one last glass of chocolate milk- launching Aggie

 1. We got a few bonus moments this summer

before she went and launched herself out west

night singing and rain walking

thrift shopping and car dancing

marvelling at the mountains, the lakes, even a moose

but now it’s time

to pry open my fist, again

to hug goodbye, to cry behind sunglasses

my mama heart is never ready for this

it can consent to change (sort of)

it can commend to the Lord (partially)

& it still trembles, winces, aches

2. This week, she discovered a new superpower. If she touches me during a hymn, if she holds my hand or leans on my shoulder, I immediately lose the ability to sing.

3. Look, how the world goes on shining even when I'm not there*

like right now;

mom is probably watering her flowers in michigan

and the waves are crashing on the pier

and my watermelon are still growing bit by bit near the sweltering cornfield

and a mountain lake is silently reflecting the sky

right now shining, somewhere

my son is mowing a lawn and cherishing his wife in Kentucky

my daughter is serving coffee and opening her heart to new adventures in Indiana

my newly-launched daughter is adjusting to altitude, cool air, new everything in Wyoming

and no,

God tells me, when I protest,

i can't have a front row seat to everything all at once

if God wants to expand and expand his work

far outside my line of vision, well…

first of all, he already has, He already was

I have never been the center

He’s been at this for years

and there is even more there

and there

and way over there, shining

(I think he’ll take me there someday

when my hands are emptier)

Meanwhile, I’m not there

but I am here

resolutely here

with my limited front row seat

with my arms that do not reach across the country

even as my heart keeps trying to

4. I want to lay a gravestone

“in loving memory of the front row seat”

and then plant a flower

“in loving embrace of this seat, today”

but for now I’ll just pour one last round of chocolate milk

so she can raise one last glass with her brothers

and that will be it.

5. Bloom, daughter,

Keep your heart open and your hand in His.

He’s got you. He always has.

-----

*inspired by Mary Oliver

on bracing for impact

They were out on the boat and the wind shifted; the waves were suddenly threatening

Yikes! Pack in the tube, drop off the littles, and drive the half hour back into the harbor for safety.

But I hadn’t had my boat ride yet. So in a wild impulse, I asked to get on. 

Just climbing on the boat was wild in those huge waves; that should have been my clue.

But, fun, and risk, and a day in the sunshine on Lake Michigan with my people!

My heart wants to plunge in, embrace every second of it. 

It was rougher than I thought it would be. I kept looking at his face-

Are we good?
You got this?
Is this real danger or am I just scared? 

I stood so I could see the waves coming, bend my knees and balance with them. I’m always more comfortable that way; with this tiny illusion of control.

The waves were big enough that the jets came out of the water several times; the entire boat came out of the water more than once. The impact after a wave like that sometimes felt like the boat would crack in half. 

I look at his face- are we good? He’s not smirking, or laughing at my fear this time. 

He’s concentrating too hard for that. 

My death grip got shaky and I realized I was wearing myself out. 

You signed up for this!

But I didn't know how scary it would be!

Look at you there- fighting the waves- who is that helping?

Is there really another option?

Just to experiment, I unclenched. And the boat didn’t fall apart. 

I unclenched, and didn’t fly off. 

I unclenched, and nobody died. 

Nobody even noticed. 

The waves just kept waving as they were before;

The boat kept making wild steady progress just as before.
I think I felt Jesus and Josh smirking at me, a little. 

I unclenched, and found myself free to look around a little.
To notice how the yahoos in the front were laughing; one was even holding his hands in the air like he was on a roller coaster. (Show off!)

To marvel at my husband’s skill in maneuvering the boat (and his curly hair)

to imagine the predictive calculations his brain and body were making every minute

to thank God he has a brain like that (plus steady nerves)

and even, a few times, to lean IN to the waves instead of fighting

to jump with tentative approval when the boat jumped

to laugh.

I unclenched, 

released my fake control,

and found myself free.

An artist at the festival

He’s a man wearing a Tailor-made life

it fits him perfectly; he pulls it off
He struts around in it with joy, telling his story to whoever will listen

His Tailor-made life has pockets for all his treasures
but they overflow;
so he sells his extra treasure at festivals
offering classes so others can learn
to gather and capture and celebrate
and pour out
like he does

He looks my teenage son in the eye with seriousness, saying
“You miss every opportunity you don’t take,
so take your chances;
it might be a miss but you gotta show up, you gotta try”

He has found his song,
he sings it joyfully,
his gray beard framing his smile,
his fervent invitation

Later that night,
My son captures a sunset.

questions posed to my soul

If God sent rest, would you receive it?
Could you recognize it?
or would you call it names like

boredom,
loneliness,

and try to send it away as fast as you could?

If God sent margin, would you fill it?
Could you delight in it?
or would you reach left and right to fill the empty spaces

to re-create the overscheduled pace

where your breathless complaints are familiar?

If God sent a gift

that you don’t already know how to receive,

Would you ask for His help unwrapping it?

 

new fields

a soul, uprooted
plopped in the middle of a field
roots exposed

and waiting

it’s not time to dig in yet
it’s time for lingering
feeling the morning sun
and the cool relief of falling rain

the expanse
life everywhere
it’s glorious
& a little lonely

There are no more boxes to unpack
and whatever comes next
is starting slowly
quietly
gently

the late-planted seeds in my field
are without root even now
yet they are beyond me
in the skill
of quiet waiting

more lasts

Ps 84:2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.

This month has been so much travel; that has also meant worshipping with the saints in other parts of the country! I am struck by how good it feels to have our Lord in common; how much like “home” it can be in WY or WI or IL or KY to stand side by side saying the creed and singing the hymns. I have beheld Him, present, in his GLORY - and his glory is in the ways he takes care of the faithful, normal people, who are staggering through their lives, hearing his Word, clinging to His faithfulness. And He is present with them; always giving himself (take eat this is my body); always forgiving our sins, drawing us close.

His sanctuary stretches miles and days, wherever His Word is, wherever He is present.

Steadying thoughts for this season of feeling uprooted and between homes.

-----------------

 More lasts, this week

-last day at CC, last blue books

-last fighting Louisville traffic at rush hour (yay!)

-last trip to Wisconsin, last stay in the farmhouse that has been Lorraine and Andrew's temporary home

-last drive through Chicago for awhile (yay!)

-last retreat at Lakeview

-last trip to the Kentucky DMV (yay!)

-last weekend apart from my husband for a long time, I hope!

After a few more days of finishing up lasts, we will return to our new home, unpacked boxes, and a wide open calendar. Our piano needs a few weeks to "settle in" before it can be tuned, and I guess we will need time, also. Though I want to fill in the empty spaces quickly, to replace the activities and the people we are leaving, I also know there is good in the pause, the open spaces, and the quiet. 

This is simply the next stage of God's remodeling project.

Lord, keep rearranging us, at your pace; and help me relinquish the reins. 

kentucky lasts

 I do not regret loving here. But it sure makes leaving harder.

It’s our last Easter in Kentucky and we are divided between 2 churches, some of us attend both. Soon we'll be divided across three states-- wait, no actually four when Aggie leaves for college… soon.

Soon. It is all so soon.

My heart is pulled in every direction.

There is excitement- I will jump again, take a leap again, with this man I love.

How many people get to do this so often in a marriage?

We look forward to together, to new adventures; to drinking coffee in the mornings on our new porch while the sun rises over the field. My complaint and prayer to him and to God-- “get me out of the city” -- is being answered this very week.

But first, we must pack, we must make a thousand tiny decisions, and we must walk, one by one, through all the Kentucky lasts.

What is coming to an end?

The list is so long.

Living in the same house as Aggie; in the same city as Seth & Ava, Grammy & Bump, Quinn & Sara and the kids. Weekly worship at Our Savior. Our lives intertwined with these homeschool families in our life-giving co-op.

I name them one by one, treasuring, grieving, praying for God’s help to open my hand and trust Him as I set them each down.

The vast preciousness of the humans and the places around me light up brightly here at the edge of goodbyes.

I will not close my eyes, even when they tear up

with sadness or

with the sheer brilliance of it all, the memories of all that God has done in this place. it’s overpowering,

like the scent of the lilies around the altar on Easter Sunday.

-----

Lord you have lately brought to light

our time right here is fleeting

We sing your comfort and your might

Your faithfulness repeating

and as last joys and times go by

with bold grief-hope we smile and cry

our lives are in your keeping

(added verse to across the sky the shades of night lsb 899)

on nostalgia, and enough

 It’s moving season. I asked Nostalgia what she wanted, and she had clear directions for me: get everyone together. Take one more springtime hike. Then, remember the pieces of Kentucky together: the rooms, the music, the people, the things we chose, the things we didn’t choose, the things we just barely survived.  Remember how plans changed, how we were only going to stay here two years. Name the events, the people, the unasked for gifts, the things we might be happy to leave behind. Then pull up some old pictures to tap even more memories. See how you’ve all grown. And laugh. 

I asked Lorraine to come home one more time, before this place is no longer “home,” so she did.  We had our weekend; my heart is full. It is enough. 

We still have a few weeks in this place. Closure and change are different this time. Better or worse, I can’t say. Just different. We are living our lives here while Josh is there; attention divided, together on weekends when there is work to be done. Most of the house is in storage already and I’m getting a taste of living like a minimalist. (I love it.)

We sold our house; we have a new one. The contracts are signed; we wait for closing dates. I sit on the new porch in my imagination, often, looking out at the field. I can’t wait to live in the country again. The Lord has more for us, there.

Meanwhile, we are here. 

And I wonder; 

What does “enough” feel like?

There is much we do not know. Where are we going to church? What are the school plans? Who are our new ‘people?’ How long will we have to wait? Will there be a season of quiet grief and desert life, or is this a move from abundance to abundance? 

As I watched the younger 2 with their volleyball team the other day; all the energy and laughs and inside jokes, my heart ached-- it is hard to leave such abundance. 

Will there be more? Is abundance now enough?

What does enough feel like?

All six of the kids were at home this weekend, plus Seth’s Ava. Abundance; and yet Andrew was missing- it wasn’t everybody. The definition of “complete” has expanded.  

Spring is coming to Kentucky and we all hiked through it. I learned later that the one who almost stayed home was convinced to come by older siblings. This time, it didn’t take bribery or threat; it was simply, “We’re doing this for mom.” 

So they all did it.

My, we have gotten big.

Here is love, family, and the presence of God.

Mutual love and affection.

Abundance.
It is enough.  

-- 

Eyes on the source, my soul, as you step forward into the next adventure. The God of abundance will not forsake you; or them, in all this rearranging. Hands open; eyes up.

in the chapel at Ft Wayne

During chapel at Ft Wayne this week,

I looked in the back pew and saw 2008 me,

on call night, all wide-eyed and nervous,

saying “please please God send us to Michigan, not far from my parents”

Sitting through a loooong service, with music and loud singing and anticipation

and my “please God please God please God” was louder in my ears than anything

And they finally called him up to the front with The Call:
“Joshua Cook… Columbus Indiana”
The Pew lurched and I grabbed hold of my friend “that’s Northern Indiana, right?”
She smiled a little and whispered “No.”

And my stomach sank to my feet and I tried not to cry

and there was so much I didn’t know.

I didn’t know some of our new forever-family had driven all the way here,

and was waiting to greet us after the service with warmth and details

I didn’t know that I’d love it there, be flattened by trials there, 

learn how to be “weak and loved” there, 

and experience what it meant to “be church,” there.

I didn’t know we wouldn’t get to stay there, 

that my rollercoaster car would turn and lurch a few more times in the decades to come.

The rollercoaster has circled back around to the campus of Ft Wayne for symposia week. The little car stayed still for a moment with just the 2 of us inside, and we joined the others in the pews, making time to breathe, sing, and pray.

and I realize i’m still that girl,

who just wants to be close to my parents, 

and all the comfortable things I know.

and God is still God, 

who is giving me a life that is harder and richer 

than I ever could have orchestrated for myself.

I’m learning to notice when I’m gripping too hard, a little sooner

and to laugh at myself a little more quickly

and to hear the music playing in the midst of everything.

I’m showing up for the remodeling project today,

trying to fight less,

to trust the grace I’ve seen in the face of Christ:

He is making room for more.