Depression.
A nasty word, a nasty thing. It’s ugly and dark and life-sucking and terrifying. And it has no place in this wonderful, blessed life of mine.
And yet, there it is.
Depression, what in the world are you doing here? It makes NO sense that you should be in this house, in this life. I am a child of God! I am loved, I am blessed, forgiven, redeemed! How dare you take my joy away from me?
I wrestle. I wrestle with depression. I have on and off for a few years. I am ready to write about it now, even though the battle is not over. I wrestled, I wrestle. And God wrestles too. For me, against me, with me. I don’t always know which.
But I have to write about it, because writing is what I do.
Because I know there are others like me who wrestle, but are ashamed or afraid to say it out loud, I will say things out loud for us. I am safe in His grace, so I can say it out loud. I struggle with depression.
I take medicine, I exercise, I sin, I fall, I wait. He delivers me, somewhat, usually.
Yet I can trust Him, even if I can’t feel Him.
Of this ONE thing I am confident: Not even depression can steal me out of His hand.
** weak and loved **
It's so strange how depression is such a taboo thing especially in Christianity. I think Scripture is full of people who were depressed, or dealt with it at least some times. I mean, even Jesus was depresses, I believe, before heading to the cross. My sister and I talk about this a lot as we both deal with depression and hormonal stuff. It's too bad that people (mainly christians) can't be more receptive/helpful to those who struggle. Why must we be ashamed? Like you, I am more able to say, "I am depressed. I struggle with depression." I too take drugs for it and am such a better person for it! I'm looking forward to not being pregnant any longer so I can get back on my meds (so is my husband! :) ). I'll keep you in my prayers as I know all too well this struggle.
ReplyDeletethanks, Emily! I've been dealing with it for about 7 years. On and off, but mostly on. Actually not so much depression, but severe anxiety which almost every winter leads to depression. I take several meds which really help. Thanks for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine with you! Sometimes saying it out loud can really help.
ReplyDeleteJeni and Mary- sorry to hear you are fellow-sufferers, but thank you for sharing. It will NOT always be this way. And we can pray for each other along the way.
ReplyDeleteJeni- more thoughts to come on the stigma. It is something that is very perplexing to me.
Mary- I have some of the anxiety nastiness as well, and it leads to the pit for me too. There is an (illogical!) connection!
So glad God loves us even when we are very, very messy :)
"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it! Prone to leave the God I love!
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."
Emily, It truly is a pit. Beth Moore wrote a great book about it.
ReplyDeletehttp://search.barnesandnoble.com/Get-Out-of-That-Pit/Beth-Moore/e/9781591455523
I read it this winter while in a pit of my own. With the help of the book, God's grace and some intervention of medicine, I'm out....well, I'm on my way out of the pit.