Grace Frees Me

Grace frees me to be the child that I am and to ask my Father for help. (John Kleinig)

What is grace?

Grace: unmerited, unearned, undeserved favor of God.

Grace, given through Jesus Christ, to sinners, even me.

Grace frees me.

Grace frees us.

 Grace frees us to be honest.

I have found that I waste entirely too much energy trying to hide my weaknesses, trying to make myself seem better or holier or stronger than I actually am.

Being honest, brutally honest, is terrifying, and I think it is so terrifying that it would be impossible…but, God:

But God, being rich in mercy, 

because of the great love with which he loved us, 

even when we were dead in our trespasses, 

made us alive together with Christ— 

by grace you have been saved— (Ephesians 2:4-5)

That acceptance I want?  That security I want?

That approval from God? I already have it in Christ.

I am fully known and fully loved. I do not have to hide any more. I do not have to downplay my weaknesses and exaggerate my strengths. I do not have to waste energy contorting my body and my spirit to make myself perfect, or to appear perfect.

And neither do you, dear Christian.

“Our justification does not depend on our piety and our spiritual performance but on Christ and His performance. We can therefore face up to our recurring failure to live as His holy people and people of prayer. In fact, our failure Is meant to teach us to ask for what we lack and receive everything from Christ.”(Grace Upon Grace, Kleinig, p. 39)

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When Jesus says, "Let the little children come," may we hear and know that we are included in that invitation! The little people inside us, the scared children that we try to hide under adult costumes, they are welcome! In God's presence, we are free to be small, dirty, whiney, messy. He welcomes us as we are and takes us on his lap and teaches us to simply BE in his presence, small, and so very loved. 

Praise be to God,

who loves and welcomes children,

who loves and welcomes us.

Amen.

Held in Peace

 "And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, 

will guard and keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:7

Doesn’t it seem strange to talk about “peace” in this place where tornadoes destroy and babies die? What is this peace that we have in Christ? Does the peace of God somehow lift us above the fear and grief that is part of the human condition?

Christians suffer, in body and in spirit in this place.

We are not given the peace of the Stoic. We are not told smile when all is well, and smile when the cancer is terminal. We are not told to close our hearts to that which could disturb our peace. We do not experience a mystical inner collection with God that allows us to weather the storms of this life like immovable statues. No, we flip and fly with the winds, much like the rest of the world.

In our experience, we who have peace with Christ often do not feel very peaceful at all, not in this place.

Christians suffer, and yet there is peace in Christ.

Those who are not in Christ are like a kite unfettered; free-wheeling through the sky; vulnerable to the winds and the elements. The crash is inevitable. The flight is terrifying.

We who have Christ are like the kite held by the strong father.

We have peace with God, and yet we live in this fallen world for a little while longer. 

We are still assaulted by the winds.

The rain falls, and some of the turns make our stomachs lurch. 

We may even feel as if we are careening out of control, and we brace for impact. 

But even in the worst of storms, we are tethered to a Rock.

We are held fast by Him who loves us.

As we flip and fly in this life, we know that nothing that assaults us can force us out of his hands.

He will hold us fast.

And one day He will reel us in, to Himself. 

He will bring us to our home of forever peace, in perfect safety.

Until then, even as we flip and fly, His grip is our peace.

photo credit

His grip is our peace.

You may also enjoy: Devotions by Emily and My Weakness/His Strength

My Weakness His Strength: The Heaviness of Motherhood

“I'm the Mom. I can't afford to be weak. 

I have so many responsibilities on my shoulders that if I am weak, 

well then...

everything collapses.”

-- Jenny, commenting on the first post in this series

How many of you relate to this pressure, this terrible pressure?

I know that pressure. I’m the mom, I can’t break down or everything will fall apart.
I have to be strong for their sakes. I have keep going, to hold this all together because if I don’t, then what? Sure, the stress is leaking out of the corner of my eyes and I’m counting the minutes until bedtime.
Sure I was just praying and crying in my room, but now I will wash my face and put on a smile while I make them lunch.

Oh, I know that pressure.
And I can’t tell you to shrug it off, either. I really wish I could. I wish I could tell  all of us that we can just take a break from being mom today, just ignore and neglect them, and it won’t really matter in the long run. I wish I could tell you that they are tough and they don’t really need mom as much as they think they do. I wish I could tell you to lighten up.

the weight of it!

But it’s true. Being a mother is a heavy job.
We can’t just set it down and run away for a little while, until we feel healthy enough to pick it up again.
We have to do it sick, depressed, grieving, doubting. We have to do it with wounds and questions and unmet needs of our own.

Children are just so NEEDY.

What happens in your house when mom is needy, too?

In my house, it goes one of two ways:

1. I hide it, or at least I attempt to hide it.
I pretend I am fine, and get things done in a goat-like manner, barreling on through till bedtime, and letting my words and my attitude injure my family left and right along the way. I hope that I will just sleep it off, and if I do, I just excuse the whole thing as if it were acceptable under the heading “mama just had a bad day.” And I hope that their injuries are minor enough that they will forget them just as quickly.

2. I talk about it.
I can tell my family what is going on in my body or in my heart (if I know!) and I can ask for help. I can apologize for the little injuries, the unkind words spoken out of pain or exhaustion. I can ask for their help and their prayers. Yes, even the little people.

Brutal honesty here: #2 is a new concept to me, and I won’t pretend I chose it over #1 every time.
It sounds so nice on paper, so humble and honorable and easy… until it is time to actually DO it. When I’m the weak one, the one with the need (that my pride still tells me I shouldn't have in the first place,) fessing up to those around me seems impossible. It seems like something that takes entirely more courage than I actually have.

But Jesus says, “Let the little children come,” and you are one of those children. He says, “Come to me, and I will give you rest,” and He knows how to give rest to weary mothers. We may not receive that vacation on the beach that we think we need, but He will give us rest, through His Word, and through other people. (Accepting that second one- that’s the challenge, isn't it? Wait, the first one is not so easy either.)

Grace frees us to ask Him for help, and then to accept that help, even when it comes through other people. He has not given us one single thing to bear that we must bear alone.

Are you weary today?

• Remember first, who you are in Christ. By grace you have been saved, and now, you are fully known and fully loved, even with the heaviness that you carry. Does the heaviness seem to inflame the sin and selfishness in your own heart? Bring that heart to Him, again, and hear Him welcome you.
• Second, remember who THEY are in Christ: those children you are loving and serving. Remember that God Himself has also committed to finish the work that He has begun in them. Yes, you are an important part of it, but the weight of it is on Him. He can use other hands and other means. His faithfulness is their hope, just as it is yours.
• Ask for help. Confess your sins and your need to God, and receive His grace through His Word and through the people around you. Let them see your need, so that they may help you with the gifts that God has given them.

Do you dare to admit it?

What happens in your house when mommy is needy?
Do you need to let someone see your need today?


Coming up next:
What do children learn when they see mom’s weakness?

originally posted on 7/10/12

Kiddo, Will You Pray for Me?

To be fair, mothers, I don’t think this is entirely our fault, this tendency to think we are the Ultimate Need Meeters for our families and children. Our job starts out this way.

As an expectant mother, my tiny child really is 100% dependent on me, and I am 100% required for his or her survival. The weight of it is on me, and there is nobody that can pick that job up for me, even for one minute, to give me a break.

Not for sissies: On teaching violent love to children

"Mommy, it's so sad."

"Yes, it is sad honey. And it hurt really bad, too. But He did it because He loves us."

I think, a few kids ago, this kind of conversation with children might have been impossible for me. I probably would have been the one sitting quietly with a kid on my lap, letting daddy talk about the hard stuff, while I sat there wishing I could shield my babies from all of this.

(Read more:  Is Easter too violent for kids?)

What changed?
Well, Aggie got sick. And I tasted some real suffering. I held her, blue-lipped. And I considered the possibility of a sister, left without a sister. I considered myself, standing at a graveside, knowing in my bones that there is something horribly, violently wrong with this world.

Violence has no place around my babies.
Nor does death.
Nor does sin.
And yet, I sin against them, and they sin against each other, every day.

We live in a broken world.

Yet the broken God-man... He gives us hope.

So we talk about Him. We talk about His great love for us, which we see in His healing and His teaching, but most of all, we see in His death on the cross.


Jesus is not just like us. 
He loves us with a fierce love. 
A violent love.
He loves us to death.

But we preach Jesus crucified, a stumbling block to the Jews and folly to the Gentiles. 1 Cor 1:23

One morning, my three-year-old took the cross off the table.
Then, he laid on the kitchen floor with Jesus, like this:

I tried to put the cross away.

"I want Jesus!" he protested. 

May you, too, find rest 

in the shadow of His cross today.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, 

that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,

 but in order that the world might be saved through him. 

John 3:16-17

Holy Week Recommended Reading:

Death: Friend, Foe, Fair or Finality?

Hunger Games and the Happy Exchange
He's Still Working

(originally published 4/16/12)

Explode.

More from Katie Davis:

“One of the questions that surprised me most was this: “Mommy, if Jesus comes to live inside my heart, will I explode?”

“No!” I proclaimed as the children and I headed to the Nile River for a few of them to be baptized that day.


Then I thought about the question a bit more.

“Yes, if Jesus comes to live in your heart, you will explode.” That is exactly what we should do if Jesus comes to live inside our hearts. We will explode with love, with compassion, with hurt for those who are hurting, and with joy for those who rejoice. We will explode with a desire to be more, to be better, to be close to the One who made us.” 

― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

This book is hard on my awesomeness.

Reading through grace for the Good Girl is not like taking a luxurious bubble bath in grace and having someone tell you how awesome you are.

It’s actually quite the opposite.

Are you finding this book hard? Challenging and frustrating? Are you arguing with it in your head a bit? Are you annoyed with the author and yourself and anxious to get to the part of the book that tells us all how to FIX this?

Here are a few things I have learned about myself so far:

I hide behind my performance. I want to be the need-meeter, not the needy one.

I hide behind my reputation. I want to look good and have people like me.

I hide behind my fake “fine.” I want to be strong in front of everyone at all times.

I hide behind my acts of service. I want to earn acceptance, love, approval. I don’t want a handout.

When I’m not how I wish I would be, I choose faking it over honesty. I choose hiding over allowing you to help me. I choose pride over reality.

This book reaffirms what I learn about myself from Scripture. I am not the “good girl” I would like to be. These things that I do that look so great- I often do them out of fear, guilt, or selfish ambition. Even my best works are tainted with selfishness. The author is tearing off our masks and helping us see the ugliness in our quest to be “good.”

And it’s painful.

I try to justify myself when this happens. I argue that it IS good to be strong, to serve and meet needs and look good and have people like you and work hard. I insist, it IS good for other people! And, of course, it can be. But that’s not why I do it. It’s just a nice side-effect, something that happens naturally to a good girl as she’s working hard to show the world her awesomeness.

And as for my hiding- I can justify that, too. I don’t want to be whiney! I don’t want to offend or cause conflict! I don’t want to get emotional, because honestly, I’m afraid you might get hurt. Or I might.

So I stay hidden, where it seems safe.

But it is not safe.

There is sin in the working and in the hiding, and suddenly I see that I am not safe.

And it gets worse, for the try-hard girl.

 She can handle a bad grade, as long as you give her the study guide so she can do better next time.

She can handle being told she’s wrong, if what comes next is the answer.

The list.

The Game Plan, so she can follow the Right Rules, and again make herself secure in her awesomeness.

But the author does not give us this, nor does Scripture.

Instead, we are invited to trust.

To look to Jesus, who kept the rulebook for us, and to accept His A+ as our own.

We are invited to love and be loved.

We are invited to live without a Game Plan, because by grace we have been saved.

We can let go of our awesomeness, and instead, trust in His.

This new life, the one under grace but not under law, is radically different. It is scary, and sometimes, we long for the false security of rules and Law. 

But there is no security there, dear sisters.

Security is to be found only in Him.

Righteousness in the presence of God must always be the gift of God, for only Christ can fully, perfectly, and most scrupulously satisfy the law of God.  

(Learn more about Law and Gospel- Read the full article here)

Do you cling too tightly to your own awesomeness?

Jesus, Scatter my darkness.

“…think of yourself as both the blackest night 

and the sun in all its brilliance. 

As the sun rises in the sky, it becomes more and more dominant. 

It chases the darkness away. 

The darkness is not gone, and if the sun stops shining, 

the darkness will return as dark as it was before. 

But as long as the sun shines, it has its way, 

and the world is bathed in light.” 

Gospel Motivation by Robert J Koester p. 52

"Apart from me, you can do nothing." John 15:5

Little much-loved one.

No more can I turn the leaves of this dear book that I loved, 

and vainly hope in time to read it all.

No more can I look into the depths of this unfathomable water, wherein, as momentary lights glanced into it, I have had glimpses of buried treasure and other things submerged. 

Suicide: A talk I did not want to have.

I hold back tears all morning.  If only I can make it until naptime.

Your doctor is dead, children.

I can’t say it yet. I need more time.

Kids, please go play outside while I make lunch for you.

He was our pediatrician and we loved him.

He’s dead, and by his own hand.

A child came upstairs playing, smiling with a toy gun in his mouth. I yelled at him, irrationally upset telling him to never, ever, ever do that again.

“It’s just a toy mommy.” He said.

Would that I could protect you from all evil by banning such toys, son.

Come quickly for lunch, kids.

Our doctor is gone and it makes no sense.

Quit goofing around and eat your food already!

I want them to go to bed so I can grieve and wrestle in peace.

Two boys run down the hallway holding hands and they crash into me. I yell. “This is NOT getting ready for naps, is it boys? Now DO what I TOLD YOU!”

Creating chaos is not helping this house get quiet and my heart hurts so I need quiet NOW.  So I think, and so my hurting heart hurts their little hearts.  I found one under covers, not playing and teasing but laying there in tears. “I didn’t like it when you yelled at me mommy.”

Oh honey I am so sorry.  And I was, and we cried quiet tears together. 

“My heart hurts today, but that doesn’t mean I should hurt yours. While you nap I will pray that Jesus helps me be kind again ok? And I’ll wake you up with big hugs and kind words.” He nodded tears still streaming and he hugged me tight around the neck. I let my tears fall, tears of sadness over my sin and over death and evil in all places, in this home and in his home.

I left him to nap and went out to talk to the big kids. “Mommy’s ready to tell you why my heart hurts today.  Our pediatrician has died.”
“Our doctor?”

“But he was so nice!”

“But he was the smartest doctor ever!” said the biggest boy, remembering his help curing his ears last year.  That healing elevated the good doctor to a place of respect even with or even above daddy, and ever since then he believed the smartest people in the world are doctors.

“Yes, he helped you with your ears, and he helped Aggie with her seizures, and he helped all of you kids grow healthy ever since we’ve lived here.  It’s so sad.”

And then, because they will hear it from someone else if I don’t tell them, I tell them how it happened.

And it makes no sense to them.

And I agree. 

It makes no sense.

I do not speculate in front of the children, but I do in my head. But my guesses and theories do not satisfy me. 

It makes no sense.

I had not planned to talk about suicide with my children this month.  But circumstances put it on the list, so talk we must, even when it makes no sense.

We talk a little, and then we sit in silence together with our sad hearts and our questions

We look to Christ together, and we pray.

And we wait.

Come Lord Jesus.

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Have you had to talk about this subject with your children?

For more conversations with 'tweens, click here: 

Growing Up With my 'tween

My Weakness/His Strength: Praying about the Little Things

 I know He cares about the little stuff, but the bigger stuff seems more worth His time. He's got SO much to deal with, and I know He's more than capable of handling ALL of it perfectly... but why waste his time bothering Him with how much I hate my job when I should be so grateful to be healthy, safe, free, and able to work?

I feel guilty asking for things to improve when I know I have things SO much better/easier than the majority of people in the world.


---  from Katie Jo Otte

I feel so small down here!

What a good question: Why pray about the little things?

I’ll give you three reasons:
Who we are

What we are called to do

Who He is

Who we are: Beggars

Apart from the grace of God, our hearts are incapable of love. We come to Him as beggars, with unclean hearts and empty hands, requesting His forgiveness and mercy along with our daily bread.  We cannot change our hearts, and we (often) cannot change our difficult circumstances. We are, in all senses of the word, needy.

What we are called to do: Love

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.”  This is what we are called to do today. Love Him, and love those around us

Is it hard for you to love the people around you? It is hard for me.

Please note: when I say “love,” I do not mean delight in, like, or enjoy.  To love means to desire the other person’s good (bodily and spiritual good), and to plunge your body and heart into sacrifice for their good (as He loves us.)

Let me ask you this: which of the following do you think is hardest?

• Loving the child with seizures as she is being hooked up to an EEG
• Loving the child who just crawled into your bed and you realize his pants are wet.
• Loving the child hanging on my legs while I am trying to make dinner.

That was a trick question.  I think all these things are hard. Both require setting aside self and seeking the other’s good. That is hard in a hospital room, and it is hard in my kitchen.

Who He is: Our Father

Because of Christ's sacrifice for our sins, we are children of God. We are carried by Jesus into the presence of God, where beggars are given all that they need and more.  We are clothed in His righteousness, and we are invited to share in His inheritance.  We receive the gift of faith, and this gift is mixed with love and spills over into love. 

We learn to pray in all things; we pray without ceasing: that He would deliver us from trial and evil; that we may be helped through this sin-filled life; and His life and love may constantly pour into us and flow through us to those around us.

 “Lord, help me be patient and loving with this child as he learns to use the toilet.”

 “Lord, deliver us from seizures and evil.”
“God help me not to cringe when the kids hug me today.”

“Father, help me not be a grump while I take out the trash.”

“God, help my job go smoothly today! I need a break!”

“Father, let them nap a little longer so I can finish this blog post.”

See? He hears our prayers.

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What do you think?  Should we pray about the little things?

Do you ever feel like God might be to busy or be irritated with small requests?


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Click here for more My Weakness/His Strength
Grace frees me to be the child that I am!

My Weakness/His Strength #5: Grace For the Pin Pricks of Today

My heart is not stabbed with the arrow of epilepsy or depression at the moment. My wound is not gushing. And yet, even healthy and seemingly capable, I need. 

Perhaps I can see this more clearly than others because of the sheer quantity of children I have: I simply cannot meet all their needs. Not even the legitimate ones. My patience is not strong enough, my heart is not big enough. I don’t love them enough. I’m not talking about being their god; or filling a hole that I was never meant to fill. I’m just talking about my calling. I’m their mom. And I don’t love them enough. I love them much less than I love myself.

That sounds harsh, but it is true.

This selfish heart of mine is not capable of giving my kids the love they deserve. 

I just don’t have it in me.

How do I know?

I know because the pin pricks remind me. The pricks of everyday life reveal again and again, my sin and my need. (And these six children, how they prick me!)

• They wake me up early and I don’t CARE what they do or what they watch so long as they leave me alone.
• They leaven their shoes in the living room and I throw them down the hall in anger.
• Boy hits boy and the screaming makes me MAD.
• The child wets the bed and I stomp around about it.
• The baby tap-tap-taps on my arm and I yell, “WHAT!? Stop touching ME!” and he cries.
• They talk, talk, talk at me, and I find myself thinking crazy thoughts.

Even healthy and strong, I need. I need grace like I need air.

Our Father did not say to His children, “call me when you’ve had a horrible day and I’ll see what I can do.”

Prayer is not meant to be like dialing 911: Emergencies only, and it had better be serious!

Rather, God says, “Abide in me, for apart from me, you can do nothing.” 

He gives us all good things, freely, from eternal life to daily bread.

When I was flattened, my ears were opened and I heard the song of God’s love for me. He called to me and carried me and upheld my heart when I could not do it alone.

It’s a song I hear, grace I breathe in, even on a normal day like today.

Do the pin pricks of everyday life reveal the selfishness in your heart, too?

Do you use prayer like 911?

How has God shown His love to you this week, in big or little things?

This weekend we are celebrating the anniversary of My Great Flattening

Aggie's brain surgery.

Rejoicing in three years seizure-freedom this Sunday.

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My Weakness/His Strength:
See the whole series here