Things I should not have to say, and yet, I have said them

There's a moment when whatever-it-is comes out of my mouth, and I think, "Has my life really come to this?"

I know that being a mother means being a teacher, and I do love that part of my vocation.  I love their curiosity, (usually) and they way they are so eager to sit by me, to read with me, for hours if I am willing.

But some things, I did not think I would have to teach them:

Just look at the dead frog. DON'T try to eat him.

Don’t hack in the silverware drawer!

No, you can’t wear your pirate patch to Sunday school!

Paper airplanes are not for eating!

If you're thirsty, tell me! Don't suck a marker dry!

Honey, you can’t just eat handfuls of flour!

It is ok to pretend to be a dog, but PLEASE don’t really lick each other!

Don’t swing from the fridge door!

NO!!!  Not on your brother, in the potty!

Tell me, what have you said that you should not have to say?



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The age of wonder

what next, brother?

Ah, age two, and age three.  The age of questions:

Exciting questions.  Messy questions.  Stupid questions.

I wonder what would happen if I dumped this?
I wonder what would happen if I threw that?

I wonder what would happen if I squeezed a tomato?

I wonder what would happen if I dumped THAT?

(Mom sighs.)

 I wonder what would happen if I hit the baby over the head with a pot?

I wonder what would happen if I colored on the counter? The table? A library book? 

I wonder what would happen if I turned off the TV during his favorite show?

I wonder what would happen if I hit my brother in the head with a train?
I wonder what would happen if I lassoed the baby?

(Ruckus ensues! Siblings react!  Mom gives a long lecture... sometimes worse.)

I wonder what would happen if I refused to come to dinner?

I wonder what would happen if I refused to eat?

I wonder what would happen if I refused to swallow?

I wonder what would happen if I refused to sit?

I wonder what would happen if I held a grape in my mouth for an hour?

(Mom decides whether to pick the battle.  If she picks it, I lose.)

I wonder what would happen if I pinched mama?

I wonder what would happen if I rode on the baby's back?

I wonder what would happen if I pretend I'm deaf?

(Mom wonders if I am aggressive, curious, or just unteachable.)

I wonder what would happen if I threw my plate?

I wonder what would happen if I throw my eggs at my fancy sister?

I wonder what would happen if I chew my eggs and then spit them on the floor?

(Mom will withhold food.)

I wonder what would happen if I tried to bite through the pack of hotdogs?

I wonder what will happen if I whine?

I wonder what will happen if we wrestle in a grocery cart?

I wonder what will happen if I grab something off the shelf?

I wonder what will happen if I grab a passer-by?

(Mom sighs, moves faster. Threatens our visit to "Chicken Nuggets.")

I wonder why mom goes to bed at 8?

paranoia

"Our own suspicious minds all too easily succumb to delusions of persecution, the sense that those around us are out to get us." Grace Upon Grace by John Kleinig p.221

I have come to understand that yes, sometimes my perception is a bit off.  My husband really doesn't leave his bowl in the living room because he has no respect for me or anything I do around here.  And he may actually forget to take out the trash, not deliberately refuse to take out the trash so that my day will be filled with a stinky reminder that he does not care at all about how this house looks.   Just maybe, he does not live to utterly ruin my days.

Alright, so I can give him the benefit of the doubt.  When I look for it, I find abundant evidence that he does love me and our family, that he cares about who I am and what I do for us all, and that he does not wake up in the morning with the sole intention of making my life harder.

But what of the kids?

Do the kids intentionally make my life harder just for the fun of it?  Or am I just falling prey to the paranoia that sees every dirty dish as an insult?

So I submit to you, the jury, the evidence.  You must act as the objective voice of reason for me.  Are these kids out to get me or not?

For the purposes of this investigation, I am willing to set aside those things that may be understood as simply "children being children."  Like the constant toys on the floor  (booby traps- conveniently injuring adults and impeding their ability to run quickly after children), and the "innocent" messes (strategic diversions made to allow children to run free while mom cleans).

Exhibit A

The ever-buckled belts

 Belts already buckled are not ready for hungry babies.  Nor are they easy to unclasp with one hand while the other wields said fussy baby.  And yet, buckled my buckles are, at all times and in all places.

The Stealth Buckler of Belts, caught in the act.

Exhibit B

The exploded travel pillow

Let the jury note that this alleged accident occurred conveniently when the suspect was getting in bed for his nap.  Sources say he was hostile to the enforcer of the nap just moments before the alleged accident.

The nap-enforcer requests the jury to note the pain and suffering caused by the horrendous task of cleaning up all of those little styrofoam balls.  She is considering suing for damages to her back. 

Exhibit C

Misplaced diaper

Squishy pieces of diaper discovered in laundry load #4 of the day.

Nobody claims responsibility.

Exhibit D

Hidden Coffee

What kind of monster hides the essence of a mother's energy and stamina?

I request that the jury take these items into consideration.
More evidence forthcoming. 

Unless this plan, like so many others, is sabotaged.

Something they don't teach you in mom school

 Drink 8 glasses a day, and more when you are nursing, but beware, mommy, this too can be dangerous!

When life gets busy and your arms fly around to the kitchen tending to everyone's needs and you suddenly remember to tend to your own needs....

 

Look before you drink!

Shrinky- dink water.  Flavorless, but a little gritty.