the grief of masks

I thrive in connection, comforting,  and fellowship

and I do not know how to do this thing with my face tied behind my back.

It would be arrogant to think that people need MY face

to reflect the love of God to them;

but faces? 

Don’t we need faces, isn’t it true that we are made in His image and told to reflect him?

Instead I see stifled rapport, teens at a distance, hiding in their phones,

elderly who have no lips to read give up trying to communicate

and i see a mother holding her newborn, looking down at her with masked face,

and I think, how can that baby be comforted?

How without funny faces and audible coos and connection and smiles?

If I had had to train my baby in church with my face tied behind my back,

I would have given up and just stayed home. 

Masks smother those micro expressions,

the little grimace or the tiny sigh that calls a friend to comfort, 

that communicates a cry for help:

“it’s been a hard week, i’m struggling here”

Words written in the way he holds his mouth

or seen in the subtle clench of her jaw.

i can’t see the cries for help- it’s all fabric and silence

And I can’t give a cry for help

the subtle eye contact with the sad smile to the friend who knows just what that means

or the fellow Christian who doesn’t know,

but would ask if she knew, if she could see my burden.

How does one ask for help in a pandemic, from behind a mask? 

How can we tell one glassy eyed stare from another?

Is someone going to get desperate enough to stand up in the pew

wave desperate hands and yell “I am not OK with any of this! Help me, i’m suffocating!”

but oh, the hand waving would take so much effort,

we think, as we rebreathe our air, and tiredness surrounds and oppresses, 

and we succumb again to the tired stare

and nobody can tell the difference.

We have this awful question forced upon us:

Which of our needs is greater? Connection, or safety from a virus?

Can we have both, or do we have to choose?

We cannot measure the cost of this safety measure.

But there is a cost. 

and I am carrying the question: is it worth it?

Will we go on forever with our faces tied behind our backs?

______________

If we have had the virus, or the vaccine, will we be allowed human connection again?

Why does it seem like the answer will be NO?

If it is, will we be ok with that? 

Is it worth the cost?

My intention is not to debate the usefulness of masks. I raise these questions because I think they need to be raised, and even if we knew masks guaranteed safety, I would still be asking these questions: What are the side effects? Is this “new normal” worth the price?