fellowship near the edge.

Full disclosure: I dragged myself there. Before I got in the car I was slumped in a chair, curled in a ball, staring at the wall (or my phone to make the grief gaze a little less obvious to those around me). Everything is so heavy these days; my body itself is heavy, my arms sympathizing with my heavy hard and not wanting to lift to do the things.

But then we gathered

circled up by the light of the Christmas tree

and with the help of ND Wilson

we peered over the edge together

we saw each other, ourselves, and all of God’s spoken people

we saw faces, souls, lives

born to trouble as the sparks fly upward

running along wet concrete

molding souls shaping narratives

grabbing handfuls of wind and pinning them down in scrapbooks

we didn’t invent the narrative

God has been writing this story from the beginning

but we are swept up in it

we are on stage

we are making the sandcastles and facing the dragons

today

with or without His help

we move to the next level of life

even if we haven’t mastered the one we are on

What kind of characters will we be? 

the yearning we feel

is perhaps having too much to love

too much to do

with the sense that we do not have enough time for it all.

we don’t. 

we are trying to catch oiled diamonds as they rain down. 

(Try anyways.)

but if we are here to spend and be spent,

tiredness at the end of the day

is the goal!

if we pour out, we are going to grow weary and break

but manna is new every morning

we will get more (energy, life, days, even flesh.)

we can live generously because we have a generous God

in our soft-lighted room, 

side by side we peered over the edge,

hearing the sound of the dirt thrown on the coffin

and pondering the finish line

and the kindness of an ending

(it is not death to die)

Shall we die for ourselves or die for others?

The choice is now.

A closing prayer to the Author of our stories,

that He would give us our lines

and the courage to scatter the seeds

until our hands are truly empty

and we enter His rest.

May our living be grace to those behind us.

-----

To the author that inspired the discussion, a group of weary mamas in Kentucky who have been renewed by your words in 2020, enter our own stories today with our eyes up and hands ready to blister.  We echo your words right back to you:

"We will live and we will die in Christ, thankful that he placed us downstream in the river of your human grace."

Death by Living, ND Wilson, highly recommended!

An invitation to sit down

“I know it goes against all the words the world says are admirable:

self-reliant, capable, strong, and resilient.

 But I am in desperate need of a source outside of myself 
all the time. 

And so are you.”

Grace for the Good Girl, p 14 

I know this, but I need to hear it again, and again and again.

I need God's help. I need his help not just to deal with the big things that flatten me, but the little things, too. I need His help with my attitude, with my heart as it cleans this house and breaks up fights and tries not to eat yet another cookie. I need more than coffee to give me patience. I need God's grace, His forgiveness, and His help every single day.

And He is here, right in the middle of the mess of things, to walk with me and love me through this normal day.  We do not serve a God who stands far off.  We do not serve a God who waits for us to get our acts together before He helps. We are, in fact, served by God, right in the midst of our brokenness and need.

What does it mean to "sit down on the inside?"  What does that even look like?

It doesn't look like following that one magic formula that will finally make life "work." It doesn't look like being in control of schedules and children and emotions at all times. It doesn't look like faking happy or manufacturing holy feelings in tough circumstances. It doesn't look like completing the daily checklist and receiving a gold star.

It doesn't look like the little boy FLIPPING OUT because his brother got a cupcake for dessert and he hasn't gotten his yet and MOM MIGHT RUN OUT OF CUPCAKES, and he just might really shrivel up and die! Dear child, has mommy ever once let you leave the table hungry? I know what you need, what is good for you. I'm working on it. 

Sit down. Wait.

It looks like something we can't quantify or copy, but we can see glimpses, and we should savor them when we see them.  It looks like the preemie resting on her daddy's chest, receiving love from her parents, and IV pokes, too, and meanwhile her heart keeps beating even though she doesn't tell it to beat, and she sleeps. It looks like going to work and receiving whatever mess God sends you to handle that day, and when it gets tough, leaning on Him for strength instead of trying to manufacture it.  It looks like  pastor, pouring his gifts into his sermon, praying for the congregations he loves, and then trusting God alone with the growth.

Sitting down on the inside means sitting down in the pew and opening ears and heart to the Word God sends for that day. It means sitting down in prayer before the huge task. It means sitting down at the end of the day, with the jobs left undone, the messes still tangled, and the questions unanswered, and laying it all at His feet, and receiving back from Him the gift of sleep.

Today, for me, it looks like being interrupted ten times while writing this post. And dinner is late, and the kids spent too much time in front of screens, but God sent us time with friends, and a fire in the fireplace, too.

Sitting down, right here, means not worrying about what grade I got for this day, because nobody is keeping score.  The mix of ugly and beautiful in me and around me, it is all covered, all covered by the grace of God in Christ.

The main thing is settled. The main need of our souls has been met. The main problem has been solved.  The sin that had separated us from God has been atoned for by Jesus.

Will He not also give us all things?
We need only to trust, and wait.
He will not let us leave His table hungry.
He knows what we need.

Sit down.
Rest.
Wait.
Our God knows what He is doing.

Our soul waits for the Lord;

    he is our help and our shield.

21 

For our heart is glad in him,

    because we trust in his holy name.

22 

Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,

    even as we hope in you.

(Psalm 33:20-22)

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What does it look like to "sit down" where you are, today?

updated from original post 9/3/12

This book is hard on my awesomeness.

Reading through grace for the Good Girl is not like taking a luxurious bubble bath in grace and having someone tell you how awesome you are.

It’s actually quite the opposite.

Are you finding this book hard? Challenging and frustrating? Are you arguing with it in your head a bit? Are you annoyed with the author and yourself and anxious to get to the part of the book that tells us all how to FIX this?

Here are a few things I have learned about myself so far:

I hide behind my performance. I want to be the need-meeter, not the needy one.

I hide behind my reputation. I want to look good and have people like me.

I hide behind my fake “fine.” I want to be strong in front of everyone at all times.

I hide behind my acts of service. I want to earn acceptance, love, approval. I don’t want a handout.

When I’m not how I wish I would be, I choose faking it over honesty. I choose hiding over allowing you to help me. I choose pride over reality.

This book reaffirms what I learn about myself from Scripture. I am not the “good girl” I would like to be. These things that I do that look so great- I often do them out of fear, guilt, or selfish ambition. Even my best works are tainted with selfishness. The author is tearing off our masks and helping us see the ugliness in our quest to be “good.”

And it’s painful.

I try to justify myself when this happens. I argue that it IS good to be strong, to serve and meet needs and look good and have people like you and work hard. I insist, it IS good for other people! And, of course, it can be. But that’s not why I do it. It’s just a nice side-effect, something that happens naturally to a good girl as she’s working hard to show the world her awesomeness.

And as for my hiding- I can justify that, too. I don’t want to be whiney! I don’t want to offend or cause conflict! I don’t want to get emotional, because honestly, I’m afraid you might get hurt. Or I might.

So I stay hidden, where it seems safe.

But it is not safe.

There is sin in the working and in the hiding, and suddenly I see that I am not safe.

And it gets worse, for the try-hard girl.

 She can handle a bad grade, as long as you give her the study guide so she can do better next time.

She can handle being told she’s wrong, if what comes next is the answer.

The list.

The Game Plan, so she can follow the Right Rules, and again make herself secure in her awesomeness.

But the author does not give us this, nor does Scripture.

Instead, we are invited to trust.

To look to Jesus, who kept the rulebook for us, and to accept His A+ as our own.

We are invited to love and be loved.

We are invited to live without a Game Plan, because by grace we have been saved.

We can let go of our awesomeness, and instead, trust in His.

This new life, the one under grace but not under law, is radically different. It is scary, and sometimes, we long for the false security of rules and Law. 

But there is no security there, dear sisters.

Security is to be found only in Him.

Righteousness in the presence of God must always be the gift of God, for only Christ can fully, perfectly, and most scrupulously satisfy the law of God.  

(Learn more about Law and Gospel- Read the full article here)

Do you cling too tightly to your own awesomeness?

Behind the mask: an angry, needy girl who is NOT fine.

“I taught people around me that I had no needs 

and then I was secretly angry with them for believing me.” 

Grace for the Good Girl, p. 13

This seems to be a problem for “good girls.”

We work hard, we meet needs, we do the job in front of us, and we do it well.

We do it with eager hands and a smile, or we try to, and when we don’t feel like smiling we smile anyway. We get done whatever needs to be done. We are the responsible ones, the strong ones, the ones people come to with their problems. We like this reputation. We love living up to this expectation. We love encouraging, helping, and coming through in a pinch.

We love making peace, putting people at ease, and lifting burdens.

We hate the opposite.

We don’t want to be involved in conflict.

We definitely don’t want to be the ones causing it.

We don’t want people to be uncomfortable or angry or upset about anything. We make peace at all costs.

We especially don’t want people to feel angry or upset at us, so we morph like amoebas to avoid others’ unhappiness.

We don’t like seeing people with burdens that we can’t lift. We pile them on our shoulders.

We don’t like to add to anyone’s burdens. We pretend we have none of our own.

Ever.

We’re fine.

And we’d really like to be fine. We are trying very hard to be fine. We don’t mean to be dishonest… we just really, really don’t want to be anything other than fine. And we hope if we pretend to be fine for just a little longer, we really will be fine.

When we are alone in the dark, we might whisper a prayer to God for help, but if He tries to provide help by sending us an actual person for us to lean on, forget it.

Too uncomfortable.

Too hard.

We don’t want to be a burden.

So we hide. We wear masks. We ache.

We get angry when people don’t realize it, when they believe the masks we wear.

But we don’t know how to take the masks off.

As the author describes,

“Our desire to be the good girl, the good Christian, 

the good wife, and the good mom becomes the number one priority, 

and Jesus isn’t even in the room.” P. 32

Jesus isn't even in the room.

 What does that even mean?

Photo by Shalinee Kohli Murishwar:

 Follow Shalinee on instagram

If He were “in the room,” wouldn’t He just be standing shoulder to shoulder with that “good girl” in my head, that perfect version of myself that I never am? Wouldn’t He be standing there with His arms crossed, glaring at me like she does, telling me to do better, to try harder?

Wouldn’t He take her side?

No, He wouldn't. And this makes all the difference.

Jesus has compassion on us.

He opens his hands to tired, tangled “good” girls, and invites us to just come. Rest. Receive.

He sees through our masks right into all the ugliness, and still He says, come.

He takes our failures, our Fs, and our sins and buried them deep in His wounds.

He gives us His own robe of righteousness to wear, and He gives us His A +.

Our stubborn insistence to do it all on our own, in our way, on our strength, begins to be washed away in the flood of His love.

We learn to receive love from Him and from others, and we receive so much more than we give.

It comes down in a shower of grace, and we are refreshed.

Jesus Christ came to save sinners, to pour out his mercy on all people.

He came for you, and He continues to come for you, that you may have life and have it abundantly.

Father,

Forgive us for chasing expectations and guarding our reputations, 

for people pleasing and making ourselves slaves to guilt, 

and for doing even "good" things out of fear, not love.

Our works are filthy rags.

Refresh us with your mercy, and teach us to rest in Your goodness.

Help us to see the ways you care for us, 

in Your Word, 

and through the people you send into our lives.

We dare pray these things because of Jesus alone.

Amen.

 -----------------

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Do you have trouble admitting when you're not "fine?"

Share your thoughts in the comments!

Do you know a friend who is exhausted by being fine all the time? 

Send some encouragement today.

Good girls and fear (Grace Book Club Chapter 1)

So, is this book for "good girls" who want to learn to be an even better good girl?

Not at all.
It's for women like these.
Women like me.

Do you identify with any of these feelings?

Will you read a book with me?

There are certain books I like to read with a pen in my hand.
(Not novels. I read those for fun, like I watch TV.)

I'm talking about the books that try to change my life: the books I will spend hours with, the ones that inspire me to journal, to read God's Word, to hold tight to truths and ideas within them and incorporate them into my everyday life.

I do this with a pen in my hand, and later, a keyboard.
If I'm really blessed, I can find a whole group of people to read along with me, speaking their ideas and bouncing them off mine and the author's and each other- sharpening and inspiring and wrestling out truth so it can be planted in our lives and grow.

Would you like join me?
Let's read a book together!

(Buy it on Amazon)

From the Back Cover

You're strong. You're responsible. You're good. But . . .. . . as day fades to dusk, you begin to feel the familiar fog of anxiety, the weight and pressure of holding it together and of longing left unmet. Good girls sometimes feel that the Christian life means doing hard work with a sweet disposition. We tend to focus only on the things we can handle, our disciplined lives, and our unshakable good moods.

But what would happen if we let grace pour out boundless acceptance into our worn-out hearts and undo us? If we dared to talk about the ways we hide, our longing to be known, and the fear in the knowing?

In Grace for the Good Girl, Emily Freeman invites you to release your tight hold on that familiar, try-hard life and lean your weight heavy into the love of Jesus. With an open hand, a whimsical style, and a heart bent brave toward adventure, Emily encourages you to move from your own impossible expectations toward the God who has graciously, miraculously, and lovingly found you.

In other words,
Be weak and LOVED!

If you'd like to read along with me, you can click here for the reading schedule. I won't be checking up on you or pestering you, but I will be blogging each week about something from the book. I would also love to hear from you as you read, if you are so inclined. (What do you love? What do you disagree with? What are you learning about God and yourself?)

So... who's in?