old injury

Aggie started her day off yesterday complaining of a headache.  She had sunken eyes, dark circles.  Of course, it is probably nothing.  Or she’s getting sick or something.  Yep, that’s it.  Just keep moving; worry does no good.

That old antenna went up again though, and I didn’t even realize that was what was happening.  Those tired eyes.  I must watch them. 

Wait, was that…?  No, it wasn’t a seizure.  Was it?  Just don’t think about it; if it was there will be more and you will know for sure.  Keep moving.

And suddenly the other kids were much harder to handle.  My eyes were on her eyes, and they didn’t want to be anywhere else. 

“Aggie?”

“What mommy?  I was just looking at that fly.”

“Oh, nevermind.  Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah mommy.”

Oh I remember having this conversation a thousand times during that dark year…  Oh please Lord no.

We swam in the pool, and she played with us like normal.  Mostly.  I hung up towels and they helped me bring in vegetables from the garden.  She helped, and only got a little confused.  But of course that could be normal too.  I made dinner and boys wrestled and whined, and I wondered WHY do I seem to have no patience at all tonight?   I decided it was a good night for the lowering of standards, and I let them watch a movie.  I hurried through my kitchen jobs so I could sit next to her.

Sit next to her and what?  Stare at her head?  Look at her eyes and diagnose a tumor?  Stroke her hair and see her scar and beg God to spare us from another one?

I thought none of those things in words.  I simply worked in the kitchen with an ache in my arms for her.  Other demands from other children got in my way, to my immense frustration.  Why, self, are you so frustrated with these everyday little things?  Why are you working so quickly?  What are these emotions that bring up those old favorite hymns and prayers so loudly?

I finally realized what was going on when it lifted.

After the movie, two other children were complaining of a headache.  One had a fever. 

Praise God, thought this ridiculous mother, it’s just a bug!  Then, I cheerfully got them all to bed, hugs and Tylenol and compassion all around. 

Now I sit at the computer, facing what will likely be a weekend of cancelled plans and six sick children, and I feel relief.  Again we have been spared that thing I fear: a return of tumors and seizures, a return of the hardest trial I have ever experienced. 

I didn’t know it when it was happening, but obviously many of yesterday's problems can be attributed to that old injury flaring up again.  Those old fears and feelings; that scar that throbs sometimes and sends me so quickly back to my knees, reminding me that I am a beggar in all things for all things.

I beg this morning, for patience and health required to tend to these six children this weekend. I need grace and help to face even this smaller trial; yet I also thank God, and praise God, that it is only this trial, and not that other one.