My heart is not stabbed with the arrow of epilepsy or depression at the moment. My wound is not gushing. And yet, even healthy and seemingly capable, I need.
Perhaps I can see this more clearly than others because of the sheer quantity of children I have: I simply cannot meet all their needs. Not even the legitimate ones. My patience is not strong enough, my heart is not big enough. I don’t love them enough. I’m not talking about being their god; or filling a hole that I was never meant to fill. I’m just talking about my calling. I’m their mom. And I don’t love them enough. I love them much less than I love myself.
That sounds harsh, but it is true.
This selfish heart of mine is not capable of giving my kids the love they deserve.
I just don’t have it in me.
How do I know?
I know because the pin pricks remind me. The pricks of everyday life reveal again and again, my sin and my need. (And these six children, how they prick me!)
- They wake me up early and I don’t CARE what they do or what they watch so long as they leave me alone.
- They leaven their shoes in the living room and I throw them down the hall in anger.
- Boy hits boy and the screaming makes me MAD.
- The child wets the bed and I stomp around about it.
- The baby tap-tap-taps on my arm and I yell, “WHAT!? Stop touching ME!” and he cries.
- They talk, talk, talk at me, and I find myself thinking crazy thoughts.
Even healthy and strong, I need. I need grace like I need air.
Our Father did not say to His children, “call me when you’ve had a horrible day and I’ll see what I can do.”
Prayer is not meant to be like dialing 911: Emergencies only, and it had better be serious!
Rather, God says, “Abide in me, for apart from me, you can do nothing.”
He gives us all good things, freely, from eternal life to daily bread.
When I was flattened, my ears were opened and I heard the song of God’s love for me. He called to me and carried me and upheld my heart when I could not do it alone.
It’s a song I hear, grace I breathe in, even on a normal day like today.
Do you use prayer like 911?
How has God shown His love to you this week, in big or little things?
This weekend we are celebrating the anniversary of My Great Flattening
Aggie's brain surgery.
Rejoicing in three years seizure-freedom this Sunday.
Join the conversation, and tell your friends!
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| My Weakness/His Strength: See the whole series here |
Those pin pricks are the tough reminders of our selfishness. I have thrown shoes, toys, etc and yelled and pouted and yet my children still look at me with their big brown eyes for the answers, for love, for compassion. I don't always have it to give, but God always does. He has it for me and my children. And it is truly a wonderful gift.
ReplyDeleteEverytime I look at my children, I see answered prayers and God's unconditional love. I encourage them to go to Him with everything even if I don't always set the best example for them to follow and sometimes use those times to show them how to pray for guidance and forgiveness. It's not an easy thing for me to do, but it will never compare to what Jesus did for me.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us this week Emily. Yours is a beautiful heart!
Yes I agree Angie. Those pin pricks hurt, especially the part when you look in the mirror after you've thrown a mommy sized fit!
Delete"Everytime I look at my children, I see answered prayers and God's unconditional love. I encourage them to go to Him with everything even if I don't always set the best example for them to follow and sometimes use those times to show them how to pray for guidance and forgiveness. It's not an easy thing for me to do, but it will never compare to what Jesus did for me."
Angie, that is beautiful.
;)
So glad I'm not the only one who snaps and thinks crazy thoughts. I go bonkers when the kids will not quit hanging on me. It's ok when they want to cuddle, but apparently only when I have time and welcome it...SELFISH!
ReplyDeleteLaura, I understand SO much! Sometimes I feel like I"m about to turn into the HULK and start throwing them off of me!!! Terrible, I know- but a good warning sign that I need a break and some divine help!
DeleteDr. Jekyll and Mama Hyde. That's what this is all about. When I turn into Mama Hyde, the looks I get from them just break my heart, but my outward actions are mean and hateful and I yell. It's just due to the guilt I feel and the fact I never should have been so impatient to begin with. "I need grace like I need air." It's a very calming thought. Can I remember it when they are talk, talk, talking or pick, pick, picking? The grace comes anyway, whether I remember it or not. Hallelujah!
ReplyDeleteThe grace comes anyway, whether I remember it or not. Hallelujah!
DeleteAMEN.
Such a good thing.
Jenny, again I think this is another quotable... I'm carrying this thought with me today, and putting this quote in the percolator :)
DeleteI thought I was going to lose my mind last night because my son kept running behind me on the couch and pulling my hair. I pulled his back to show him how it felt and he LAUGHED! uh. There are no words.
ReplyDeleteBut yes. There are pinpricks that remind me I am in constant need of grace.
Mary Beth @newlifesteward
RGH I know just what you mean! (That's NOT supposed to be FUNNY, kid!!!!)
DeleteI am your newest follower, drawn in by the beauty of your writing, your honesty, your sharing of truth. Looking forward to more reading. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you angel! You are most welcome here :)
DeleteI know it takes so much to be vulnerable and honest about our real struggles, about what mothering is really all about, and really how hopeless we are without our Savior!
ReplyDeleteI'd really love for you to link up and share at the Heart&Home link party at http://www.mercyINKblog.com
blessings to you on the mothering journey,
lauren
Thank you so much for the invite Lauren! I'll head over there right now!
DeleteOh you poor dear. I'm so sorry you must be feeling so overwhelmed. It sounds like some of your more basic needs are not being met either and it is so much harder to give when your needs have been overlooked for too long. It's not selfish at all. One simply cannot give when depleted of all resources, no matter how much you might want to. I wish for you that you might find a way to get time and space for yourself, to re-energize and get what it is you need to feel full and ready again to give to others.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for joining in and I wish you all the best.
Thank you Jade. I am learning (ever so slowly!) to care for myself and more importantly to let Him care for me, to breathe in and inhale his grace and His Word whenever I can! So glad He uses me, even with the selfishness mixed in my heart, to bless my children anyways.
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