you push her too quickly, you may just end up with an extra nap.

The despairing soul

When you find yourself frustrated, and unable to solve your problem with screaming, try this technique.  First, make your desires known in the best and loudest manner possible.  If the mother, chair, stool, or toy refuses to obey your clear direction, fall dramatically to your knees.  (See wilting flower above.)  After a moment's wilt, make plain the utter despair welling in your heart by sinking to the floor.  From your knees, crash forward to your belly, splaying arms and legs out wide to show the depth and width and height of your despair.  Roll from your stomach to your back, ensuring you still have an audience.  If you hear laughter or any other unhelpful noise (like advice on your problem,) simply roll back to your stomach and display the utter sadness and hopelessness of a splattered bug.

Daily I build my arsenal, daily I practice my techniques.  I do not give up, because I see the Large People around me are imperfect, vulnerable to attack, and prone to their own version of fit-throwing.  Though I cannot yet claim victory, I sense that the mother is weary.  My triumphant reign may be right around the corner.  I shall press on.

Lessons from little boys

Sometimes all of nature conspires to make a fool out of you.

And Nature, as if she were a Big Sister,
refuses to accept blame,
but in her silence simply mocks the fact of accusation.

Exercise time

Just keep smiling brothers, 

but make it a charming smile.

Try not to smirk as you think about the irony of this situation:

coming to the park with mother,

who packs our stroller,

and lunches,

and bikes,

who buckles us in,

and drives while we relax,

and unpacks the stroller,

and lunches,

and bikes,

and carries the baby

while she carries a wild hope

that this outing will tire US out!

Just keep smiling brothers.

Anticipate big pushes from the mother

who anticipates a quite nap time.

Let her push, and let her hope.

And when we get home,

let her sleep.

Thing 2 and Thing 1

“It’s snack time!” mom yelled, so to mommy I ran

Mouth watering, eager for snacks from her hand

I stood with my siblings and was happy to see

Not one treat, but TWO kinds of treats before me!

Two plates, two offerings, two sugary sweets

Mom said, “Take your pick! Which would you like to eat?”

“Only one?” I worried, “So I have to choose?

Pick one, and leave one for others to use?”

Thing 1 looked delicious, thing 2 looked so yummy

How could I choose only one for my tummy?

My sisters and brothers chose quickly and ran

Outside in a hurry, sweet treats in their hands

I stared at the plates, wondering, fretting,

How will I know if the best I am getting?

I reached with two hands, hoping mom I would fool,

But she stopped me and said, "Just one, that's the rule!"

I made up my mind, put thing 2 on my plate,

said "thank you" to mommy, then took a bite- WAIT!

Now I see those chocolate-y chips in thing 1!

My eyes filled with tears, OH, what have I done!

I pleaded with mother, can I put this one back?

Can I switch now and choose thing 1 for my snack?

Surely no one will notice that one little bite

mother please, for the love of all things good and right!

But mom just shook her head, closed her ears to my cry

So I gritted my teeth, and I let my snack fly

It sailed from my hand through the air just like that-

Hit mom on the head, then fell with a SPLAT

Now I sit in the corner-

No snacks, and no fun

Because mom would not give me

Both thing 2 and thing 1

The middle child considers his plight

I remember the days of old and my heart aches within me
I think of the stroller rides, the rocking chair,
the high chair in the kitchen, when mother would feed me early,
while she cooked for the others.

I remember when I was first place in the heart of the big sister,
the object of her coos, and the rider on her hip!
People in public stopped to smile at me,
but now they see only that baby.

The stroller rolls along but it is not me in the chariot
I run on my tiny legs behind,
Legs that refuse to grow long enough so that I can beat the big kids in a race
I receive no help with shoes nor am I asked to help another.
The bigger ones carry stuff; nobody carries me
They call me, "cute" yet pretend I am a "big helper," as if that will make me eager to do these awful jobs they have thrust upon me.


I have been displaced, smushed between siblings, and wronged on all sides, but I shall not despair.


Though I am small in stature and strength,

I overflow with charm and creativity.
The jobs I am given I will wisely delegate to another.
The hearts of the sisters can be moved to pity by a show of helplessness
And the brothers are blind to my maneuvers

I may have lost the fat cheeks and thighs,
but I have gained an eye-sparkle and magical smile;
a smile that has been known to disarm the angriest of mothers.

I will harness my powerful wit
build it up with much practice and patience
and one day, use it to reclaim absolute power over this household.

Lamentation of the growing baby

"No!" that wonderful word,

the word that has offered me protection, 

made the sisters remove the tiaras, 

removed big brothers from my back!

"No" restored my snacks to my hand,

and preserved my place on the mother's lap.

"No" to brothers, no to sisters that beg the hands of the mother,

No, no siblings,  none of your needs can be so urgent, so desperate, and so cute as the needs of the baby!

The mother carries such power, such majesty when she wields that one word.

She brandishes the "no" with justice, and integrity,

She takes thought for the poor, she has mercy on the lowly, 

She protects the sweet baby of the family.

Are you talking to ME?

Why, O mother, have you turned against me?

Why, do you forget our covenant and hurl the powerful "no" at your dear baby?

I plead with you, recall my sweet baby smell and fat baby thighs,

be not deaf to my coos and my groaning!

"No" rebukes my grabbing hands,  

I grieve the cords and the plants that are left unchewed.

"No" cuts off the flight of the Cheerio;

I mix tears with my food all day long.

How long, O Mother?  

Have mercy on your sweet baby!  

Remember the fruit of your womb,
and restore his freedom!

For more like this see Grunt Interpretation

big plans

Behold, young brothers, the land we shall conquer together.

Take up your sticks, and set your jaw for the mountain top.

Let not the snake or the coyote make you tremble; together we will prevail against our foes.

Remember the days of old, in our mother's basement. 

She patronized us, calling our work "noisy downstairs time." 

Her eyes saw but did not see the warriors in training;

her ears heard screams, but could not hear them as the battle cries of those who would one day conquer the wilderness.

Recall the hours practicing with sword and with sheild, and bring to mind the techniques and maneuvers we perfected on each other.

Of the injuries sustained, was there one that did not heal? 

No, each one made us stronger and wiser,

and prepared us for a moment of glory.

Today, we shall reap the reward of those days of pain and hardship.

Onward, little brothers, into the wild!

I'll be right behind you.

A Psalm of complaint

How long will the wicked prosper?

How long will mine enemy triumph over me?

I praise your name all day long, O mother, I go forth to declare your glory

I follow in your footsteps night and day,

See O mother, how I love your law!

I wash my hands in the bathroom according to your word

If I see an open fridge, I close it

And a dropped sippy cup, I retrieve it without complaint

My hands have not thrown blocks at my brothers

though they taunt and ridicule me without ceasing

My feet have not wandered to the puddle or the road or the field

My laundry, though it sticks to my hands and offends my nose,

I have placed in the basket as you have commanded

My stomach has submitted to your harsh schedule of meals and snacks

My ears are attentive to your numerous lectures,

and my eyes divert not away to the television

Yet you, O mother, do not heed me in my distress!

My tears are my food and my face is caked with mud

My brothers scoff, they smite me to my face

How long will you keep silent?!

Hang up the phone and heed my cry!

Do not hide your face from me in the office!

Judge the wicked, O mother!

Make them drink the cup of your wrath!

fill them with corner-standing, spankings, and green beans,

until their hearts are turned to you once more!

Alpha kitchen buddy

Behold, wise big brother, I spy another strange thing.  See, this youngest of all the brothers, this tiny one who cannot scheme nor plot nor bend mother's ear with an argument, this runt has procured for himself a treat most delectable.  Tell me, older brother, how is it that he feasts on the sugary sweet gifts of angels, while mother attempts to pacify us with mere twigs of the earth?

Indeed, young apprentice, the injustices of this life are difficult to bear.  Mother gives us an offering called "granola," while in front of our very eyes bestowing the richest blessings of the cupboards upon the small one. Take heart, brother, for God will repay the wicked, and will make her answer for her deeds.  Let us now humble ourselves, and inquire of the small one, for perhaps he has not yet learned to guard his precious secrets.  Perhaps he will reveal to us the secret key to the bounty of the pantry.

Brothers, are you so foolish?  Do you imagine that the power I have over our mother can be stolen like a rattle from my hand?   God has again used what is of no account in this world to shame those who think themselves wise.    In my fat thighs and round belly I store the power to charm the mother.  My soft skin and baby smell uplift her mood like wine!  A smile, a giddy inhale, or a mere flash of my dimple can cause her to forsake even the IPOD for me.  I may be small, but what I have can never be taken from me. 

Bow down brothers.
I am the baby.

Temptation

"Wise, esteemed older brother, what say you of this curious phenomenon? Do mine eyes deceive, or is it indeed a gift to us from the highest heaven?"

"Ah, yes, my young apprentice, that is something exceedingly precious. Our mother calls it "No No," and decries its messiness, but alas, she blasphemes! But behold, we must be wise in our approach, as her eyes are in every place."

"I see, Teacher, but what then shall we do? The entity pulls me towards it with mysterious gravity, and I find myself unable to resist its overtures."

"Indeed, she beckons me as well. We needent wait long, young one. Let us begin with innocent rock throwing, and await the moment when our immersion can be conceived as accidental. "

Thou shalt not judge

How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me ridicule the boogers on your face,' when you yourself fail to see the layers of crust on your own face? You hypocrite! First wipe the crust from your own face, and then you will see clearly enough to to teach good hygiene skills to your brother!