still

 Be still, He says, and I nod, agree, and walk faster

it just feels better to keep moving

to jump from one accomplishment to the next, strength tostrength tostrength

running, outrunning it all or at least movingforward fastforward

Pause. Stop. 

Sit in quiet, in shocking, unsettling stillness

stillness like a straight jacket

and feel crawling restlessness in my arms and legs

a heart grasping about for something i should be 

doing-cleaning-improving-planning

a soul, flailing around, unsettled, in empty space

off balance with no direction to point, no goal to race towards

What, am I supposed to just stand here?

Where do I put my hands when they are not busy? 

a restless shuffling of feet, adjusting clothing, fiddling with hair

i’d rather be a speedboat going somewhere (anywhere)

than a buoy, just floating here

passive, moved and unmoving, anchored but not driving

i try to imagine myself, 

tethered and still, 

just bobbing 

in 

one 

place

Can I close my eyes and just BE for five minutes?

without managing, moving, analyzing something, without holding a steering wheel? 

all the speedboats around me and in my brain vie for my attention 

i don’t know where to look, how to look away for a minute

to close my eyes and simply be SMALL

to feel the depths that go unnoticed at the surface

can i keep my hands at my sides, or, even better, FOLDED

for just a moment?

still?

in

one 

place

I hear my heartbeat

feel my breaths

they come unbidden

like the waves

Settle me down, Lord.

Still me, 

and I 

will 

be 

still.