My heart is not stabbed with the arrow of epilepsy or depression at the moment. My wound is not gushing. And yet, even healthy and seemingly capable, I need.
Perhaps I can see this more clearly than others because of the sheer quantity of children I have: I simply cannot meet all their needs. Not even the legitimate ones. My patience is not strong enough, my heart is not big enough. I don’t love them enough. I’m not talking about being their god; or filling a hole that I was never meant to fill. I’m just talking about my calling. I’m their mom. And I don’t love them enough. I love them much less than I love myself.
That sounds harsh, but it is true.
This selfish heart of mine is not capable of giving my kids the love they deserve.
I just don’t have it in me.
How do I know?
I know because the pin pricks remind me. The pricks of everyday life reveal again and again, my sin and my need. (And these six children, how they prick me!)
- They wake me up early and I don’t CARE what they do or what they watch so long as they leave me alone.
- They leaven their shoes in the living room and I throw them down the hall in anger.
- Boy hits boy and the screaming makes me MAD.
- The child wets the bed and I stomp around about it.
- The baby tap-tap-taps on my arm and I yell, “WHAT!? Stop touching ME!” and he cries.
- They talk, talk, talk at me, and I find myself thinking crazy thoughts.
Even healthy and strong, I need. I need grace like I need air.
Our Father did not say to His children, “call me when you’ve had a horrible day and I’ll see what I can do.”
Prayer is not meant to be like dialing 911: Emergencies only, and it had better be serious!
Rather, God says, “Abide in me, for apart from me, you can do nothing.”
He gives us all good things, freely, from eternal life to daily bread.
When I was flattened, my ears were opened and I heard the song of God’s love for me. He called to me and carried me and upheld my heart when I could not do it alone.
It’s a song I hear, grace I breathe in, even on a normal day like today.
Do you use prayer like 911?
How has God shown His love to you this week, in big or little things?
This weekend we are celebrating the anniversary of My Great Flattening
Aggie's brain surgery.
Rejoicing in three years seizure-freedom this Sunday.
Join the conversation, and tell your friends!
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| My Weakness/His Strength: See the whole series here |