Depression: Why I hide.

A few weeks ago my husband and I were talking about depression.  It’s interesting, we agreed, how it seems easier for someone in the pit to lean on a cyber-friend, or a distant friend, or anyone other than the people that love them in their own homes.

I'll come out when I'm ready.

I nodded along with him, and agreed. That is my tendency as well. I feel this way for a few reasons, I explained:

 1.  I’d rather appear weak to anyone else on the planet other than my husband.  2. He won’t understand, not in a personal, experiential way. He’s never been in this pit. I want to talk to someone who understands.

Then a few days later, the pit snuck up on me again, and I remembered. (How could I have forgotten?) I remembered that there are 2 other very important reasons that I try to hide myself from my dear husband when I am depressed.

1.  The rage.

How did I forget about the rage?

I’ve said before, my depression tends to be severe but short-lived. This helps me (sometimes) identify the symptoms. 

For example,

Monday morning, in the before school rush, I might think, “Wow this is a busy morning! I wish my husband would help with breakfast… well, then again, he’s been sick and spent all night coughing. I can handle it. I’ll ask a big kid to help me instead.”

Tuesday morning, in the same situation, I think “I want to know when the &*$ it was decided that I would do all the $##$% work in the morning while HE gets to sit and watch the #$$#@ news!?!?” I work in tears and anger and explain myself to nobody.

One of my warning signs- when I think in expletives. Not typical for me. And I know I’m not being reasonable.  I simply can’t be reasonable. I try to stuff it and wait until the fog clears, so I can see  whether or not my problem is something that warrants a rational discussion or not.

If I open those floodgates, he will get hurt.

2. The vulnerability

If I’m going to hurt him, he’s going to react in some way. And I can’t really imagine a reaction that will not add to my own pain.  See, when I am angry and hateful and depressed like this, hating myself and him and everything, I am also SO INCREDIBLY VULNERABLE. I know; this makes no sense.

If he realizes what is going on and humors me, I will feel like I am being treated like a child. I will get even angrier with him. (I blame my depressed ears.)

If he defends himself, he will mostly likely be right!  Then, I will crumble under the weight of my own sin and selfishness. But I’m already doing that. I can’t handle any more weight.

His words could utterly destroy me.  And then what?

Since my trips to the pit seem to last no more than a day or two, waiting for the fog to clear seems to be a good strategy for me. I will tell him I’m fighting depression.  I will NOT talk about the &*%$  dog  or helping with breakfast.  Not yet. But I warned him this time, just in case the floodgates do open someday when I am still in the fog.  I gave him a pre-emptive apology. J

Friends who understand, what do you do? Hide or confide?

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