Weak and Loved: balance, or something

I'm trying to catch my breath right now

First, because I have rodent heebie-jeebies. My cats were fighting over a dead mouse in the kitchen. I didn't want them to eat it because I was sure it was a victim of the Decon I'd set out last week, so I smacked it out of kitty's mouth with a broom. The thing is, it wasn't dead. But I had it, wiggling, under my broom. And everyone's sleeping. And I just wanted to get to my computer and write... finally... for the first time in forever...

But this mouse.
It all worked out, and he won't be back.

Now, to catch my breath. It's just my laptop and me, FINALLY, after days of longing glances and so many urgent needs everywhere getting between us. I'd climb any mountain, swim across the ocean, and dispose of any rodent...

Ok, enough. I'm happy to be here. It's been awhile.

I'm trying to catch my breath.
The pace of life has been insane lately, and my reason for blog silence.

My quiet moments have been filled with study lately. I'm leading group discussions on two wonderful books right now (Broken and Gospel Motivation.) These are challenging books, but rich food for the soul.

I'm also participating in a group called A Balanced Life, which is a group that meets to encourage both physical health and spiritual health. I do the devotion portion of this group. And it's almost funny that I am teaching on this topic, when I've taken the sticky note that said "prepare for A Balanced Life" on my to-do list and moved it to "tomorrow" so many times.

How can there be balance amidst such chaos?

That is a good question indeed.

My husband is keeping crazy hours, being a pastor AND going back to school to get his PHD. This place suddenly reminds me of college life again- there are piles of books everywhere, and I have to make sure he has enough Pepsi fuel stocked. But in college he wasn't also daddy, and I didn't say things like "If you're not going to sleep, at least take your vitamins for goodness' sake!"

We just got through spring "break," which was neither spring nor a break.

And oh, the children. Sometimes they are sweet little chicks and I just sit and delight in their sweet little peeping laughter.

And those other times? They're like hornets, mad hornets, and they sting each other and then everyone's crying and they look to me for comfort and I'd rather just swat them all. But no, I must teach the hornets, discipline them and love them, each in the way that they need, because some are born with sensitive skin and others are born with thick heavy armor. And the armored ones have soft places and the soft ones have crusty spots, and I'm amazed at the way their little stingers can hurt even a mommy heart.

home, sweet home

What do they need?
There is always something.

And also, what can I give?
(My dear husband gently reminds me that I should ask this question, too.)
What can I give?
Not all things.
I am not God.

So I go to God with the welts and questions, seeking help and healing and balance.

He gives me Jesus.
It is enough.

Jesus, with his wild grace, forgiving sins and using sinners to do good in this broken, mouse-infested place.

Jesus in this place where everything is fragile.

Aggie scared me last week.

She had the dark circles under her eyes and wanted to sleep. When we woke her for dinner, she was scared. Of the noodles. On her plate. "They're creepy! I can't eat, it's too scary!" She was completely terrified.

What was this episode? Hallucination? Could she have been stuck in her dream?
I stared at her head.
I gave her milk and snuggles.
And I called the doctor.

I was back there, right back in that place. I know she's not mine, God, but please not now, not that.

It's been several days. Doctors are not concerned, and she seems fine. Tonight she would not stop talking, not unless she was singing at the TOP OF HER LUNGS. I love the way she sings, especially in church when she knows the hymn. I can't help but stop singing and listen to her sweet voice, and let it sing hope and faith down deeper and deeper into my heart, as it is in hers.

This will not last forever.
This pace, this chaos.
This everything.

How, then, shall we live?
How do we order our days?

I'm not sure a balanced life is possible, not if "balance" means having and keeping all things in order, in one's life and one's heart, so that all emotions are smoothed away, and there is no stress or worry or anxiety.

But I consider these verse from Jeremiah 17:

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Like a tree planted by the water-

God has planted us, and He is our stream; He is that living water welling up into eternal life.

By grace we have been saved, by grace we have been planted. By grace our trunks grow strong, grounded in the love of God, fed by His Word.

My branches get tired in the battering wind, and they are sore from the little people climbing and plucking my fruit.

But God is my stability, and He grows my roots down deep into Him.

My branches are weary, but the weariness just reminds me of my need, my desperate need to drink
deeply of the love of God in Christ, to fill myself with His Word.

How then shall we live?
What does it look like to be a child of God, rooted and secure, and yet tossed about by the demands of life?

In tihs house, today, it looks like considering April Fools jokes to do to the kids, and googling "strep throat symptoms." It looks like reading our favorite Elephant and Piggie books, and fishing rocks out of the baby's mouth. It's dancing in carline and cutting cheese and apples and one more cup of coffee.

It's ignoring, for just a little longer, those five loads of laundry that need to be put away, so that I can finally finish a blog post. It's drinking, sipping, gulping, all day long, from the well that cannot run dry.

My outdoor Christmas lights are still up, and the shoes on our front porch are muliplying like rabbits, but Jesus is here.