Guest Post: Weak, Loved, and Healing

Meet Angie, my timid writer friend.

I hope you enjoy her first post!
----------------------------

Weak, Loved, and Healing

by Angie Durnil

I don’t always take the opportunity to read as much as I did before my children came along.  However, in the last year, I have read more books than in the past 5 years put together.  Why you ask?  I was searching for answers, so I made time for myself to read.

I work full time.  I am a full time mom.  Approximately 50% of the time, I am solely responsible for our household.  My husband travels, sometimes without much notice and usually is gone for a week at a time.  This leaves me in charge of the girls and all of their activities, homework, the household, the finances, the animals, the yard work, etc.  You get the picture.  Now, I am not saying that I do any of this particularly well, especially the cooking, but it does get done.  Ok, most of it anyway.

Crumbling

In this last year or so, I had to make decisions when our youngest daughter kept getting sick and the doctor’s didn’t know why.  I worked the finances between expense checks and pay checks and paid things on time.  I was doing all kinds of things around me, except for taking time for me.  I wasn’t strong in advocating for myself and taking care of myself.  In fact, I was quite weak and started to crumble.  I was only fooling myself into thinking I was strong.  I didn’t take care of my needs, my feelings, my health – mentally or physically.  My migraines were getting worse and my blood pressure kept going up.

It was a tough year on top of all the other things already described.  I found myself one day, very depressed.  Just sitting there… in this pit… this hole… this mire of pity and loneliness, sadness,  contempt, and rage,  even though there were family and friends around me offering to help if I needed it.  I found myself wondering, How did I get this far in this hole?  How did it get this bad?  What can I do to get out of this place?  I had bouts of depression before, but nothing this severe.

What to do?

I was desperate for answers.  I had convinced myself that I was praying ALL wrong; that I was saying the wrong words, imposing my will on His and He wasn’t hearing me.  I would pray at night for hours in lieu of sleep, trying to get the right words out, only to fall in a heap of tears and desperation when I was sure I was failing at that too.  

I reached out for help, finally.  I was told to think about all the things I was doing and saying.  I wasn’t praying wrong, not really, I just wasn’t trusting God with the burdens I was carrying.  I was sure that I could do it better; after all, I was strong enough to do these other things.  If I could just get him to do this, and her to do that… I knew the answers, right?  Wrong!!!  I was already praying for all of the things going on around me, but I realized, I wasn’t praying for me.  I wanted everyone else to stop what they were doing wrong and that’s what I prayed for.  Those things overwhelmed me, and I so wanted and needed to be out this pit, but I wasn’t praying for it.  I was praying for the things around me to stop; or that I could change it; or that He would just tell me what to do; because I needed to DO something!

The very first book I read showed me the errors in my thinking.  I don’t need to DO anything, other than pray and trust that the Lord will prevail.  And He always does.  I don’t need to be strong for me.  I need to be weak.  I need to be like a beggar in my prayers.  I need to wholly trust that God will guide me, that He will put the lamp to my feet and guide my path.  I need to be patient and pray unceasingly.  And it is ok to be weak, because the Lord is strong just as he told Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  He will be my strength for me!  He hears my cries for mercy and He is near!

Weak, Loved, and Healing

 God loves me, wholly and completely.  He sent His Son to die for my sins!  He loves me even though I am weak and impatient.   I continue to pray and some things are better.  Some things haven’t changed.   My spirit is slowly lifting and I can feel the warmth of the sunshine again surround me like a warm blanket in the middle of winter.

 Although I cannot say my journey of reading and making some time for myself has cured me of my depression, it has helped me, along with prayer, medication and reaching out to others.  After all, now I know that it is ok to be WEAK in the eyes of God, because He LOVES me.

-----------------

Take a minute to encourage my dear friend with a comment, 

would you please?

Angie,
It is such a joy to see God's work in you!
May He wrap you in the warm comfort of His solid love for you.
Emily