stepping out in the sunshine despite the threat of rain

Today, the sun is out. The fog of depression has been nowhere near for weeks now. I am energetic, motivated, passionate. I am taking on new commitments, and I am excited for each one of them.

Yet a small anxiety lurks in the back of my mind: what if it happens? What if IT comes back?

I won’t be able to handle this schedule if that happens—not even half of it.

I step back and think about this fear of mine. Things could always happen- A child might get sick. I might get the stomach flu. These things might make me have to cancel my commitments. That’s life. No big deal.

Why is the threat of depression so much scarier? Yet, it is.

The mere threat of depression: it is almost enough to make me timid.

I don’t trust myself, my health. How dare I commit?

Things might change, and I might let you down.

You might not understand.

(I might not even be strong enough to give you the chance.)

I might…. disappoint. (insert horrified gasp)

I can’t kill the fear, but I can let it drive me to prayer and vigilance.

I will watch for symptoms.

I will take care of my body.

I will try to call out for help when I need it, before it is too late.

Today, my mind and my body are strong, and I am upheld by the grace of God. The sun is out! And while the sun shines, I will work. He helps me step forward in faith, relying on His provision, and walk in the works Has placed in front of me, today.

If I am to walk, I must cling to His hand.

Don’t let me get overwhelmed.

Don’t let the pit come back.

Don’t let me crash.

Hold me up, hold me close!

His hand grabs mine, and it is strong and steady.

I am not the glue that holds the world together. He is.

And today, He has given me work to do.

Here we go. 

Steady, now.

(For more on this topic, see Depression)

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