on preparation, and smirking

 If there’s a left turn coming, I want to be in the left lane as early as possible. 

Some of my kids mirror this- one teases me and purposely stresses me out when he drives. He coaches me like an amateur therapist, talks me through it like I have irrational anxiety, like it’s good for me to practice sitting in discomfort and learning that I’m still ok. (I do, and it is.)

My husband also has this certain face when he knows I’m spinning my wheels, and I saw it at the dinner table this week when we were talking about moving details. It’s like he knows when the drive to “get ahead of it” or “be prepared” doesn’t really matter and it’s not possible and yet I chase it anyways.  He just knows when I'm being driven by a fear motor, and he won’t get on the train with me. He stays steady on the ground with a slightly amused expression and lets me tire myself out.

(If I see him smirking at this stage I might cry, so he holds his face carefully.)

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This summer I shared a canoe with my daughter, one who also likes to be in the right lane ahead of time.  It was pretty stressful for us, especially because we didn’t know what turns were coming, and never once would the current let us “get ahead of it” or “be prepared” early.

And there was my husband, having a good ‘ol time, and smirking at the way the river kept harassing our desire to be in control.

We relaxed eventually. It helped me to put words to the fear, and then notice that the water really wasn’t very deep, and even if we were in the wrong “lane” it would probably be ok. We hit a few logs, terrified some wood ducks, and we watched a couple other people flip over, and everybody was still ok.

The river, whenever it did fork, never warned us. 

And yet it was usually just a gentle placement of the oar, at the right time,  that was needed for us to follow.

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Today, I am trying to just breathe, just live right here in the part of the river where I am. Up ahead are a thousand decisions to make, bends in the river to navigate, even forks where we must choose. But none of them can be navigated ahead of time. I can only breathe and show up for this one Friday. 

and look around while I’m here.