Homeschool for baboons

Home School for Baboons

You shirt is not a napkin

Your sleeve is not a kleenex

The dog is not a football

What will you do to me next?

The leash is not a lasso

Your brother is not a shield

That pancake is not a frisbee

I’ll send you to the field!

That lamp is not a swingset

The car is not a surfboard

Your bed is not a trampoline

The flute is not a sword

The trash is not your food

Bananas are not guns

The trampoline is breaking

We need another one!

I don’t care if he farted

Don’t hit him with a spoon

Mama’s getting tired of you

Acting like baboons!

Louder!

Not much to see here...
just some amazing staff from St. Peter's bringing down the house at the talent show ...

Lutheran Labor Singers

Join me over at Sisters of Katie Luther for an onion-style piece, inspired by the women singing and growing babies everywhere I look these days.

"I grew up in the Lutheran church, and my mother plays the organ. I cannot think of my own childhood without hearing the comforting sounds of Lutheran hymns at church, at home, and even in the car. And yet, it seemed odd to me… never once did my mother or grandmother have a choir involved in the childbirth process. I think the faithful of today need to take the next step and make that happen."

http://katieluthersisters.org/2015/06/lutheran-labor-singers/

In Summer (mom version)

Bees'll buzz

Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz

And I'll be doing whatever MOM does in summer

First aid kit in my hand

Bikes and children crammed in the van
It's not a vacation- you don't understand- it's summer!

One thinks flies are bees and one's afraid of storms

Another won't go into the water till it gets warm

And I can't wait to see

If my body holds up for me

Just imagine how much more work they'll be in summer!

Dah-dah, da-doo, a-bah-bah-bah bah-bah-boo

Each of my kids are just so intense

Put 'em together, it just makes sense!

Rrr-raht da-daht dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah dah dah doo

Winter's a good time to stay in and sit

But summer is coming and I say Oh... happy summer!

When days get rough and somebody's being mean

Just think of the laps that they will run, the things they'll clean...

Oh, the sky will be blue

And the mowers will eat their shooooes!
And we'll finally do what moms get to do in summer!

Thanks for the inspiration, Olaf :)

A tromp through the woods

We'd been stuck in this house for what seemed like ten years

With “what-can-we-do” whines and and “I-had-that-first” tears

We'd just about had it. We'll die before spring!

But then God sent the sunshine, and I said, “That's the thing

We needed! Now kids, find your boots right away!

We can't miss a minute of this almost-spring day!”

Rubber boots on our feet, but no coats for this crew

For who needs to bundle when it hits 42?

“No, we don't need jackets,” I said with delight

“See the snow melting? That means its just right

For a walk, or a run, or a skip through the woods!”

And Little One said, “Mom, you’re right! This feels good!”

We crunched through the leaves and we slushed through the snow

And the kids noticed things wherever they'd go:

A log, like a bridge, just over a stream

And a seed that looked just like a truffula tree

Big sister came too, balancing with a smile

The desire to run and to play like a child

And her kind, caring heart that helped her go slow

While Little One made his small tracks in the snow

She stayed close when he said, “Hey, watch me do this!”

And the steadying hand of his Really Big Sis

Helped him complete his challenging stunt

Proving to us that he's not just the runt.

Bare hands picked up snow and made mini snowmen

Then smashed them with boots and then did it again.

They squealed and they yelled until mom said to stop it

And Little One put his cold hand in in his pocket

Where he placed, oh so gently, his friend “woolly bear.”

And the older ones taunted and shouted out dares

“I dare you to jump!” “Bet I can!” “No you can't!

Then “Mommy there's mud on my shirt and my pants!”

“The laundry is worth it,” I said with a laugh,

“As soon as we’re home I’ll put you in the bath.”

While they jumped daring jumps and they played daring games

Those silly boys called things by the wrong names

“Look! An ear-scratcher!” “Nuh-uh! Pincher butt!”

Said the one who was nursing his wee little cut

From the clobster--or crawdad--he pulled from the mud

by the tree with the bumps, or rather, the buds.

All the while was a song flowing behind their words

The sweet sound of spring waters and the singing of birds

Praise God! Alleluia, Thanks Jesus! We say

For this tromp through the woods on this muddy spring day

  

The Ultimate (imaginary) Christmas Wish List for moms

What do I want for Christmas? My mother keeps asking me. I’d like to tell her something good, something that would really make my everyday life easier. But so far, I have not found any of these items on Amazon.  But, still, a girl can dream...

A nagging parrot

Trained to say, at appropriate times of day, “Did you brush your teeth? Make the bed? Zip your zippers? Practice the piano? What’s 3 x 5? Do you have any homework?)

A BS Indicator light

A tiny lie-detector to be worn by the children. A red light flashes when child is faking a tummy ache, an injury, innocence, etc. If BS does not dissapate after 5 minutes, the BS alarm wails until child assumes humble position in designated time-out location.

An encouraging parrot

“Yes, I see your picture, mmm hmmm, good job honey, that’s a great trick on the monkey bars…” Oh, and it should be able to spell, too.

Sleep dust

Self explanatory. I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be allowed have this because I would overuse it.

A cone of silence

For big mommy fits, or, just for… silence. Ahhhhhhh…

A Pause Button for Life

So I can dwell in those sweet lovey blankie snuggle sigh blessedly blessed moments and so that I can control a runaway temper. Maybe I could take a quick run on the treadmill while the children are “paused” instead of yelling at them. Or I could go sit by the pond. Or have a beer. Or put my feet up. Shoot, I’d overuse this one too, obviously.

Lifeline- phone a friend

I can phone a friend now, I know, but this magical lifeline would allow me to phone a friend AND keep the kids quiet and out of trouble for the duration of the phone call.

A personal force field

For those days when I just need a little space. I wouldn’t wear the force field every day, I promise. And the outside of it doesn’t HAVE to shock intruders. It just has to keep them out of my personal space, by any means necessary.

A drain in the middle of my dining room floor

(And a high-powered hose.) After dinner clean up made simple.

Portable, adjustable, invisible fence for children

Small range at the grocery store, then a larger range of play at the park… All the safety without the trouble of a “leash.”

Wireless turn-taking system

Because I just can’t keep track of it all.

Library books with voices

Trained so that, two days before they are due, they start hollering reminders at me from under beds, behind dressers, and in backpacks. (Important: must have an “off” switch.)

Magnetic Shoe Locating system

When mom turns the switch “on,” each child’s feet and shoes are paired perfectly, even if the shoes were downstairs under the couch. (Be sure doors are open before you turn the switch “on!” Some parents have reported finding their child stuck to a door with his shoe on the other side!)

Air hooks and air shelves

Keep things out of their reach, anytime, anywhere.

Whine spray

An air modification tool, designed to teach children to take long, slow, calm breaths and use quiet, calm words. Those who do not adapt sneeze and/or hiccup uncontrollably until they do.

A backup team

When it’s really out of control- a child throwing up, another on my leg, another running towards the road, another with hurt feelings, another laughing at everybody, and the dog attacking the UPS man— push a button, and certified childcare providers climb in the windows and repel from the celiling.

------------

Which of these would you choose?

Anything to add to my list?

That was weird

We came home from town today, and this little fella was in my kitchen.




I got him (gently) before the kitty did, and set him free.
The little ones were quite excited about the whole thing, of course.

What an odd interruption.

Two birds

Peanut butter and bird seed,

on a child's finger.

Taming our bird.

Peter thinks it's a good idea too.

(Sheesh mom, maybe you should focus on training your son, not your bird!)

bad ways to cope with summer vacation

Can you feel it? It's the middle of summer, moms.
Are you enjoying your "vacation?"

Or are you starting to dread walking into the same room as your kids?
When you hear them, when you hear your vocation callling (with screams and fights and spills,) are you starting to feel likea cat being shoved into a bath?



My favorite lately has been the fighting.
It's just my... favorite.
It's inspiring all kinds of creativity in this frazzled mama brain of mine.

Here are some things I've considered doing to help them grow in the fine arts of social interaction.
(Perhaps these thoughts are red flags?)

• Drop them off in the woods somewhere and make them find their way home.
• Try leashes, and maybe duct tape.
• Lock them in a small closet together and see who comes out alive.
• Separate them for the rest of their lives.
• Separate myself from them for the rest of MY life.
• Quit. Just quit being mom and make them fend for themselves. (Remove all junk food from the house first. Eat it. Laugh.)
• Bring it on: throw three pieces of gum in the middle of the six kids. Stand back. Take pictures.
• Make them run laps... around the entire city.
• Make children who act like animals stay outside. Require manners and decorum in the house, Downton Abbey style, including fancy clothes.
• Dress them in the get-along shirt, first thing in the morning.

(I've really only used this once. I set a five minute "love timer." It ended in laughter, so that was good.)

cat photo credit carpatys

Which is more disgusting?

First, recommended posts from this week (ish)

The Bible Summarized in Just a few Words
 Read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest this one.

The internet fast

I want to prioritize family and friends, and productivity and learning, over just generally consuming and being entertained. And that takes work because the Internet is so happy to entertain you. I want to find a way to use the Internet in that way, but unfortunately I'm really out of practice, so I kind of have to learn it from scratch. I don't think I got better at using the Internet by not using it.

For the Dog Days of Motherhood
"I am out of my mind and in my calling and desperate for five minutes alone and a lifetime together."

On feeling at home in your house and in your skin

Hospitality, and the choice: Panic or delight? Appearance or love?

What mamas need to know this summer

Mamas, especially those with tempers, need to read this.

When your temper scares you.
Sometimes you don't realize you have a temper until you have kids.
I will remember to eat. To treat myself will the same care I’d treat an explosive device and disarm with regular rest, exercise, food and friendship.

This full out war against my own angry, shouty spirit will be the biggest victory I am determined to win through motherhood

Second,

Which do you think is more disgusting?  

(These two things were presented to me in the span of 60 seconds.)

"Hey mama, look! I found this for you!"

A dead earthworm.

"Hey mama, Petie was chewing on this so I took it from him."

Some strangers fake fingernail.

Troll Mama Workout

Troll mama workout (by Carrie Cook)

1. Move sofa out of the way.
2. Replace Disney DVD with exercise video.
3. Explain to biggest troll that the ladies on the video aren't being naughty, exercise clothes sometimes show bellies like bathing suits.
4. Shoo baby troll away from cords.
5. Praise middle troll for trying to exercise too.
6. Pry baby troll off of your legs any time you stand still for longer than 2 seconds.
7. Answer no fewer than 15 questions (some repeated) for middle troll.
8. Request that the biggest troll pull the baby troll off your back.
9. Keep reminding big trolls that you need space so you don't injure them.
10. Restart DVD when baby troll commandeers the remote.
11. Chase down weights / any other gear that trolls have confiscated when you're not looking.
12. Watch out for trolls using you as a tunnel.
13. Hug any trolls you accidentally bump or knock over.
13. Perform various exercises throughout while the big trolls tell you that's not what the fitness ladies are doing.
14. Collapse on the floor at the end of the cool-down with exhaustion that has little to do with exercise.

The Trolls

Hammer time

A few nights ago, my son decided he wanted to build a dog house.

He is seven.

I suggested we start with basic building skills.

So he's practicing hammering.

I presented him with quite a difficult decision before he began:

Which hammer?

The black one, which is his...

or the other one, which is BIGGER, but has flowers on it!

Little brother got the flowers.

This  kept them busy for over an hour. The little ones watched, and the big girls joined in.

I highly recommend this activity.

Why I had to throw a party

It had been a long weekend. Two kids had a mild stomach bug. I'd been in the house too long. Daddy was going to be gone for the evening. The big kids were home for spring break, but nothing fun had happened yet, and they were full of restless energy.

Spring break.
And it was snowing.
It was a recipe for disaster.

I just didn't think we could handle one more "normal" night at home. It would be too much TV (in my opinion), not enough action (for them), too much noise (in my opinion), not enough excitement (for them)... tension and friction until my patience ran out (which some forecasters predicted would be as early as 3pm) and everyone was yelled off to an early bedtime.

But what could be done? We couldn't risk driving to town with two unpredictable boy stomachs.
We were stuck. At home. With our normal.
And normal was driving us all crazy.

Unless....
Unless I could figure out a way to shake up our normal.

I was desperate. Stuck in the house, dreading the evening, and desperate.
Naptime came, and I had a minute to think. I decided to try something different. Instead of just endure another evening, I'd try to shake up our normal.

I'd throw a party.
Just for us.

I gave myself some guidelines for this survival party:

• Keep it simple for your sake.
• A fun evening is worth any messes that will be made.
• And also, keep it simple.

I rummaged around my basement, and here's what I came up with.

Easter egg hunt.
It was freezing, and I had no candy, but I did have chocolate chips. They were willing to brave the cold for chocolate chips. (The big kids did the filling and the hiding for the little ones.

Ice Challenge

A container, ice, and some plastic coins.

Their challenge- how many coins can you get out of the tub with your bare feet in 5 minutes?

Finally, WATER PLAY.

We had water, and they had bathing suits. So what if it was snowing out. It was spring break after all! So we'd pretend it was summer in our basement. 

Also, they'd get those mats nice and clean. (Because clean mats are better Slip N Slides)

 Next, water balloon pinatas.

It was a nice theory, but they didn't pop very easily!

So they played catch...

Then they played bash-the-brother.

He loved it.

And finally,

the sleepout.

We put mattresses in the living room and all six of them slept out there. Of course, we danced first.

(Note the song- Aggie's favorite)

Then finally, TV.

Snuggles, and eventually, sleep.

The rest of the story

Yes, this was an incredibly fun way to spend what would have been a tense evening full of boredom and bickering. But before you comment with some sort of "Oh my goodness you are such a fun mom" spiel, let me tell you what happened the next day.

I collapsed. 

The oldest watched the youngest while I slept in. LATE. They watched LOTS of TV. And then I got up, and a little while later, I needed another nap. 

More babysitting. 

More TV. 

More messes.

More bickering.

But I guess that's life in a family, isn't it? 

It is series of sprints, with an occasional long nap.

Why is my son crying?

(Inspired by Reasons my son is crying. Check it out, it's really funny!)

Why my boys cried. 

This morning.

Because I won't let him have second breakfast while I'm still cleaning up the first.

Because "he shut the door on meeee!"

Because he wouldn't move and he did get hurt.

Because his brother squirted him!

Because I wouldn't move daddy's care so he could sweep under it.

Because I needed to use my garden shovel.

Because I ran out of crackers.

Because his brother tattled on him for eating all the grapes.

Because I gave him a time out, because he was trying to climb up the side of the school.

And because he sassed me.

Because he can't have cheese while in time-out.

Because his brother was pretending to shoot him with a stick.

Because he doesn't want a nap.

Because he tripped.

Because he really doesn't need a nap AT ALL.

I can't keep this photo collection up, folks. It's hard to snap a picture and offer sympathy or give direction at the same time! And I'd hate for them to think I'm not taking them seriously! But for this one morning, this was a good project for me. It helped me see how ridiculous my job can be, and why I have good reason to be as tired as I am!

Sometimes, I feel like I can work as hard as I can all day long, and still, at the end of the day, nobody is happy with me. And I am discouraged. Then I look at these photos and I realize, perhaps their approval is not the best standard!

few words

Well, they don't make t-shirts, but I needed some sort of acknowledgement, so I made myself one.

We made it, we are upheld, and now, I try to catch my breath.

Weak and Lovely series continues.... someday.

Not today.

Why? Because...

How to stop a fit in 3 seconds

Get out the camera.