Weak and Loved: August 2023

Thursday, August 31, 2023

sitting in discomfort

“I was to sit quietly when in doubt” (Bill’s story, AA Big book p 13)

Sitting in discomfort, allowing what is imperfect right now to just BE has been one of the most difficult and most important skills I have had to learn in recovery.

How often did I reach for the food to stuff down an annoying emotion, to comfort myself over a situation I couldn’t control, to distract myself from a hard situation? Food did not fix it. Not even one time. And yet it took me so long (YEARS) to really learn and believe and act on this truth.
FOOD WILL NOT FIX IT.

Life is full of hard situations, discomfort, pain, uncertainty. These have not gone away in recovery. Yet, I am learning to STAY PRESENT in them, to be still and know that I am NOT God.

Can it really be ok if I am not God, if I am not in control, if I have to feel the way I feel right now, if life is as messy and broken as it seems at this moment? It can be, if He is with me; If he is making all things new, as Jesus said (Rev 21:5)

Here are some of my anchoring quotes for those (many!) moments that I still wrestle with discomfort.
-It takes the time it takes
-you have permission to do one thing at a time
-into your hands i commend myself
-God is enough
-Be still and know that He is God
-Notice what is happening. Make space for it. Invite Jesus in.

- “there is a boundaryless generosity pouring itself out in the intimate immediacy of this very moment.” (J Finley)

-”the infinite presence of God is presencing itself, pouring itself out, giving itself away whole and complete, in and as the gift and the miracle of our very presence, the gift and the miracle of others, the gift and the miracle of all things.”

“only save me from myself. save me from my own private, poisonous urge to change everything, to unsettle everything you have ordained. Let me rest in your will and be silent.” (Thomas Merton)

Sunday, August 13, 2023

threads

I didn’t know I had a rope tied around her ankle, but I’ve cut it now.

(Or perhaps it’s been cut by hands stronger than mine)

And those handcuffs, how did they get there?

I have a whole box of them,

they dispense easily like tissues and I find myself putting them on my children,

snapping them in place, pulling them close to me

as if they could hold against the season of letting go,

They are dollar store handcuffs;

they don’t really hold.

I see her break them, and I consent.

But wait, there’s more!

Under the rope and the handcuffs

and the grasping control and the desperate attachment,

there’s more;

fine threads,

fragile little connections between mother and daughter

millions of them, like spiderwebs

they’re shaped like boxes of keepsakes,

writer-downers,

trips to Narnia together,

and deep mutual desires for the other to be well and safe and happy

See, Lord, these threads, do they get to stay attached even now?

He smiles, points to others attached to me

and I see long, older threads from my own heart,

going back to my own mom

and dad and sister,

Michigan roots

unbroken, still coursing with life and love

These are not strong enough to grab control

these fine strands of heart connection

They are resilient;

they span distance and time;

bridges extending without breaking

Lord, see this joyful stretching ache

and be near us as you expand and grow our lives;

as you rearrange and intertwine our loves;

according to your will.

Friday, August 11, 2023

The Challenge (Letting go)

Last week, I was flooded with visceral memories of pregnancy and baby days; the tight belly, the pain, the soft skin, the closeness … I treasure those memories; there is so much gratitude in them now; and yet I am shocked to say there is NOT a desperate longing to go back.

Why? How could it have melted away when once it was all I could feel? Could it have been the slow sunshine of gifts in the next season? Gifts of new flavors and colors that simply couldn’t fit in a life with preschoolers… It turns out, downstream of that season, there was more God and more grace and more facets of the diamond, an expansion of life and love; wider and deeper faithfulness of God; just MORE of all of it.

But I remember standing on the boat just as it pulled away from the bank; oh how I longed to stay; I lingered in my heart; I left claw marks on that shore, I could hardly believe that there was anything better downstream when there was so much good THERE.

What if I don't have to do it quite like that again?

Now we’re shoving off from the next shore.. or rather she’s shoving off from our shore; and there are things to grieve, but maybe I can grieve without fighting so much; maybe I can give tearful thanks with tenderness and surrender, and also look forward with hope.

This is the challenge- can you believe? Can you dare to trust that God--

who has given and taken away and given more

who has kept you in the storms and always provided manna

--can you dare to trust that letting go- to Him -is safe?

that He will provide for your empty hands in ways you cannot foresee

that going with Him downstream- so long as He Himself is present-

will be deeper and wider and richer in all the ways that matter?

Can you let sweet chapters come to an end, and still move forward in faith,

further up and further in?

Wednesday, August 2, 2023

Interview with Starting out Bright

My body and I aren't fighting any more.

It's been a real knock-down drag-out fight, for years. In this interview, I share my story of grief and hope and recovery, and how the words "food addiction" were at once an irritating insult, a grievous diagnosis, and a giant arrow pointing to peace and healing.

God has worked in me what I could not do for myself.

Interview on Youtube

3 question Thursday

Interview on Podbean