My Weakness/His Strength #2: 'Twas Grace That Showed My Heart Its Need

My husband and I worked in a nursing home while we were in college. 

Doris & Emily

We were partners in the job and in ministry to the elderly people in that home. It was a tough job, but I loved it.  When one of us discovered a resident that needed an extra listening ear or a prayer, the other would double up on the “real” jobs so that could get done. It was in that nursing home that we met Agnes, dear Agnes, who taught us Luther’s evening prayer as we read her devotions to her at night:

Josh & "Grandma" Agnes doing nightly devotions

A young girl in my strength, I bounced around that nursing home meeting all the needs that I could. I loved working with my husband in this way. 

I love being the need-meeter.

But I don't always get to be the need-meeter:

"When we moved to our new home, I had my eyes open for programs that needed starting, for old people who needed visiting, and for children who needed baby-sitting. Sure, I had a few kids myself, but I expected life to be a little easier after the move because I no longer had to work outside the home. Just let me know where you want me to focus my energies, Lord, and I’m ready."
(Weak and Loved.)


That time, he did not send me programs and jobs. He did not send me a fulfilling niche and an eager group of people to serve with my abundant talents and health.


Instead, trials.
We moved. 
We found out we were expecting baby #5. 
Then, seizures.


I found myself flattened.
Not need-meeting.
Instead, needy.


And I hated it.
Why? Because suffering hurts. 
It hurt my heart, and it hurt my pride.


Need: to be expected in other people. Forgivable. Part of being human. Nothing to be ashamed of. I’d be happy to help you with that, in fact.
But need in me? It can’t be! I must be doing something wrong! I must hide it, must toughen up, must get over it!
I should be above this!

(And there, right there, you see my ugly double standard and my pride.)

I want to be strong. I want to look strong.
But I was flattened by grief, flattened by the enormity of the trial, flattened by my own inability, and my own lack of love.


I had been running around thinking, "God loves the needy, and I do too! Aren't we a great team?!"
But it was there, flat on my face in a puddle of need, that I learned:


He loves the needy, including me.

Aggie’s sickness was not the first time I learned this. I learned it as a child. I learned it when I got married, and discovered a new layer of selfishness in my love for my husband. I learned it when I had my first baby. I learned it when my husband went to Iraq and I was a blubbering mess.

I’ll probably have to learn it again.
I am so glad my Lord is a patient teacher.

Do you tolerate need in others but not in yourself?

Does suffering hurt your heart AND your pride?
Have you ever been flattened?

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