During chapel at Ft Wayne this week,
I looked in the back pew and saw 2008 me,
on call night, all wide-eyed and nervous,
saying “please please God send us to Michigan, not far from my parents”
Sitting through a loooong service, with music and loud singing and anticipation
and my “please God please God please God” was louder in my ears than anything
And they finally called him up to the front with The Call:
“Joshua Cook… Columbus Indiana”
The Pew lurched and I grabbed hold of my friend “that’s Northern Indiana, right?”
She smiled a little and whispered “No.”
And my stomach sank to my feet and I tried not to cry
and there was so much I didn’t know.
I didn’t know some of our new forever-family had driven all the way here,
and was waiting to greet us after the service with warmth and details
I didn’t know that I’d love it there, be flattened by trials there,
learn how to be “weak and loved” there,
and experience what it meant to “be church,” there.
I didn’t know we wouldn’t get to stay there,
that my rollercoaster car would turn and lurch a few more times in the decades to come.
The rollercoaster has circled back around to the campus of Ft Wayne for symposia week. The little car stayed still for a moment with just the 2 of us inside, and we joined the others in the pews, making time to breathe, sing, and pray.
and I realize i’m still that girl,
who just wants to be close to my parents,
and all the comfortable things I know.
and God is still God,
who is giving me a life that is harder and richer
than I ever could have orchestrated for myself.
I’m learning to notice when I’m gripping too hard, a little sooner
and to laugh at myself a little more quickly
and to hear the music playing in the midst of everything.
I’m showing up for the remodeling project today,
trying to fight less,
to trust the grace I’ve seen in the face of Christ:
He is making room for more.
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