Friday, April 17, 2026

in this one...

 May be an image of polaroid and grass


In this one (snapshots)


In this one, his hair is longer than it’s been for years, and he’s talking to someone new: A giant of a man, holding a tiny baby while he rocks in a camp chair under the pavilion. These men are both vets, both fathers, making connections over family, faith, and war.  If they have similar scars, you can’t tell from the picture. Today, they are both smiling. There is gray in his dark curls. There is tentative courage in his voice. 


In this one, he sits across the picnic table from her, swinging his keys on his finger. He looks out over the water; she looks at his face. She grips her contigo in her hand, trying to hold on to more than just the coffee. She studies his face, she sees the insecurity in his smile as his words come out joking-but-earnest. Heavy motorcycle boots stabilize him as he tries to gather a few thoughts from the chaotic swarm flying all over the lake. She loves having a front seat to his process. 


In this one, she is sitting on the cement front porch steps. Her eyes are closed and head is back against the white siding on the house. She’s not aware of the sun on her face but the sounds from indoors: singing lessons. She can hear the piano, the pauses, the instructions “stand up straight! Hands out of your pockets!” She knows she may not sit nearby and gawk so she has found a nearby space, giving them a respectable distance, where she can smile and listen and pray in the sunshine, while teenagers step out into love and risk, with singing.


In this one, he strums the acoustic guitar by the campfire, and even though others are present, he dares to sing. His eyes are closed- perhaps for courage? or to resist the temptation to look at her face to see what she thinks?  She is curled up in a bulky sweatshirt on the camp chair next to him; what will she do with her face? Does she know the power she holds? Before long, she joins her voice to his, and both get stronger. And the one who holds the camera finally exhales. 


In this one, she is standing with arms akimbo, knees bent, VR headset and a smile on her face; the garage floor is clean for once. Outside the dog barks at the Amazon delivery truck; a man with a giant box is just doing his job. She hears all this over the roar of the fan and the loud music; she considers pausing to avoid awkwardly being caught in exuberance. She imagines the quick glance and embarrassed smirk that might happen if she gets caught; she’s seen it a hundred times when she keeps dancing at a stoplight.  But the music is too fun and the virtual targets keep coming; why pause when you could be dancing?


In this one, she is wearing a messy bun and workout clothes, sitting on the driveway surrounded by parts of a wheelbarrow, scowling at the instructions. Yesterday she had to ask for help starting the powerwasher. She has wimpy grip strength, and it turns out, a flooding sense of overwhelm when she looks at diagrams with numbers and parts and measurements. She’ll probably decide to write about quitting instead. 


Wednesday, April 15, 2026

the "more" He has for me

     When the ground started to shift at the other place, I spent some time hunkered down in resistance, clawing at any root I could find. I set my jaw and crossed my arms and leaned against a rock of unwillingness. 

Slowly, the love of God soaked into the ground underneath that giant rock. It went all the way down to where the fears lived, like I Can’t Do This Again, It Won’t Be Ok, and What About the Children? 

The love of God soaked all the way down to the hard, brittle parts of me that think it’s their job to Make it Ok, Keep it Together, and Get it Under Control.


And the love of God seeped down deep, and like a holy acid, broke down all those strong supports that held up the rock of unwillingness. And one day there was a decisive storm, a flood and a great collapse. The rock of unwillingness fell down, over a cliff into a deep valley, against my will but also somehow freeing it.
I found myself on the edge overlooking a great expanse. I have more in store for you. 

“But what? and how will it be? and will it work out? and what about the children? 

No answers. Only Presence. 


And then, we just sat there. For a long time. Days, weeks, months of the tension: trying to live present in one place with awareness of shifting ground and things on the move. 

I remember the dizzying feeling, sitting on the heights with the Lord, trying to imagine what’s next for me in the valley.  We sat there as possibilities came and went, fog rolled in and out.

We’re approaching one year in this new house, in this new life. I am still unpacking all the “more” He has here for us. This week I had a wonderful sing-and-ride on my motorcycle: 80 degrees, open fields, spring bursting out all over Illinois. I sang through all the wrenching aching love I have for my people in other states; danced through the joy of being present here. I drove over a bridge and caught my breath at the beauty- St Pauls, from this angle! Our new church home, the most recent place where we have found extended family!  It took my breath away.


I stopped to take a picture, to help me hold on to God’s gracious “I told you so.”

Saturday, April 4, 2026

Holy Week

 


Jesus said to Peter, “Put your sword into its sheath; shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?”
(See how he trusts God going into the darkness! Yet I have so many swords, so many ways I fight the cup God has prepared for me with teeth-gritting resistance.)

“We want Barabbas!”

(How humanity has always- how I have always- begged for that which would harm or kill me)

from the sermon: God works to END our own attempts to make things right in this world. Our best efforts come to nothing. Only God can make it all right.

And how Jesus sets his face towards suffering, towards pouring out

(while I squirm and flail and avoid my own crosses)

and He walks the path through hardship towards peace… for me

and pours Himself out still.. for me

may I be found with open hands, beneath his flood.



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