Seth-
Remember when you used to be my shopping buddy? You were always organizing my cart, following me around so I could shop like a queen, hand you my things, and trust you to file them neatly. Sometimes I’d feel snarky and chuck something wantonly in the cart, just to trigger your lecture about categories and order and efficiency. Then I’d watch you indignantly unload the groceries on the belt, in all decency and order. At home, you’d command your brothers to unload alongside you, supervise putting away, and ensure a satisfying conclusion to the operation. And I’d say something small like, “Thanks for the help.”
Meanwhile, in my soul, I was really learning to see you, to marvel, and to stop fighting who you are by asking you to read fairytales with me or dance in my kitchen. God was teaching me a new dance, one that went more like, “Wow, look at you, learning to embrace the person God made you to be.”
Sometimes you’d go too far, give orders too harshly, or threaten to beat the brother that didn’t cooperate. And sometimes I’d yellingly cancel all the efforts towards growth for everyone, “Stop fighting and just go to your rooms!” We’ve both had to grow so much over these years, and growing is a loud, messy process.
Remember that time we were fighting about physics but it wasn’t really about physics, and I got teary? And you stayed calm and said, “I love you mom; I probably don't say that enough.” The universe shifted for me in that moment. Since then, you’ve had to handle more of my tears than any of your siblings, especially during our emergency trip to Michigan when Bump was sick; I’ll never forget your solid, loving presence in those days.
Speaking of tears, I cried the other day because you brought the trash up to the house without being asked. This is getting out of hand! But Your launch day is so close, your engines are revving-- they’ve been revving for years-- and every moment before the flag drops is precious to me.
I keep thinking of Mary and how she must just really get it, this ache I feel around my sons. Watching Jesus pour out like that; doing his duty to his own harm, pulling away from home and from her, literally spilling his life blood. “Didn’t you save any for me?” (Did she think this as his body lay lifeless on her lap?)
Did she feel the pull I feel, between the love of him FOR the way he pours out, for the duty he sees in service to others, for the manly determination and self sacrifice, AND the desire to soften it, to save some of him for herself?
She watched him go out, away, in love and service. And then He came back to her; He came back for real and for eternity, to her and to us, the church.
And now we join the dance of loving and releasing; now we send our husbands and sons off, and we are wrought with pride-fear-sadness-joy as they bring light elsewhere, doing their duty, and we wait.
On Whom are we waiting? We wait on a generous God, who takes what we commend to him, multiplies it, expands our worlds, and blows our minds with his provision. This God who comes back, who brings back, who gathers and makes all things new; He can be trusted with all that is precious.
The generous, pouring love of our Lord lives in you, and it’s almost time for you to pour elsewhere. I’m grateful that we got to have you for ourselves, for a little while.
Keep standing under the waterfall of his grace and letting cover you, and spill out from you onto everyone in your life. I can only guess what your pouring out might look like: making order of chaos, tweaking systems to make them more efficient, or keeping other people in line? It might also look like being a calm loving witness to a flood of someone else’s tears, and it might sound like music, or it could even look like putting a protective fence around a garden of wildflowers.
I can’t wait to see what God’s grace pours into your life and what flows out; may you abide in Him always. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here with the wrinkly Nana-face and the teary eyes that are marveling at the work of God, and saying something like, “WOW, look at you.”
Love you lots,
Mom
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