2023 "Refuse to be dead"

“Refuse to be dead.”

2023 begins with this resolve. Refuse deadness, numbness, even if it seems easier… Living awake is harder, but better; awake to the sharp edges of life, to the fast pouring of sand through the hourglass, to the reality that we cannot possibly gather up in our hands or hold on to any of this; awake to the gifts and the griefs and all that is real in this moment. 

Open hands, alive heart, eyes up. 

Noticing all that comes, welcoming it all, and inviting Jesus alongside.

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2022

My surest no

It has been a gradual process over this year, but my “no” to addictive food and drink has solidified into a sure and certain no, a forever no. Though it seemed tragic and impossible to set those things down initially, in doing so I have found more freedom, peace, health, and life than I ever thought possible.

Turns out, this one little “no” has opened up an entire world of “yes” for me. I lost 50 lbs and am completely free of symptoms from my thyroid disorder.  I am sane and sober around food; I feel free to choose what is good for me and free to say no to what harms me. Even more miraculous (to me!) I am learning how to live awake and in the present, how to embrace intense joy and raw pain and hold the hand ofJesus through all of it.

My favorite yesses

“Is this pace even sustainable?” I’ve asked this question for years. But this year,  I really felt the wheels falling off the cart, and heard the answer to my constant question as a clear and resounding NO, no it is not.

Something shifted in me in 2022. 

For the first time in my life, I took a personal retreat. Just me and my thoughts and Jesus, alone in the quiet. I stepped out of the hustle and sought stillness instead.  And God shifted something in me.  He gently called me out of the hustle, and He is teaching me how to rest. 

Rest is a living journey, a relationship with Jesus into our most vulnerable places. 

(Bonnie Gray Spiritual Whitespace)

Jesus is showing up there, in all my vulnerable places, right where it hurts. Stress, pain, grief, fear; all of those unpleasant emotions used to be a call for me to run to busy work or stuff them down with food. But why would I do that anymore, when those are the very places the Lord wants to meet me with his grace?

This year, by the grace of God, my soul is shifting from “quick, do all the things, move faster, get it done” to a more balanced rhythm of “rest, work, play, rest, work, play.”

In 2022 I learned to say yes to rest.

That included a yes to my very own motorcycle, yes to a dance workout class, yes to exuberance and yes to naps when I need them, yes to connection with my dear husband, yes to boundaries around things “productive,” yes to learning what feeds my own soul.

Because He lives:  “Life in Christ Jesus” is human life as it has not been since Adam, life to the hilt, life to be lived to the full, the feast of God with no death’s head at the feast, no sword suspended over the feaster’s head, no moving finger suddenly writing doom upon the wall. Life is no longer merely death deferred; this is life that breathes the fresh eternal air which rushes into the vacuum left by the destruction of death. (Franzman, Alive in the Spirit)

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In 2022, what was your favorite yes?
What was your surest no?

These questions posed by Emily P Freeman are worth pondering- I’d love to hear your thoughts!