Everything is louder when I’m
depressed, from the kids to my conscience.
And it is impossible to make either of them quiet for long.
“Have
you been feeling unreasonably guilty about anything?”
Most mothers have been asked this question
by a medical professional:
I remember saying “No,” while inwardly crumbling a little. Please just don’t make me talk about this any
more.
I felt plenty of guilt, but it was not unreasonable. I knew I was a
big selfish jerk, incapable of getting out of my own head, prone to anger, and
short on love. My very presence was poisoning my home and family.
I was
unreasonable, but my guilt was not.
Believe me, I had tried to make it seem
that way to myself. How much time in the pit did I spend trying to tell myself
that I had an excuse for feeling injured, that I had a right to be upset about
some small offense? I could go around in circles for hours, excusing and then
accusing myself.
You can’t be giving
of yourself all the time! It is ok to want help, to demand it, to pout if you
don’t get it. Of course you should pour yourself out caring for your family,
but not ALL of yourself! If you are feeling empty- it is THEIR fault! These
people, and those kids, and all their NEEDS!
But, wait, self…
aren’t you supposed to love your family?
They have needs that only you can meet. Why
are you refusing to give to them? Are they really asking so much from you?
Look, there goes another need unmet- the child who wanted attention, and you
are too stuck in your head to give it. . And now you met that need for a snack,
but you did it with anger and self-pity. Where’s the love you say you have for
these people? Your heart is nothing but
selfishness!
In the pit, everything is amplified.
Loudly I hear the accusation of my sin, and
complaints about those done against me.
It is so loud, I can’t sort it out. I feel that there is truth in both
sides, but it is impossible for me to untangle the mess. As long as I keep
listening to both sides, neither one will quiet down.
My heart wants so badly to justify itself.
It contorts and argues with all its might, trying to find rest in my own
excuses and reasons for my struggle. But mixed in with all the legitimate
complaints is my own horrid selfishness, and so my heart can find no rest.
The loud feelings have truth in them, and I
cannot make them quiet. Eventually, I collapse in guilt and weariness. I am too exhausted to fight.
Jesus, quiet my mind for me.
Father, I am a
mess.
I see selfishness in every single thing I
touch. The people around me are selfish, too, and what they do affects me so
much- too much. I can’t sort it out, and
I don’t trust myself to even try.
You see what is sin in me- forgive me,
destroy the selfishness, and fill me with Your love.
You see what is merely weakness- heal and
strengthen that.
You see what is injury- heal me, and teach
me to forgive.
You see what I cannot see- guide me, Lord.
In the name of Jesus, whose death for me
gives me the courage to bring my messy self to you, Amen.
See also Kleinig on Conscience