thoughts on boulders

 

Another day of

pushing boulders up a hill,

using back and hands and face and feet

being the momentum behind it all,

fighting complaints, laziness, gravity, the universe itself

holding the boulders up, and the standards

accountability and measuring progress

with shaking arms and sweat and exhausted determination

She’s trying to convince the boulders that UP is UP

when they argue “what’s even the point?” 

thinking that they would be happier if mom would just let them go

that a roll downhill would be fun,

they want peace in the valley

(the mountain is too much work)

and she does too! But pushing boulders up a hill

bearing the weight of each one and the way they should go

(always up,

always up,

miles and miles more to go)

this seems to be her job right now

always up, she pushes

boulders who sometimes hate her for pushing

angry boulders 

who wish they were anywhere else but here

on this mountain,

with her

and the constant pushing.

Will they be happy to know

that her arms are giving out?

Will she be flattened when she lets go?

---

She’s taking a minute, these days,

She’s sitting, for just a minute, and she’s wondering…

Is she living the wrong metaphor?

What if kids don’t actually need to be FORCED through the seasons

What if the growth is what’s natural, not just the gravity,

What if growing up is more like rolling DOWN the hill?

What if gravity and growth are both the work of God

a work that will happen with or without her?

How much of her parenting efforts are like trying to turn a river sideways,

when really all the river needs is a little bit of shoring up on the sides?

Or maybe some rivers do need turning, but she’s not strong enough

If she died tomorrow, time will keep moving and they will keep growing, rolling without her.

They would still grow up.

What if some of her pushing boulders UP the hill is actually fighting the plan of God,

pushing against her own powerlessness,

trying to control what she can’t control,

pushing hard against simply LETTING God’s plan unfold?

What if they are all going to grow up with broken parts,

like she did, 

and what if there’s nothing she can do about that?
And what if God will help them work it out 

and cover it all in grace 

and it will still be OK?

What if He actually has a purpose for them?
What if it includes suffering?
What if she could believe suffering didn’t mean his absence,

didn’t mean all was lost?

What if she didn’t think it was her job to help everyone avoid pain?

What if her work to avoid suffering 

is pushing a boulder up a hill

fighting gravity

AND fighting God?

What if no matter what she does the boulders are going to roll

and her only real choice is to fruitlessly fight it

or get out of the way?

And sometimes even be flattened by it?

What if boulders rolling down the hill

are not always plans out of control, 

or despair, 

or backtracking,

but are sometimes like shedding a weight not meant to be carried,

like joyful resignation,

like

children running down a hill,

learning how legs work, 

how grass feels under their feet

taking the risks of falling, 

wind in their hair,

gaining speed, 

figuring it out

what if the boulders are people, 

learning to run and not grow weary

gravity and God and risk and suffering and joy all together

What if someday she could learn to run with them?

Stand back (when everyone's crying)

It is not my job to make my children happy all the time.

Why is this lesson such a hard one for me?

I forgot this the other day, during our "fun" family outing to the park.  

It was fun, mostly, until the end when two were crying and one was injured and one was sulking because he wanted burgers instead of pizza, and the other two were sitting silently with huge eyes, afraid to say anything because mama was obviously about to lose it.

As we drove home, I lectured them about the way the enemy likes to trick us, by getting us to focus on the one tiny little thing that was bad about our day (our outing) and use that to help us completely forget the hundreds of good things. He tricks us into sulking, into ungratefulness.

And even as I spoke, I felt the "why-do-I-even-bother" pity party come over me. I could have just plopped them in front of a movie and had some time to myself. All this effort, and they're still not happy.

Really, self? Was that your goal today- to make them happy? Did you expect a trip to the park to make them happy, to keep them happy, to solve all of their personal conflicts, and to teach that one boy to stop wanting burgers all the time?

Well, maybe it was, but that sounds ridiculous when you put it that way. Fine then, what should my goal be, smarty-pants in my head?

And again, words from one of my favorite mothers returned to my memory:

"Just love 'em, and give 'em Jesus."

A simple, solid goal, indeed. Don't manage their feelings, and don't expect them to always like you! Love them- do what is best for them, what is good for them- and give them Jesus. Love them to the moon and back, and (what seems even farther right now) to the park and back, through the mud and back.

Give them an afternoon in the sunshine, feed their bodies, and apply the band-aids. Look at the flowers with them, and give thanks to God with them for all of it. Cheer for the big ones on the fast bikes, and lag behind to push the slower one, even if he's screaming in frustration because his little legs won't cooperate. Pray for him, and with him. Call upon the Lord for patience for the both of you.

Their field of vision is narrow. This is why they can have "the best day ever" playing in mud, and then, suddenly, the "worst day ever" being forced into a car seat. You cannot steady the ups and downs of childhood. Stand back- you with your adult perspective- stand back and smile when they are happy, feed them when they are hungry, comfort them when they are hurt. Learn to seek their good, not their good feelings, nor your own.

God's love for us is multi-colored, too. In accordance with our needs, He gives loving comfort, loving discipline, loving forgiveness. Lean on Him to give you the stillness to snuggle, or the strength to wrestle, as the moment requires. Receive both the sunny day and the pizza-in-the-dirt as blessings from His hand, for your good.

Remember, it's not God's job to make you happy all the time.

Perspective- 

If we had just stayed home in front of the tv, I would have missed...

This little guy's brave balancing act.

And even better, watching him with my older duaghter while we joked, 
"what could go wrong? I can't possibly think of one thing..."

I would have missed this snake...

It was pretty little, but still... a snake. Ew.

The littlest one with the biggest determination:



His bike may be slow, but he will NOT give up.  Don't you dare even suggest a stroller. He is NOT a baby.

I would have missed the way my noticer notices every little wonderful thing, and the way my "future police officer" skips rocks like a boss, and the way the thoughtful one takes time to himself by a tree to think thoughts while the others play in the mud.

So here's to the summer,
the very short and very long summer,

where I will not be happy all the time, and neither will my children. 

But we will have each other, and sunshine, and Jesus.

Father, help me to stand back, to look up, and to receive each moment as a gift from your hand.
Amen

The skeptical child: Why won't he just take my word for it?

My younger son questions and second guesses us way more than our older son did. Really, he does this to everyone. He wants to check things out on his own, make sure that people won't let him down, etc. It took me a long time to figure out what about his questioning and micro-managing bothered me so much. It dawned on me yesterday with glaring clarity. He questions his parents for the same way we question God (1st commandment stuff). He worries that we haven't thought of everything. He wonders whether we will be sufficient. When I realized so suddenly why I get so irritated with his questioning and reminding and second-guessing, I simultaneously had two thoughts. First, I felt utterly convicted of doing the exact same thing to my Heavenly Father. Second, I wondered "well, what about Christ's exhortation to have faith like a little child?" Maybe 8 yrs old (really, not even that because my son has done this since he could talk, really) is beyond the pale of this "child-like" phase.

So, I was wondering if you had ever written about this conundrum.
-- Haleigh Morgan

The questioning and second-guessing… is this really sin (when it comes to God?)  I think the answer is both yes and no.

I think some children are simply less trusting than others. I have a daughter with an incredibly open, trusting heart. If I tell her I love her, she believes it. If I tell her some person she’s never met loves her, she’d embrace them like a sister, immediately. Then, there’s my son: he wants evidence to back up every claim. He does not simply take my word for it, does not ever trust what I say simply because I am his mother.

Is this sin, or a character flaw, or neither? I think it depends on the spirit behind the questioning.

(See the stories of Zechariah and Mary in the beginning of Luke. Two questions- two very different reactions from the angel.)

Is it a request for evidence?

Healthy skepticism is a good thing.  With this, we are not carried away by every wind of doctrine. We test, question, compare, investigate.  And, we serve a God who provides evidence. We must always remember this! We are not called to have blind faith, to trust our feelings, or to take someone else’s words.  God gives us evidence of His goodness, over and over and over again, throughout Scripture, and most importantly in Jesus on the cross, and risen from the dead. 

Are the questions an excuse for disobedience?
As in, “You must answer every one of my objections to my satisfaction or I refuse to obey (or trust, or move from this spot.)” This is the kind of questioning we also do with God, as it seems to provide us with an excuse for continued sin. We do not understand His ways in a certain situation, therefore He cannot be trusted, therefore we can do whatever we want.  This is sin, of course.  God’s ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all of them.  Yet, because of what He has given us—evidence of His love in Jesus—we can trust, even with some questions unanswered.

So with my son, I have tried to bend myself to his personality somewhat, giving more details and explanations to him than I would with the other children, when it is possible and/or convenient. However, he also is expected to submit, even with questions unanswered, in situations when he does not fully understand “why.” He does not have the right to demand answers, and withhold respect or obedience until he gets them, but he can request them.

And I will say, he tends to give his daddy more trust on most things- probably because his father has proven himself to this guy time and again- proven that HE does not just take things on authority but researches them, figures them out for himself!  These two people are simply built this way: analytical, skeptical.  And this very easily can appear to be arrogance and pride (sometimes it actually is, to be sure.) But I am not convinced that this is always the case.

Life is more complicated, and child-like faith more difficult, for the analytical person, in my opinion.  They will not stop questioning. I don’t think they can. Yet God made them this way, and these become His historians and systematicians and apologists! And God bends Himself to them, by providing evidence and proving Himself. . . and forgiving their arrogance.

It really *is* such a nuanced situation. It often calls for great discernment and almost a seeing into the heart. That is such a difficult task. It leaves me to wonder how often I have assumed he was demonstrating a lack of trust and was really just expressing his God-given desire for precision and evidence. See, this right here, is why I am so glad that the Cross and absolution is at the center of everything. If I misjudge his intentions, it is not unforgivable, just as it is not unforgivable if he truly is being sinfully obstinate.

I think I like the idea that perhaps he is just one to want evidence. I think that if that is so, it will serve him well in the future, especially if he can learn to rein it in when the situation dictates and tolerate ambiguity when it is required.

Indeed!
God, grant us wisdom and grace with our skeptical children! Wrap us both in your forgiving love, and stoop down to meet our needs of heart, soul, and mind.  In Jesus, Amen.

What do you think?

Have you been challenged by a skeptical child?

What advice would you share with other mothers?

photo credit photobucket

Law & Gospel in the Home

A warm welcome to today's guest blogger: Haleigh Morgan! 
I encourage all who are facing the difficult task of teaching children "right from wrong" well also showering them with the grace of God to read the article below.

-- Emily

I was recently asked by an online friend to chime in on the question of Law and Gospel within the context of the home. That is, how might we parents approach the task of parenting, knowing when we are to give our children Law and when we are to give them Gospel? 

Let me state upfront that I consider myself supremely unqualified to instruct others on just about anything, most especially on the monumental calling of being a parent. I can only speak from my own experience and what I know to be true from scripture and from our Confessions. As a sister in Christ, I can offer mutual conversation and consolation of the gospel. Beyond that, the reader may be cautioned to have loads of salt ready to go (with which to take anything written below.) ;)

In the question of law and gospel and how to parent in these terms are suggested a few additional ideas. First, we constantly run the risk of erring too much on the side of one or the other. If we are too focused on law, we become despotic legalists or “pietists,” thinking that if our Milly or Norbert could be taught to behave just so and say and do all the right things, then all will be right. The other side of this coin is antinomianism. When we err on the side of little or even no law, we run the risk of raising hedonistic, selfish tyrants whom not even we like being around. No loving parent knowingly and deliberately takes either of these two paths. Thus our conundrum. How do we, parents who are presumably very concerned that we fulfill our duties to God, to our children, to society, go about knowing which is called for in any given situation? If we choose wrongly at some time, will we forever muck things up, potentially scarring our child for life? These are questions that lurk in the back of our minds, keep us up at night, and make us second guess ourselves. Before we go any further, let me say, “Peace. God chose to entrust these children to you for a reason. He has equipped you to raise them, though you will most certainly not do so perfectly. Your own Father, who never fails, is working to love your children through you. He is their Father, too.” 

Ok. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I would like to begin any discussion of parenting within the context of Christian vocation. We are told in the Small Catechism that we are to examine ourselves in light of the Ten Commandments and of other scripture that outlines the duties attendant to the various estates established by God. These are comprehended in the 2^nd table. These commandments establish how God would have us to fear and love Him in how we interact with our neighbors. (Luther’s explanation of each commandment after the 1^st begins, “We are to fear and love God that we may…”) We are also told that love is the fulfillment of the Law. Thus, these commandments also outline how we love our neighbors and how God loves them through us.

The fourth commandment, in particular, relates to all rightful worldly authority, beginning with parents and radiating out from there to the civil realm and the Church. In the Large Catechism, we are taught that God holds all authority. He entrusts portions of that authority to the various estates so that people called to administer them may carry out their duties legitimately. The Church has the Office of the Keys – authority to bind or loose sins. Magistrates have authority to make civil laws and compel citizens to obey. But, “all (earthly) authority flows and is born from the authority of parents” (LC, 4). Civil fathers, “masters” (employers), and even spiritual fathers derive their authority and honor from the office given to parents.

What does all this talk of the 4^th commandment, which speaks most directly to children of their duty toward their parents, have to do with a parent’s duty to his/her children? No vocation exists in a vacuum. Each is a diad. Governments are not governments without the governed. Citizens are not citizens in the absence of a country. A husband is not a husband without a wife; nor is a wife a wife without a husband. A pastor has hearers, and hearers have a pastor. So it is with children. All children, by nature, are born of a father and mother. There is no child ever anywhere (except Jesus) who didn’t have both an earthly mother and father. And, every mother and every father is a parent by virtue of the fact that they have received a child. So, when the 4^th commandment addresses children and their duties, it also suggests something to parents. The command to honor our father and our mother enjoins all people to respect those placed over us in authority even as it enjoins those exercising authority to do so for the benefit and betterment of those placed underneath them.

So, what are the duties that a parent owes to her children? When is it time to lay down the law and when is it time to give them grace? Parents are first and foremost commanded to bring children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. That is, we are aware that any authority we have as parents is not really ours but is God’s authority, and our very first responsibility as parents is to bring them to God. It is not only our rules in our home that we must train them to obey. “He does not assign this honor to [us], that is power and authority to govern, so [we] can have [ourselves] worshipped.” We are to provide physically for our children, but most importantly we are to “train them to honor and praise God.” This is not something that we may do or might do but must do. It is “not left to [our] pleasure and arbitrary will” but is “God’s strict command and order, to whom [we] must give account for it” (LC, 4). We also know that none of us can even begin to keep this 1^st command (to have no other God, to fear, love, and trust in Him above all things) without first being regenerated and reborn of God. How does such rebirth happen for us, for our children, or for anyone? We are saved by grace through faith. How does faith come? Faith comes by hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ. Where and how do we receive this Word of Christ? We receive it through the proclaimed Word and through the Word combined with water and bread and wine. We must make sure that our children receive this, too. If we do nothing else as parents, this we must do. Bring them to the font. Bring them to the Word.

Give them Jesus.

Give them Jesus!

We must also train them to honor and respect us as God’s representatives to them. Since children are commanded to “honor their father and mother” we are simply not at liberty to allow them to do otherwise. God has not given us the authority to set aside this commandment any more than He has given us the authority to set aside the 1^st, 5^th or 6^th or any of the others. Our will and word are entirely subordinate to God’s. “For if God’s Word and will are in force and being accomplished, nothing shall be valued higher than the will and word of parents, as long as that, too, is subordinated to obedience toward God and is not opposed to the preceding commandments” (LC, 4). So far the hierarchy is established as: 1.) God, 2.) Parents.

Third, we must train them also to function in civil society. That is, we must equip them to be useful, to be able to provide for their own children someday, and to have the skills and manners that contribute to a peaceful and orderly community. To accomplish this duty, we typically have to establish rules and routines for the household – expectations for work/chores, etiquette, lessons, study, practice, etc. – and both model and enforce these expectations. The family is a microcosm of the world. Children learn how to be a part of the greater community by first learning how to live in the community of the family.

So far this sounds very law heavy. Parents must DO. Children must DO. But, where is the grace? I am asking this question as loudly as you surely are. Here, I try to remember that every vocation is at its heart a picture of how God relates to us. Yet, it is more than just an illustration. It is real and material. God works among us through the estates (the vocations) He has established.

God’s work in the world is not simply an intangible, subjective, spiritual thing. It is very material. Remember, God is a God of means. He uses material means to accomplish His work among us so that we have objective assurance and can receive His work substantially, really, and truly – both physically and spiritually – because we are not purely spiritual creatures. We are material creatures with a rational soul. So, He works among us in a material way. God is hidden in vocation just as surely as He is hidden in the Means of Grace. This is not to say that parenthood, marriage, and citizenship are Sacraments in the strict sense. But we may safely say that they are “sacramental” and mysterious. Paul tells us that marriage is a mystery and that in speaking of marriage he is really speaking of Christ and the Church. Christ is hidden in marriage (Eph. 5). God the Father is hidden in the vocation of parenting. He provides for His children and brings them to Himself through parents. Parents bring children to the font and the rail and the assembly; they feed, and clothe them, and they train them up in the way that they should go. The earthly father doesn’t just symbolize something about God. But, in actuality, God is the real father. Christ is the real husband. The Church is the real wife and mother. Our earthly vocations are dim images of the real thing going on with God (paraphrased from Gene Veith, Interview on Issues Etc.4/16/12 #1and #2).

God doesn’t only provide 1^st article gifts through us parents. He also has enabled us to participate in the giving of forgiveness and absolution (2^nd and 3^rd article gifts) – grace at its sweetest. It goes without saying that we participate in this not as primary actors. Faith, forgiveness of sins, these do not originate from us nor take their efficacy from us. But, God can and does use parents as agents of grace.

How does this grace look in the family? First, we must try to remember that if our child is already heartbroken and repentant over something, it does him no additional good to be given law. We don’t need to stand over him and remind him of the rule he has broken or the disappointment he has caused. He is already contrite. The Law has done its work. However, if he is being head-strong and recalcitrant, then law is what he gets – first God’s, then ours. 

Is this the face of contrition?

Second, we must try to distinguish between matters of immaturity and matters of genuine disobedience. Sometimes this can be pretty tricky. How do we know whether our child is willfully disobeying a command he could obey or if he is simply not understanding or is not yet mature enough to obey in that particular command? If we are certain that the child knows what is expected and has demonstrated that he can obey what he has been given to do, then willfully failing to do so is a matter of obedience. If he does not understand, does not have the skill or maturity to obey, then it would be cruel to respond with more law. Mercy is called for. 

Third, we also try to be very honest with ourselves about whether we have done our job of teaching and leading prior to resorting to punishment. Discipline sometimes requires punishment, but punishment is not always discipline. If punishment does not teach, it is not discipline. It is just revenge. It is easy to forget that something that may be terribly obvious to us and a matter of common sense may not be to a new, little person. Children are our disciples in that we lead and teach them what they need to know as they grow up. We must first give them the gift of loving instruction and nurture. This is discipline. If the child obstinately refuses the instruction, then it may be time to use punishment to redirect their heart and their actions back to the better course.

But, most importantly, we practice absolution. Parents and children alike must know that even when we royally muck things up, confession and contrition always receive forgiveness, no matter what. And the matter is done. Even if we know for a fact that tomorrow we will likely go through the whole thing again. We know that we can speak the comfort of the gospel to our brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the mutual consolation that Luther talks about. Our children are our smallest brothers and sisters in Christ. They need to receive our forgiveness freely, and they need us to remind them of the forgiveness that is theirs in Christ.

Ultimately, when in doubt, we must try to remember Paul’s instruction. “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.  For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, ‘The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.’” (Romans 15:1-3, ESV) Diligently teach; graciously give. Bear with our children’s weakness and build them up. Let all that you do be done in love. (1 Cor. 16:14)

For further reading, if you are interested, Rolf Preus has written a fabulous post featured on Steadfast Lutherans titled “Steadfast Dads — Discipline”.

Father, use our hands to bless your children, our children.  Amen.

.

Rhino Report: Whining is like Yelling

 I’ve tied whining to this orange rhino idea.

My first reason is a self-centered one: Whining drives me crazy. It is one of my triggers, in fact.  And if I’m going to work on my temper-losing, and controlling the volume of my voice, then surely the children can work on controlling the pitch of theirs.

The more I think about this, the more it makes sense.

Why do I yell?

(Obviously there are good reasons to yell. When the kids are in danger or they just cannot hear you because they are all taking at once. This is practical yelling, and I will do this to my dying day without apology.)

I yell (the bad kind of yelling) because my patience is gone, because whatever I am doing is just not working. I yell to MAKE STUFF HAPPEN.  I yell to control or to punish.

And why do they whine?

They whine for the very same reasons.

Whining makes stuff happen. Whining controls people. Whining is an effective punishment.

Yelling and whining are often just different expressions of the same desire to have it my way.

So, the orange rhinos that decorate our house carry both yelling and whining on their strong backs. I figure they can handle both of these things if they can handle all those birds.

This is really nothing new.

Love God, and love your neighbor- this is what we are “working on” in a sense. But, hanging this idea to the “orange rhino” helps us keep it in the front of our minds all day long.

We remember our goals, we remember the silly alternatives,  and we remember to pray for help.

When we are beginning to slip, we say “orange rhino” and we remember.

God help us love more, and yell less. 

(and whine less, too.)