Reach for the sky!

Last year, we broke our trampoline.

It was so incredibly sad. And humbling, because yes, I helped. Apparently me plus everybody = too much weight.  We will pretend it's because these kids are growing so much.

So, spring has finally arrived, and I really want to go buy another. I would like it here, set up, now.  Right now. I miss bouncing, and I miss the hours of exercise and giggles for the children.

After my husband agreed that we could spend the money, I got an idea.

It was a horrible, awful idea.



 I got an idea that would make my life more complicated, create more work for me and all of us.  It would require creativity, and persistence on my part and theirs.  It would be exhausting.

But it would be good for us.

Behold the trampoline project.

We're eyeing this one, unless I find a better deal locally.  I have time to shop around, because they won't earn it all in one day.

They have money from pet sitting, so I deducted that from the price.  $150 remains to be earned.

Because my kids are so given to destruction, I figured they'd like destroying something to mark their progress, rather than coloring in something, or checking off someting.

Every time they work to earn $1, they get to grab a cloud, crumple it up, and throw it in the trash.

They rip those clouds down with gusto.

They also made their own little people for the trampoline.  They like being able to move their own people up as the clouds disappear!

The day after we started this, my youngest two children shocked me: they got out of bed and immediately asked me, "What can we clean?" One had the broom and the other one had the dustpan!

Will they learn teamwork? Perseverance? Will the trampoline be that much more wonderful after they've worked for it?

I'll let you know, assuming we survive this project!

photo credit

More advice from the Successful Slacker (AKA My Awesome Dad)

Pick your battles wisely. 

Pastor's Kid

 As you struggle as a parent to hold your ground, remember that you while you may overpower him with your will, you don't want to totally break his spirit, and you may add fuel to the inevitable rebellion.

And don't ever give up on him. 

You will have your dark hours. 

But one day, like magic, he will turn into a reasonable, responsible and caring person. 

Pastor Cook, before he wore the pastor clothes

You will be amazed. 

You will think that your parenting skills are finally paying off. I tend to think it's more physiological, and the brain is finally, completely wired. 

But go ahead and take some credit! 

I'm sure it's a little of both. 

As a parent, you'll learn just how well  you can stick with a task, because it's going to take at least 18 years, maybe more.

Who else has a question for my dad?

Advice for me and other parents of difficult children?

I'd love to hear from you!

Slackers: the up side of rule-breaking

From my dad:


You've probably heard that old saying, "Rules are made to be broken."
Well, that was my motto! If there was a rule anywhere near me, I'd break it just to make a point. 


Nobody was going to tell me what to do. 


(And all the moms reading this who have children like you are sighing. Yep, that sounds about right.)

My cousin is sitting in the frame of the baby buggy 
that we eventually turned into a go cart.

We would push each other down the hill in the winter and crash into snowbanks. 

That's why there's only a frame left. 

That's me in the cowboy hat."

(A cowboy hat, mind you. not a helmet. Of course not.)

So, why this aversion to rules, dad? 

Someone like me has a hard time understanding that way of thinking. Don't you know that life is more peaceful when you just obey the rules?  

"I guess I just figured I'd do the telling. That's probably why I became the boss at the few" real jobs"  I had. Then of course when you own the business you're the boss."

This is why he owned a business, and then another one.

He likes to do things on his terms, in his way. And often, his way really is better. More efficient. 

More work with less effort.

Now that's something even I can appreciate.

My theory (my hopeful, optimistic theory:) The child who seems determined to break every rule, may be destined for a great leadership role someday. 

Now, to figure out how to keep us all alive until then....

Artificial incentives: Aren’t they all?

My current strategy with my slackers:

Whatever it is I want them to do, I try to tie it to something that THEY want.

Whatever it is I want them to stop, I try to tie that to something they do NOT want.

Sticker charts and A+s work for some kids. And blank spaces in themselves may be punishment enough.

The other kids force me to be more creative as I try to motivate them. They need artificial incentives tied to a job well-done. For example, I might praise a cleaned room with an extra snack. I give out “computer time’ for time spent reading.  I take away TV time for arguing.

If life doesn't give them a consequence for doing something they should not, I create an artificial link. 

Carrot theory: Artificial Incentives and consequences

At first, I have to admit, I felt a little annoyed that some kids would need this “artificial incentive.” It is strange to me that not all children would do extra credit work just for the satisfaction of the A+. To be honest, I tend to judge people who need these sorts of “artificial incentives” to do what they should be doing anyway.  

Wait, was my motivation really so pure?

Why do I want them to get good grades, anyway? So their teachers like them? So I can praise them and be proud of them?

It seems to me like the right answer to this question should be:
I want my children to do their best, to learn all that they can, so that they can use their God-given talents to serve Him and others.

Was that my motivation, during those years I jumped through hoops in school?

Um, no.

Not even a little.

I just liked people’s approval. I liked to be right. I liked to have the high score.

Later, in college, I discovered a passion for learning, and I became a student (as opposed to a hoop-jumper.)

Later still, thanks to the work of God in me, I started to care about using what I learned for the good of others. 

Until that time, I was motivated by my own artificial incentive: people’s approval.

Quite the humbling realization.

So, even I have not risen above the need for a carrot or two. And I do not believe my children have, either.

Our Carrots

Here are a few of the current carrots in our home: kindle time, night jumps on the trampoline, all day TV-channel-picking privileges, nap skipping, sleepovers, and food. Lots and lots of food. (extra food, not meals!)

Consequences: extra cleaning jobs, acorn running, solitary confinement, loss of privileges, and so forth. (Reminder to myself and you: The lecture, in and of itself, only counts as a consequence for the people-pleasing child. A frown is not a punishment.)

Isn’t this just “behavior modification,” and doesn’t it completely miss the more important issues of the heart?

Yep.

None of these strategies actually teach a child to love God and serve his neighbor.

It is my opinion that ONE of my jobs as mother is merely to help modify a child’s behavior.

This is not my only job, and not the most important job, but a job nonetheless.

Passion draws the heart.

Consequences nip at the ankles.

God uses mom’s hands in both areas.

Tell me, what do you think about artificial incentives?

Do you use carrots in your home? What kind?

And... isn't parenting EXHAUSTING?

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More to come, including: Digging for passion, nipping at ankles, and slacker strengths.

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On Slackers: Dig for the passion

How did this guy...

Turn into this guy?

A few hard knocks, army, factory, marriage, babies. In short, he grew up.
He will never be a conventional 9 to 5 worker. He enjoys the freedom of being self-employed. He is a successful businessman.

(Plus, he had two awesome daughters. Yep, that's my dad!)

His advice:



I think you have to work extra hard to help him first discover his passion for whatever, music,science, cars, (probably not girls though, he won't need your help there too much) then the challenge is to teach him the dedication it takes to really achieve. 


This is where the pushy parent is most useful, pointing out the not so obvious skills that he might have to develop and why it's important to, for ex; study math when he wants to buy a bar...

He'll get it someday, but I wouldn't patiently wait for that day. 


I'd push, demand, hold him to a higher standard than he would like.


Don't let him be too comfortable where he can coast and get by. 


He'll hate it, you'll hate it and it will all turn out good. 


He'll be grateful and you'll be proud.


That's the plan, anyway.

Preach it, dad.

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Slackers: Am I getting it, a little?

A child forgets her homework, then forgets that she forgot it because she doesn't care that she forgot it.
Then, she hears the lecture, shrugs it off, and forgets the same thing again the next day.


slacker!


I ask another child, "Why were you sent to the corner?"
"I don't remember." he says.
No lesson learned, no remorse. He's just happy to have the corner-standing bit done so that he can get back to doing what he feels like.


slacker!

Please don't misunderstand. I respect slackers. I appreciate people who truly do not care what other people think of them, because I know I care too much.  As one who was always motivated by smiley-face stickers and A+s, I have come to see that sometimes... that actually is a pretty crazy reason to do something.  I was not put on this earth to perform for gold stars.


I am trying to figure out how you think. So far, I think I have this much down for certain:


You do not care about my frowny-face.


In fact, my frowns, if they turn into attempts at pulling heartstrings and guilt-motivating, 


will probably make you respect me less;


Roll your eyes;


Care even less.



As my sister, a confessing slacker, explains, 
"I can tell you what did not motivate me. 
Reason did not motivate me, guilt did not motivate me. 
Consequences sometimes motivated me. 
Any pressure from anyone didn't motivate me, 
but only served to encourage me to further dig in my heels in a state of refusal."

Find out what happened to my favorite "slacker" tomorrow!

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Slackers, or parents of slackers, do you think this is accurate? 

What else do I need to know?

What do you do with the kid who doesn't care?

Most of you already know this: 

I was a nerd.

OK, fine, I AM a nerd.

There are many ways of being a nerd, but my particular brand of nerdiness is the kind that has not left me even to adulthood.

I am a people-pleaser.

This came in handy when I was a child. Teachers loved me. I did work simply because I was told to do it. I got As on my paper because I liked As, and so did the Authorities. I memorized times tables because my teachers wanted me to do it, and it made my parents happy. 

This is not always a good thing, of course, and I am learning that. 

But that is another can of worms. Today, I have a question for you- fellow parents, especially those of you who do not share my nerdy handicap.

What do you do with the kid who doesn't CARE?

I feel like I am learning a foreign language here!

When a kid gets a C- on a test... and doesn't cry, or hide it. Instead, the child SHRUGS!

There is not even a TUMMY ACHE when homework is forgotten and teachers are disappointed!

I pull out the big guns:

I use those crushing words, "I'm very disappointed," or "This makes my heart hurt," and instead of a child's world crumbing in repentance, I get... A SMIRK!

They are little, but I can see it coming...

"Mom, I'm not ever going to need to diagram sentences when I'm a race car driver."

"I just don't see why I'd use algebra when I'm on the road with the band!"

Mothers, what do you do with this kind of attitude?

Someone like... this guy:

 "I didn't take school seriously at all. I found I could get B's and C's with almost  no effort, so I mostly kind of skated by. I did learn some stuff, but I know I missed out on a lot and had to try to make up for it later. 

I was the poster boy for "does not work up to his potential."

"I was one of the kids your dad would never want you to hang out with..."

This guy did turn out ok, for the most part, and he even has some advice for us, which I will be sharing soon.

But first, I would like to hear your thoughts.

Slackers- what motivates you?  Teach me your language!