This is my life now.

Day two of math, and day two of my pert child asking, “WHY do I even have to do this stuff? I know it already! This is for babies!” I’m feeling fiesty, so I tell him I’m happy to stop math class for an informative lecture on the basics of classical education. I move to the white board and explain the stages of learning. I tell him all about memory pegs, and how we never cover a subject just once, but we add to the pegs every time we encounter it. I draw a cyclical pattern on the board as I explain, eloquently, exactly why we do math the way we do math.


My teens are smiling as I sit down to resume our math lesson. “Mom.” They point at the board. “You just drew a poop emoji!”

Summer Peptalk (for moms with school kids)

How are we going to survive this summer?

When I read about wide open summertime, with no plans or scheduled activities, nature bursting to life and kids everywhere just free to be kids, I get as excited as the next mama.

But then I have a Saturday home with my children, ONE Saturday, with little structure, and plenty of family togetherness, and rain.

Each one wants to do this or that, and I try to say yes to it all, bending and twisting to keep each one entertained, and meanwhile, nobody is looking after the housework, and how do they go through all our bath towels and pool towels in just one Saturday? Yes to this and yes to that and still they fight about the little things, and if I hear one more potty joke or one more yell about who DIDN'T flush the potty I am going to lose it. After ONE Saturday.

Once again, head in my hands, I am wondering “how are we going to make it through this so-called vacation?”

First, a peptalk.

Mama,

Summer is coming, and you are no longer twelve. You cannot expect endless unstructured days, free of demands on your time and your patience. You will not read twenty books this summer. You will not have endless hours to work on your tan. Instead, you will have. . . kids.

What will you do when they fight? Tattle? Refuse to obey? Have bad attitudes? Complain about being bored? Get hungry? Want to play video games? These things will happen mama! Think through your reaction now, and tell the kids what they should expect!

What do you want to accomplish this summer?

The short mandatory list

I want them to have lots of unstructured time, but we also have a few goals: daily devotions, reading, basic chores, and piano practice.

Brainstorming

We're going to brainstorm about things we can do this summer. I have the poster board ready, and I plan to have three categories: Things we can do at home; things we can do away; things we can do for others. Lists! C'mon children, let's list ALL THE THINGS!

Technology

This seems backwards, and I'm sure I'm going to be kicking myself for this idea later, but we are starting out the summer with one week SCREEN FREE. After the initial twitchy withdrawl period, my hope is that they will begin to make a habit of entertaining themselves. (And yes, I'm doing it too, with brief exceptions for “family management” purposes.)

What else?
I'm sitting here with my coffee, mere hours before the last day of school is out. I do not feel ready.

I still wish I were twelve.

Father, 
Thank you for the gift and the challenge of summer. Please help me and all parents who will be adjusting to the changed summer schedule. Please provide good weather and safety and wonderful childhood experiences for our children. Please provide us with the energy and strength to facilitate those things. As we enjoy Your Creation, may we see it as a gift from Your hand.  As we watch our garden flourish, we pray that Your Word also my flourish and bear much fruit in us.  Most of all, grant that this summer may be one of growth in faith towards You and fervent love towards one another. In Jesus' name, Amen.

almost, not really, but who cares?

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting all things in every direction. And when it feels overwhelming, I ramp up my effort, but I just end up feeling more frazzled.

The truth is, I'd really just like it all done now.

All of it.

I'd like everything decluttered, toned, researched, written, mailed, organized, and ironed, right now, for good.

I'd like everything solved, healed, restored, and sanctified, too.

And yet here is another day, with loose ends everywhere, and I am in the middle of it.

I am restless in this place. Not in control. Uncomfortable. Unsettled.

And perhaps, that is as it should be.

Perhaps my never-ending list has been given me on purpose, so that I give up trying to check-mark my way into security in my own skin.

Perhaps the weight of sin and clutter and life all press down so that I will look up to Christ for help.

I am still here in this place where growth is slow and my house is a mess even though I worked on it for hours today. Here, in a body, I am not all-powerful nor constantly productive. 

I am bound by time and weakness, and I am right to feel that the battle I am fighting cannot be won by me in my little human frame.

a chicken, almost.

True, all true, but how much does it matter, really?

Set down the list, and step back for a moment.

For those of us who are in Christ,
beloved, 
who have been swept up into the loving arms of God,
and who are even now held tight in the Church and the Word,
do we need to worry and plan and fear?

For us, richly blessed,
inheritors of all things in Christ,
does what we lack for a moment really matter?

For the bride of Christ,
destined to be made whole and beautiful for eternity,
do those few remaining spots need to ruin our day?

For the righteous,
given perfection in Jesus (not doomed to constantly seek it!),
Does it really matter than we haven't yet conquered meal planning?
Or that your chicken-egg looks nothing like the one on Pinterest?

You don't always have to run on the hamster wheel.


Take a break. Read a book.
Breathe in His Word.
Know Him better.
Set the list down, and accept your rest, given as a gift just like the air you breathe.

This is the work of God: that we would believe on the one whom He has sent.

This work He assigns, it is work. It is hard to set down the list of temporal to-dos.
But it is a blessed work, a work that is also rest, soul-rest, healing, and health.

Those things that truly matter? 
God himself tends to them even now.

Lord Jesus, 
Here in the unsettled meantime, in the mess and weakness and sin, even now, tend to me. In your mercy, tend to me. In your compassionate forgiveness, tend to me. In loving discipline, tend to me. In your promises, fill me with hope, and tend to me forevermore. Amen.

It is enough to journey well (chaos and contentment #5)

Where are we leading this horse anyway?

Is there even time to stop and wonder? Or shall we just keep rushing ahead to who-knows-where? What counts in this race- effort, speed, attitude, trophies?

I am a finisher. I feel most successful after a job well done, heavy on the “done.” Completed tasks are a beautiful thing, aren’t they? A room, organized. A pie, baked. A garden, weeded. These are things that cause me to stand up tall, brush my hands off, smile a satisfied smile, and give myself permission to rest.

But my assigned jobs lately are never done, not in that way. Can you relate? Is your house ever clean enough? Are you organized enough? Are you physically fit enough? Have you children been loved enough? Have you prayed enough today? No, no, not even close, nope, and no.

Where are we leading this horse? And does it have to keep going at breakneck speed until we arrive at the end of the race, wherever that is? Can there be rest without guilt? Can we simplify our lives without failing someone or something?

Where is this horse taking us?

In church Sunday, my horse ran in to an electric fence. My aim was off, and I was convicted. After prayers for help, repentant feelings, and joy in God's grace, I returned home. And again, the work undone crowded in- the tasks, the kids, the noise. It crowded in so quickly I almost let it choke out the seeds that God had only just planted.

Do you feel that, too? The way the world and our flesh tries so hard to suffocate the life that God gives us?

You are aiming that horse in some direction. Do you know where? Have your muscles started to fatigue? Is your vision blurry? Do you rush forward into the fog, just to keep moving?

If we take no time to adjust our aim, than we will be directed by the standards of the world and the desires of our flesh. We will be pushed off course. It is certain. Sinners are guaranteed to lose their way if they do not constantly hold tight to the hand of the Lord.

He who has given life to us, gives us new life in Him. He who made us also forgives us and renews us. He who leads us also upholds us. How, then, shall we journey well? What does God want us to do with our days here?

Jesus said,

“Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal.” Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:27-29)

Did you hear that, friends with jobs that will never be done? Did you notice the way God both scolds and invites us in this passage? He does not call us to better, more, faster, higher, harder work as our culture does. How often I fall to this, and try to seek rest in those things that perish? Instead, God invites us to rest- rest given as a gift. He is at the head of the table, serving us the food that endures to eternal life. “Take and eat,” He says. Sit down.

Do this work, this holy work: believe in Him who God has sent.

Believe. Feed your faith, knowing that faith comes by hearing, and hearing the Word of God. Stop that horse, early and often, and feed on the words that give life. Let the God who serves do the serving. Let Christ our Leader direct your paths.

Receive: Will not He who gave you His own Son give you all things? He who poured out His blood for you will not withhold any good thing from His child's waiting hands.

Do not be deceived- this is work that He gives you. It is a battle against the world and your own flesh. You must fight for the time spent at His table. Do not let the things of this world squeeze you so tightly that you cannot open hands and mouth and heart and ears and receive from our God.

How do we journey well?
First, we cling to Jesus, we feed on His Word, we cling to life that is truly life. Then we break off pieces of what we receive to share with those around us.
Everything else-- the laundry, the dust bunnies, the homework assignments, the toned abs-- is just details.



Father,
Open our ears to Your Word and our hearts to Your love for us in Christ. Fill us Lord with your Spirit, with forgiveness and grace. Put your hand on the reins of our horses and guide us, ever keeping our eyes on You. Secure in Your love, let us then go forth with gratitude to attend to the details of loving our neighbor with the strength you provide. Amen.

"It is enough to get the love of God into your bones and to live as if you are forgiven. It is enough to care for each other, encourage each other, and wash the dishes." Chris Rice

This post is part 5 in a series on chaos and contentment- click below for the rest of the series.

Part 1

I will never feel caught up 

Part 2

Peck after peck after peck

Part 3

Mama Controller

Part 4

Whoa Nellie

Whoa Nellie (Chaos and Contentment #3)

As we continue our discussion on chaos and contentment, I want you to look down at your hands. See the reigns you hold there? You are driving this horse, mama.

I assume many of you share this job with your husband, and that in many ways he leads the family horse. If that is true of you, you are blessed. Yet even so, we wives do not have permission to let go of the reigns, to be passive and let our family life run without our leadership.

Mothers, keep your hands on those reigns. There are many things that require your attention, and yes, your control. And as with all responsibilities and gifts we are given, we are to use the authority we have for the good of our family.

This concept alone helps my husband and I work through many of the decisions we make for our family. When presented with an opportunity to be involved with this or that thing, we do not simply ask, “Is this good?” but we ask, “Is this activity good for the entire family?”

We have said no to some very good things simply to allow some time to breathe into our schedule. We say yes to other things only for a season. We think of other ways to allow our children to pursue their passions and develop their gifts. We ask “which gifts are worth developing?” As much as my son would like to learn knife-throwing, we’re pretty sure that’s not the talent he should focus on right now.

Sometimes, when they come home with that paperwork for that awesome thing that everyone else is doing and they already told their friends they were going, it may seem like mama has no choice but to say yes.

Again, I say, look down at your hands. Do not give up those reigns while they are young.

Ask good questions.

“Is it worth the time, money, commute?”

“If we do this will we sacrifice something else that is more important?”

“Do my children currently have time in their lives to breathe, to connect with family and friends, to learn basic chores and responsibilies, and to recover from everything else they are already doing?”

“Will this new activity tempt us to neglect time in God’s Word as a family?”

“Are mom and dad already spread too thin?”

And of course,

“Will this increase the chaos level so much that mom will fall off the horse entirely?”

Mothers, as you seek to navigate the chaos, I encourage you to be discerning with your “yes.” Use discernment every time something good comes along, because this life is not about sucking up every drop of every good thing everywhere at all times.

Now I’d like to hear from you- what questions do you ask when deciding whether or not to do a new “good” activity?

Do you currently feel overscheduled?

Is it hard for you to say “no” to good things?

Up next: Where are we leading this horse anyway?

photo credit distractify

Mama controller (chaos and contentment part 3)

Idleness is not what I seek when I work to feel “caught up.” If I had nothing at all on my schedule, I would put things there. We were made to use our hands and our gifts for others. But is it possible to do it without turning into an overwhelmed, angry, frantic crazy-mom?

What is it, exactly, that pushes us over the edge?

Well, it’s complicated. I’m sure you know this from trying to untangle your own heart.

I think the causes fall in two categories.

1. Exernal Struggles: Clutter, overscheduling, unruly kids, imperfect marriage, health problems, etc.

2. Internal Struggles: My attitude, focus, mental health, expectations, or sin

In other words

1. Things you might be able to control, or maybe not, but why not go down trying?

2. Things you cannot control without constant connection to God’s Word, His grace and help.

First we will discuss some things we might be able to control, or at least make a little bit better. There must be a way to minimize the cracker crumbs, and you’d think they could learn to stop falling off the chairs at the dinner table. Get yourselves under control, kids!

Control is at the heart of this, isn’t it? We don’t like when life spins out of control. We respond with anger, resentment, or (if it’s really bad) blank stares.

If only I were in control.

“God’s in control, not you. So chill out already.”

Right. But who is going to plan the meals? God’s control does not relieve us of the responsibilities of our calling as mothers. Mothers, it IS our job to control what we can in our homes! This is our vocation! We are called by God to plan the meals and the schedules and the appointments and LIFE for the good of the family!

So. “Chill out already” is not the answer.

Do you want to do this, and do it better?

I will not call you a control freak. I call you a mother.

(We will talk about the freakier parts of control in a later post.)

What sorts of things in your life right now are you trying to tweak or change for the good of your family and your own sanity?

I’d love to hear from you!

Father, bless us as we seek to manage our homes and our families for the good of those in our care. Guide our hands and strengthen our spirits as we seek to love our little neighbors. Amen

ors. Amen

This is part 3 in a series on Chaos and Contentment

Part 1

I will never feel caught up 

Part 2

Peck after peck after peck

Peck after peck after peck (chaos and contentment part 2 )

What would it take for you to “feel caught up?”
What is this elusive goal we chase after so hard?
I raised these questions in part 1 of this series.


I just want to feel “caught up.” I say this, feel this often, perhaps daily.
It’s a resonable request, isn’t it? I don’t need a perfect house or a completely empty schedule. I like busy, but not crazy busy. A schedule that is full, but not suffocating. I want a life that runs along at a pace that keeps me moving, entertained, and fufilled, but does not push me over into drained or exhausted.

Is this too much to ask?

What would it take for me to feel “caught up?” What does that even feel like?

I can tell you what it doesn’t feel like.
It doesn’t feel like trying to help a child with homework and then you can’t find a pencil and I know the bird is squawking so who forgot to feed the bird and - no, I said feed the BIRD… get your peanut butter cracker off your brother right now! and I know you want a drink but I have to help your sister with this math problem first but oh my WORD why can’t I find JUST ONE PENCIL in this house? No I don’t know where your kneepads are, no you can’t make cookies right now, YES please go outside but stay away from the road and don’t let the dog go to the school and you can eat the raspberries but don’t pick the tomatoes unless they’re red— oh forget it, just stay away from the garden— because I said so that’s why, YES, fine play in the hose I don’t really care if you get muddy, so now where were we daughter? A pencil! I could kiss you and I might after I finish this math problem; wait, you’ve got to be kidding me when did you start doing algebra? Why is the bird still squawking? Why can’t you all just be quiet so I can THINK!?

I could have gone on for five more pages, typing down the wild runonsentence that is my never-caught-up life, but I will stop there.

Someone, tell me you relate.

And when the loud cry of tasks undone surround like a flock of birds around prey,and the small irritations assault, peck after peck after peck… is anyone surprised when a mama explodes in yelling, flailing, and (perhaps) running for her life?

I do not always perceive a room full of children with needs in this way, but when I do? Suddenly everything is personal. Every mess, every need, every inconvenience is an attack on my sanity. Life out of control leads to emotions out of control, and that is when things get ugly. Again, do you relate?

It’s not always like that, of course. (How would we survive if it was?)
Sometimes, I’m merely on the edge of this and praying that someone falls asleep before I am pushed right over.

But sometimes- sometimes I feel caught up. Every now and then, I can sit in a chair next to unfolded laundry, ignoring the booger stains on the couch, and I can hold a child, start a book, make room for more children, read more of the book, and still feel…calm.

I am not frantic, not hurried, not wild to get it all done.
I sit even in imperfections, and I let them be imperfect.  The fingerprints can wait, and I refuse to let them rush me.

When I “feel caught up” there is space in my heart and my mind for interruptions.
A visitor is not an intruder.  A child’s injury is a chance to show compassion.
A need is not annoying but a God-given task which I respond to gladly, receiving His strength.

If there are problems too big for me, they are placed at the feet of Jesus through prayer.

I am not the glue that holds the world together.
I feel my own smallness, and accept it.
Like the world, I am created.

I see the bigger picture. I have been placed here by God who keeps my heart beating.  He made my small hands, made them to receive from Him, and to do the small jobs He puts in front of me.
He gives big gifts, pours out lavishly on me as I receive from Him moment by moment.

I receive the moment that flows over me with gratitude.
I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing.
I am content.

—
Feeling caught up.
What is this thing that I chase after so hard?
Feelings- blown here and there by circumstances, weather, hormones— feelings cannot be bottled and kept, nor it is worthwhile to chase them.

But contentment-
An open heart and open lap,
Eager hands,
A body happy to serve, or rest, or play, as the Lord wills,
This is worth pursuing, with the help of God.



Come back soon, as we continue to think together on these things.
Meanwhile, tell me: How would you describe your struggle with contentment?
How do you feel/behave when you are NOT content?

This is part 2 of a series on "chaos and contentment"
Part 1: I'll never be caught up

I will never feel caught up (chaos and contentment part 1)

That’s it.

It’s settled.

I will never, ever be caught up.

Never, until I’m dead.

So I might as well just quit.

I huff, plop down in the recliner, and open a novel.  I am a mama in rebellion.

But I know I won’t quit forever, and I know that my momentary “quitting” will simply create more work for me later.

Why is it so hard to find balance?

I know how to drop the list from time to time, to seize a moment, to notice and give thanks.

And I know how to barrel through and get stuff done.

But-- perhaps this is the next level of the game--- I do NOT know how to get stuff done when it is only SOME of the stuff, and when they help me do the stuff, or when they talk constantly while we are all supposed to be doing stuff.   

How does one balance listening and loving and efficiency?

I am not afraid of work.  

But sometimes I am afraid of who I become when I work. I’m not sure how to try to get stuff done without turning into the lunatic who wants everything done right this second.

A hard working worker pushing hard after task completion is a dangerous person.

It’s not that I need an immaculate house. I just want to feel caught up.  

And so often I feel like all things and all little people in the world are conspiring against me!

I want to “feel caught up.”

What does that even mean?

What would it take for you to “feel caught up?”

What is this elusive goal we chase after so hard?

Please share your thoughts.
More posts on tihs topic coming soon.

Lost

Lost.

(Five minute Friday- where we write like we used to run- for the joy of it. No editing.  Inspired by Lisajobaker)


I'm getting my bearings again, and it's not just summer's lack of routine that has me unsettled.   It's the reorganizing of my brain that happens in the midst of it, the questioning of who I am and what am I really supposed to be doing here?

Sitting under a child I am where I should be, unless I should be sitting next to that other child, or the neighbor, or doing the laundry, or finishing that 4h project, or writing, or studying, or making them turn off the TV and get outside for heavens' sake!

My speed is too slow for me- one thing at a time is not enough when there are so many things. And even while I do the things I feel the need to pull away from the things so I can assess the things and try to figure out which ones I should even be doing! But when can I find the time for that, when the cat has fleas and I can't even find her, and now I have ten extra loads of laundry?

I'd like to hide in a novel, and sometimes I do.  I emerge from that story as if it were a vacation, but always I return to the chaos and the feeling of being lost in the middle of it.

I try to write something but my brain is so scattered I have no idea where to begin.  Just a feeling of flailing.

But my fingers itch to write something, anything, despite the muddled brain.
Perhaps some words poured on the keyboard will help untangle and un-muddle. I stare at the blank page and find I need a writing prompt- and the word from Lisa Jo this week is perfect: Lost.

How does the gospel affect my to-do list? I've asked this question before, and tried to answer, but it's in the living out of the answer where everything gets tangled.

I've written longer than five minutes now, but I am writing now for the joy of it, for the clarity of it, and I cannot stop until I get somewhere a little more solid.

I miss my days as a student, when my to-do list was made for me by professors.  It was challenging, but it was clear, and doable. Now I feel like I stand in a field with no markers, in this broad expanse where I am a mother and a wife and a friend and I could go any and every way in those vocations. And I don't know where to start.

I am loved fully by God in Christ. There is no need to figure this out to earn his favor or secure my future, for my future is secure in His love. I live in freedom, and I am free to love as the wind blows.

Freedom - exhilarating and terrifying. What do I do first?  I sit in the middle of the field with my coffee and my Bible and my possibilities all spread out in the grass around me. What next, Lord?

I do not have the luxury of waiting in silence for an answer.  Here comes the child with sticky fingers, tromping through my piles, begging for a glass of milk.

I'll get him the milk, but what then, what next?  God does not answer from the sky.

Of course, he is not merely a God in the sky, but a God with me in the kitchen and in the vast expanse of my unclear vocation. He's not lost, and He knows just where I am.

I suppose, if one must feel lost, this is the place to be:

Feeling lost in the little things, but in all things that matter, found.

balance, or something

I'm trying to catch my breath right now

First, because I have rodent heebie-jeebies. My cats were fighting over a dead mouse in the kitchen. I didn't want them to eat it because I was sure it was a victim of the Decon I'd set out last week, so I smacked it out of kitty's mouth with a broom. The thing is, it wasn't dead.  But I had it, wiggling, under my broom. And everyone's sleeping. And I just wanted to get to my computer and write... finally... for the first time in forever...

But this mouse.
It all worked out, and he won't be back.

Now, to catch my breath. It's just my laptop and me, FINALLY, after days of longing glances and so many urgent needs everywhere getting between us.  I'd climb any mountain, swim across the ocean, and dispose of any rodent...

Ok, enough. I'm happy to be here. It's been awhile.

I'm trying to catch my breath.
The pace of life has been insane lately, and my reason for blog silence.

My quiet moments have been filled with study lately. I'm leading group discussions on two wonderful books right now (Broken and Gospel Motivation.)  These are challenging books, but rich food for the soul.

I'm also participating in a group called A Balanced Life, which is a group that meets to encourage both physical health and spiritual health. I do the devotion portion of this group.  And it's almost funny that I am teaching on this topic, when I've taken the sticky note that said "prepare for A Balanced Life" on my to-do list and moved it to "tomorrow" so many times.

How can there be balance amidst such chaos?

That is a good question indeed.

My husband is keeping crazy hours, being a pastor AND going back to school to get his PHD.  This place suddenly reminds me of college life again- there are piles of books everywhere, and I have to make sure he has enough Pepsi fuel stocked.  But in college he wasn't also daddy, and I didn't say things like "If you're not going to sleep, at least take your vitamins for goodness' sake!"

We just got through spring "break," which was neither spring nor a break.

And oh, the children. Sometimes they are sweet little chicks and I just sit and delight in their sweet little peeping laughter.

And those other times?  They're like hornets, mad hornets, and they sting each other and then everyone's crying and they look to me for comfort and I'd rather just swat them all. But no, I must teach the hornets, discipline them and love them, each in the way that they need, because some are born with sensitive skin and others are born with thick heavy armor.  And the armored ones have soft places and the soft ones have crusty spots, and I'm amazed at the way their little stingers can hurt even a mommy heart.

home, sweet home

What do they need?
There is always something.

And also, what can I give?
(My dear husband gently reminds me that I should ask this question, too.)
What can I give?
Not all things.
I am not God.

So I go to God with the welts and questions, seeking help and healing and balance.

He gives me Jesus.
It is enough.

Jesus, with his wild grace, forgiving sins and using sinners to do good in this broken, mouse-infested place.

Jesus in this place where everything is fragile.

Aggie scared me last week.

She had the dark circles under her eyes and wanted to sleep.  When we woke her for dinner, she was scared. Of the noodles. On her plate. "They're creepy! I can't eat, it's too scary!"  She was completely terrified.

What was this episode?  Hallucination? Could she have been stuck in her dream?
I stared at her head.
I gave her milk and snuggles.
And I called the doctor.

I was back there, right back in that place. I know she's not mine, God, but please not now, not that.

It's been several days.  Doctors are not concerned, and she seems fine. Tonight she would not stop talking, not unless she was singing at the TOP OF HER LUNGS.  I love the way she sings, especially in church when she knows the hymn. I can't help but stop singing and listen to her sweet voice, and let it sing hope and faith down deeper and deeper into my heart, as it is in hers.

This will not last forever.
This pace, this chaos.
This everything.

How, then, shall we live?
How do we order our days?

I'm not sure a balanced life is possible, not if "balance" means having and keeping all things in order, in one's life and one's heart, so that all emotions are smoothed away, and there is no stress or worry or anxiety.

But I consider these verse from Jeremiah 17:

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Like a tree planted by the water-

God has planted us, and He is our stream; He is that living water welling up into eternal life.

By grace we have been saved, by grace we have been planted.   By grace our trunks grow strong, grounded in the love of God, fed by His Word.

My branches get tired in the battering wind, and they are sore from the little people climbing and plucking my fruit.

But God is my stability, and He grows my roots down deep into Him.

My branches are weary, but the weariness just reminds me of my need, my desperate need to drink
deeply of the love of God in Christ, to fill myself with His Word.


How then shall we live?
What does it look like to be a child of God, rooted and secure, and yet tossed about by the demands of life?

In tihs house, today, it looks like considering April Fools jokes to do to the kids, and googling "strep throat symptoms."  It looks like reading our favorite Elephant and Piggie books, and fishing rocks out of the baby's mouth. It's dancing in carline and cutting cheese and apples and one more cup of coffee.

It's ignoring, for just a little longer, those five loads of laundry that need to be put away, so that I can finally finish a blog post.  It's drinking, sipping, gulping, all day long, from the well that cannot run dry.

My outdoor Christmas lights are still up, and the shoes on our front porch are muliplying like rabbits, but Jesus is here.

It is well with my soul.

Plus, the big kids will be home soon and I'll make them clean it up.

That, or we'll just go to the park.

Maybe we'll find some balance on the balance beam. 

Har har.

photo credit

wasps- knockoutpest.com

I dare you to live the mess

I don’t know how I am. Or “how was my day.”

And when he came home and asked, it went like this:

“How was your morning?”

Long silence. “We’re making it.”

“Who’s being bad? Is it the younger two?”

“It’s not as simple as that. Just… forget it.”  

He’s busy anyways, much too busy for all that’s in my head.  Or he's not, but I am.  Before I can figure it out, someone needs something again, so yes, just forget it.

I woke up ready to fill love-tanks.  Call it mommy-guilt or inspiration- perhaps both- whatever it was, after reading the Five Love Languages of Children, I started the day ready to apply what I’d read.  

Children, get your morning jobs done quickly, because today we’re going to have some “Mommy Time!” (cheers, applause)

20 minutes, and you get to choose the activity.  The little ones go first. Let the fun begin.

I was richly rewarded, with appreciation, and those most precious glimpses inside their little hearts.  

Eldon is GETTING IT with the puzzle game, and I never would have guessed that he’d get it! And Peter loves to craft-- how funny for this boy, the youngest of our boys. He is “NOT a girly girl. I’m a boy-y boy.”   but I got to see his artistic side!  And Marcus with his jokes- he’s so witty, and I love how he loves to make me laugh.

“Do you know that your mama loves you?” I said to each one. And each one rolled his eyes and said “Yes Mom, you always tell me that.”

And yet despite these bright spots, the whole morning also feels like a complete failure. Because I had to lean on the older three to help with the little ones who weren’t having their mommy time. And the little ones kept interrupting, and it was so, SO frustrating.  And my frustration made them seem even needier, and I wonder, did I just dump out their love-tanks after trying to fill them?

They come to me with complaints, tattles, legitimate problems.  Many children means many conflicts.  Teaching opportunities. But which lesson?  I listen, encourage sharing, give consequences for hitting, discuss anger management, turn-taking, and line-waiting, nose-picking, animal-pestering, shoe-throwing, book-ripping... until I run out of words, and I send them away to “work it out.”  As if they can solve conflicts when mama can’t.

And my body is or isn’t reacting well to the food I’m eating, or not eating,  but who has time to pay attention and research?  And when can I fit in that workout?

And I’m in tears before naptime.

I just need… a break, which they don’t give to me. And some of them understand, and they know that if they wait for me I will be happy and patient again, eventually.  But one, he seems to take it personally.  “Can I help you mama?” he says, but helping kids “help” me is not something I can handle right now, so I say, “Not the kind of help you can give me dear. I just need….”  and I pause, because I really, truly do not know what I need. And he whispers, “for me to go away.”  And my heart breaks, and I hug him, and I give myself a time out in the bathtub.  

8 hours until bedtime. How will we make it?

Suddenly, a crisis: “Mama, the cover to the sandbox is in the ROAD!” I dress quickly, and go out in the wind and snow to fetch it, and the sunshine hits me like a smack to the face.  And I say something ridiculous: “Kids, it’s too nice out to nap. Let’s build some snowmen.”  I don’t know how to teach you to resolve conflicts or manage your anger, but this, I can do.

They probably think I’ve lost it, and perhaps I have, or I will, but the snowmen turn out pretty sweet, and for a moment, that’s all that matters.

and I echo this author

I'm just saying -- it's a hell of a hard thing to explain -- an entire day with lots of babies.

It's a hard thing to explain, this bouncing from one mess to another, from good to horrible to both at once.

Perhaps I'm not called to make sense of it,
or to tame it,
but simply to live.

Live the mess.

So, tell me, fellow mamas... how was your day?

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This is the fourth post in this month's series: 

Grow Backward with Me

Will you (re)learn how to be a child with me?

I double-dog dare you.

The entire article is worth a read: 

The Questions that will save your relationships

See also:

Mommy time

the queue