Make me defiant

 Entrust your souls to a faithful creator while doing good.

Entrusting: this seems to be the easy part,  because it’s kind of like falling into my bed in exhaustion; napping though there’s so much work to be done.  The world is not mine to rule.  I’m exhausted, and so I nap.  

Entrust myself. Yes if God is good, I can trust and nap, but can I hide and quit while  He makes it all OK again?  What is this “entrust and do good,” and how can you ask it of someone so weary?

I’m crying and praying in the bedroom.

I do NOT feel grateful and they don’t either. I do not want to pull them together around the kitchen table to do some counting of blessings nonsense.

And so, in utter defiance of my own feelings (and all that is broken in the world)I did exactly that thing.

A thanksgiving tree. “No mom,how about a burning bush like we used to have in indiana?”

Yes, ok, let’s do that.. 

And they gathered around and got excited and joked and fought over the tape and asked me a million times how to spell things. And I taped leaves to the wall.  

Defiant, thankful leaves.

Lord make me defiant.

Not of you, but of the lies that seek to suffocate me. 

Sometimes kicking through the emotions does lead to relief. 

Cutting stupid leaves out of construction paper to write about the gratitude that I most certainly do not feel.

Defiant kitchen singing, loudly and wholeheartedly

Defiant running while focusing on scripture, running through tears even but still running and keeping my eyes literally on the Word.

Defiantly letting the emotions just come, sitting in them, and then defiantly getting up again, too

Help me defy the urge to fight God’s will (the imperfect reality he sent me TODAY.)

Defy the urge to escape by consuming or numbing

Help me defy the urge to resent Him, or this place, or others

I feel the skin irritation, the rage against the noise and the clutter and I feel the urge to make everyone clean everything immediately and be silent and away from me because it is all just TOO MUCH

God, give me the strength to defy these feelings by interacting with them and forcing kindness into my voice and prying my eyes open to see the gifts you give and singing praises that I might not feel.

(O Lord open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise!)

I feel the urge to sue the universe, as if suffering sent to me is wrong somehow and never should even be a thing. I DEFY these feelings and trust my God instead. I will make a defiant loaf of bread and trust in His provision for tomorrow.

(He will from evil shield me, so to him I will yield me)

Defy the darkness; receive and reflect the light. 

This is courageous, heroic and more than we have in us.

God, we need your help.

Fight the darkness in us and around us.

Make us defiant.

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Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (1 Peter 4:19)