A few weeks ago my husband and I were talking about depression. It’s interesting, we agreed, how it seems
easier for someone in the pit to lean on a cyber-friend, or a distant friend,
or anyone other than the people that
love them in their own homes.
I nodded along with him, and agreed. That is my tendency as
well. I feel this way for a few reasons, I explained:
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| I'll come out when I'm ready. |
1. I’d rather appear weak to anyone else on the planet
other than my husband. 2. He won’t
understand, not in a personal, experiential way. He’s never been in this pit. I
want to talk to someone who understands.
Then a few days later, the pit snuck up on me again, and I
remembered. (How could I have forgotten?) I remembered that there are 2 other
very important reasons that I try to hide myself from my dear husband when I am
depressed.
1. The rage.
How did I forget about the rage?
I’ve said before, my depression tends to be severe but
short-lived. This helps me (sometimes) identify the symptoms.
For example,
Monday morning, in the before school rush, I might think, “Wow
this is a busy morning! I wish my husband would help with breakfast… well, then
again, he’s been sick and spent all night coughing. I can handle it. I’ll ask a
big kid to help me instead.”
Tuesday morning, in the same situation, I think “I want to know
when the &*$ it was decided that I would do all the $##$% work in the morning
while HE gets to sit and watch the #$$#@ news!?!?” I work in tears and anger
and explain myself to nobody.
One of my warning signs- when I think in expletives. Not typical
for me. And I know I’m not being
reasonable. I simply can’t be reasonable.
I try to stuff it and wait until the fog clears, so I can see whether or not my problem is something that
warrants a rational discussion or not.
If I open those floodgates, he will get hurt.
2. The vulnerability
If I’m going to hurt him, he’s going to react in some way. And
I can’t really imagine a reaction that will not add to my own pain. See, when I am angry and hateful and
depressed like this, hating myself and him and everything, I am also SO
INCREDIBLY VULNERABLE. I know; this makes no sense.
If he realizes what is going on and humors me, I will feel
like I am being treated like a child. I will get even angrier with him. (I
blame my depressed ears.)
If he defends himself, he will mostly likely be right! Then, I will crumble under the weight of my
own sin and selfishness. But I’m already doing that. I can’t handle any more
weight.
His words could utterly destroy me. And then what?
Since my trips to the pit seem to last no more than a day or
two, waiting for the fog to clear seems to be a good strategy for me. I will
tell him I’m fighting depression. I will
NOT talk about the &*%$ dog or helping with breakfast. Not yet. But I warned him this time, just in
case the floodgates do open someday when I am still in the fog. I gave him a pre-emptive apology. J
Friends who understand, what do you do? Hide or confide?
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