Just a little more time...

Oh Father, these children! Did I let them into my heart only to have them taken out again? Each year brings more letting-go. Kindergarten took three days a week. Then first grade took all of our weekdays. Then activities, friends, and camp take more and more. If this is hard for me now, what of then? What of the day when we live in different states, and get together, maybe, on holidays?

first day of kindergarten

Do you feel it mothers? Do you feel the urgency? Do you know how fleeting these moments are? And yet, even we try to pry our hands and our eyes open so that we can receive and hold as many as we can, we know the task is impossible.

Can we fill up with moments like we can food? Can we be filled, satisfied, stuffed to the point of sickness? My belly is full of moments, but I am not ready to get up from the table. I am not ready to sell the crib.

Even if we refused to blink, if we pried our eyes open and took every moment into our hearts, they would still grow. And they would stretch out their arms, and they would move away. My greedy hands want to keep them, if not forever, at least for now. I do not want them to go to summer camp. I do not want to share them with grandma, with teachers, with spouses.

But, sister in Christ, these feelings are of the old nature. Our grasping, worrying, pining- these things expose the sin tangled in our mother-love. These things are not born of trust in God. We are not seeking the good of our children when we keep them prisoners in our greedy hands, when we demand that they satisfy our needs with their presence. May God forgive us making them our gods, and for trying to be their gods.

Yet a day is coming, mothers, when even the sin that taints our love for our children will be gone. Christ’s forgiveness burns away the fog in our hearts. The Spirit strengthens our new hearts and teaches them to love with a better love. And we hear the promises of God, given to sinners, given to us.

Truly, truly I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life. John 5:24

Eternal life: think on this with me. Because of God’s grace given to us in Jesus, we have eternal life. Our stories do not start at birth and end with our physical death. God has changed our story arc. We have been freed from that awful ending. We have been given more time- eternity, even. We do not have to seize the day. We do not need to hoard moments. We can let go of their hands. The separation that we experience now--whether they go to kindergarten, grandma’s, college, or the grave-- it will seem like a mere moment, like nothing, when eternity is spread before us; when the fog has been burned away and we see all things by the light of Christ.

Father,

Forgive me for the sin that stains my mother-love. Forgive me for trying to satisfy myself in my children, and for trying to be that which satisfies them. Open my hands, that I may receive the good moments as blessings from you, and keep them open, that I may be ready and willing to share these children with the world. Lift my eyes to You, and fasten my heart to Your promises. Teach me to look forward to that day when Your Word is fufilled in my sight. Sustain me until then, Lord, for I am weak.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you,  who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,  obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 peter 1:3-9