A snippet from My Gilead- a memory keeping file for my children.
7/14/11
Eldon,
what a sweet moment we shared tonight.
We laid on the dock at sunset watching the birds. I sighed, “This is nice,” and you echoed,
“Niiiiice.” You sucked your fingers and
we pointed out the birds. You wore your
little Spiderman pj pants and no shirt, and cuddled up to me in the cool of the
evening. You tried to dangle your feet
off the dock but couldn't reach, so you almost fell in, and we both
laughed. And you looked at me with your
sweet smile and said “Hey mama! Love you!” and gave me a kiss.
What a great way to end the day.
How
many are your thoughts towards me, O Lord?
If I could number them, they would be more than the sands…. And many are my thoughts towards you,
children.
And to think, God’s thoughts are are more,
better, purer. Towards you, towards
me. It is a comfort.
You
children are so young, you are given so many things to delight in with
innocence. You do not see the shadows I
see, the dangers lurking. That's OK. It is my job to notice the dangers and protect you when I can. Yet, I miss that innocence. I had it too, as a child, before I understood
that people drown in lakes and the bodies of children can be broken. I never used to fear, but now I fear.
Yet fear leads me to cling to God (where else
can we go?), and I have prayed a million prayers for your safety. The danger is ever-present, but God will
remove all of that someday.
How pleasant
it will be when he makes all things new. Perhaps He will allow us to swim and
play together, and there will be no shadow of death to taunt us. I’m not sure what I will do, how I will act,
if I can run along a dock and not guard the edges, not brace for jumping and
saving one of your precious bodies. It
is good, that God will me making me new too.
I look forward to the version of myself without anxiety. I hope you can recognize her.