on bracing for impact

They were out on the boat and the wind shifted; the waves were suddenly threatening

Yikes! Pack in the tube, drop off the littles, and drive the half hour back into the harbor for safety.

But I hadn’t had my boat ride yet. So in a wild impulse, I asked to get on. 

Just climbing on the boat was wild in those huge waves; that should have been my clue.

But, fun, and risk, and a day in the sunshine on Lake Michigan with my people!

My heart wants to plunge in, embrace every second of it. 

It was rougher than I thought it would be. I kept looking at his face-

Are we good?
You got this?
Is this real danger or am I just scared? 

I stood so I could see the waves coming, bend my knees and balance with them. I’m always more comfortable that way; with this tiny illusion of control.

The waves were big enough that the jets came out of the water several times; the entire boat came out of the water more than once. The impact after a wave like that sometimes felt like the boat would crack in half. 

I look at his face- are we good? He’s not smirking, or laughing at my fear this time. 

He’s concentrating too hard for that. 

My death grip got shaky and I realized I was wearing myself out. 

You signed up for this!

But I didn't know how scary it would be!

Look at you there- fighting the waves- who is that helping?

Is there really another option?

Just to experiment, I unclenched. And the boat didn’t fall apart. 

I unclenched, and didn’t fly off. 

I unclenched, and nobody died. 

Nobody even noticed. 

The waves just kept waving as they were before;

The boat kept making wild steady progress just as before.
I think I felt Jesus and Josh smirking at me, a little. 

I unclenched, and found myself free to look around a little.
To notice how the yahoos in the front were laughing; one was even holding his hands in the air like he was on a roller coaster. (Show off!)

To marvel at my husband’s skill in maneuvering the boat (and his curly hair)

to imagine the predictive calculations his brain and body were making every minute

to thank God he has a brain like that (plus steady nerves)

and even, a few times, to lean IN to the waves instead of fighting

to jump with tentative approval when the boat jumped

to laugh.

I unclenched, 

released my fake control,

and found myself free.