poetry with Shirley

on the far side of the long table

with the white tablecloth

candles, flowers

we stayed distant and yet connected

over words,

powerful words, slowly read

by a new friend

of music and moods,

tulips and night breezes,

of the hardest time in her life,

her husbands fall on the ice

his early death

the words drew us together

as they floated by the photo of her at 17

before the wrinkles and the diagnosis

how lovely to sit with a friend

who knows the joy of putting words to things

finding the right word for things,

even the hard things, 

brings life and helps us remember

but also tames the storms

we place words on a page

so we can see at arm’s length

seeking perspective, beauty,

even in the silent tear.

Jesus, scatter the darkness

I did not teach them this.

We’ve read no books on the topic. Not one lecture given. Not once have I told them, encouraged them, commanded them.

Yet they know:

It is good to rest in the sun.

Bodies cooled by the water lay still, grateful; getting warm slowly, deliciously.

And I consider how these moments age like wine, how stillness in the vacation sun is treasured more deeply by me now that I have felt the stuffiness of an office building, of a schedule, of the daily grind.  The stillness-- the chance to breathe, to just be--  it is a blessed spot of time, objectively lovely, worth savoring.

My dear children know little of darkness yet, and so they do not appreciate the sun deeply yet, but they do appreciate.  They receive, rest, rejoice, as children.

And this mother who watches them, she rejoices too, but as an adult.  And she ponders these things in her heart.

I consider God, who spoke light into existence, Jesus, the light of the world; His Word, a light unto my path.  I consider the darkness in my heart, the ridiculous way I fight Him, asking to stay in the stuffy office building of my own creation, pretending to prefer the oppressive hot air of my own “righteousness” instead of the free and sweet air of His grace.

I consider the odd and amazing invitation given to me to live in the light, to walk in the light, as He is in the light.  

I breathe in, and pray for a heart open like my hands, for life and light to fill me, for Jesus to scatter my darkness.

The contrast increases as we age, does it not?  As does the threat or darkness, the shadow of death, the horrors we hide in our own closets: darkness oppresses, tries to suffocate, to strangle us.

Do we shut our eyes and pretend it is not happening? Or do we flee for refuge to the only place we can- to God’s infinite mercy, seeking and imploring His grace for the sake of His Son Jesus Christ, our Lord?

I look at my dear babies, soft limbs still playing in the sun.  I would not dream of forbidding them this pleasure.  May they be surrounded with His Word as generously as the sunshine, that they may grow up in the light of Christ.

“…think of yourself as both the blackest night 

and the sun in all its brilliance. 

As the sun rises in the sky, it becomes more and more dominant. 

It chases the darkness away. 

The darkness is not gone, and if the sun stops shining, 

the darkness will return as dark as it was before. 

But as long as the sun shines, it has its way, 

and the world is bathed in light.” 

Gospel Motivation by Robert J Koester p. 52

The light of Christ brings life and sight, warmth and energy with it. 

Just as the light of the sun produces physical life, sight, warmth, and energy in our world, 

so also God’s Word brings life to our dying souls, vision to our dark minds, 

warmth to our cold hearts, and energy to our weak bodies.  

Through His Word the triune God comes to us, makes His home with us, 

and fills us with His presence (cf. John 14:23) 

(Kleinig, Grace Upon Grace, p 116)

updated from original 10/2013

Make me defiant

 Entrust your souls to a faithful creator while doing good.

Entrusting: this seems to be the easy part,  because it’s kind of like falling into my bed in exhaustion; napping though there’s so much work to be done.  The world is not mine to rule.  I’m exhausted, and so I nap.  

Entrust myself. Yes if God is good, I can trust and nap, but can I hide and quit while  He makes it all OK again?  What is this “entrust and do good,” and how can you ask it of someone so weary?

I’m crying and praying in the bedroom.

I do NOT feel grateful and they don’t either. I do not want to pull them together around the kitchen table to do some counting of blessings nonsense.

And so, in utter defiance of my own feelings (and all that is broken in the world)I did exactly that thing.

A thanksgiving tree. “No mom,how about a burning bush like we used to have in indiana?”

Yes, ok, let’s do that.. 

And they gathered around and got excited and joked and fought over the tape and asked me a million times how to spell things. And I taped leaves to the wall.  

Defiant, thankful leaves.

Lord make me defiant.

Not of you, but of the lies that seek to suffocate me. 

Sometimes kicking through the emotions does lead to relief. 

Cutting stupid leaves out of construction paper to write about the gratitude that I most certainly do not feel.

Defiant kitchen singing, loudly and wholeheartedly

Defiant running while focusing on scripture, running through tears even but still running and keeping my eyes literally on the Word.

Defiantly letting the emotions just come, sitting in them, and then defiantly getting up again, too

Help me defy the urge to fight God’s will (the imperfect reality he sent me TODAY.)

Defy the urge to escape by consuming or numbing

Help me defy the urge to resent Him, or this place, or others

I feel the skin irritation, the rage against the noise and the clutter and I feel the urge to make everyone clean everything immediately and be silent and away from me because it is all just TOO MUCH

God, give me the strength to defy these feelings by interacting with them and forcing kindness into my voice and prying my eyes open to see the gifts you give and singing praises that I might not feel.

(O Lord open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise!)

I feel the urge to sue the universe, as if suffering sent to me is wrong somehow and never should even be a thing. I DEFY these feelings and trust my God instead. I will make a defiant loaf of bread and trust in His provision for tomorrow.

(He will from evil shield me, so to him I will yield me)

Defy the darkness; receive and reflect the light. 

This is courageous, heroic and more than we have in us.

God, we need your help.

Fight the darkness in us and around us.

Make us defiant.

---

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (1 Peter 4:19)

It's coming.

 It’s coming.

The days are growing shorter and it’s coming. 

I have feared winter before; I fear it again, but more. 

It’s coming.

Not just the darkness but the uncertainty. 

Today I told the kids a quarantine is inevitable. Every day we leave the house is a gift.

I imagine many of us walk around with the feeling of impending doom.

Squirreling away supplies for the blizzard, or the shutdown, or the illness. 

It’s coming.

Do you feel the urgency?

I feel it daily, it comes up around me and squeezes my chest tight

Which way is the wind blowing?
Dare I check headlines or social media?

I see a mud slinging shit storm

Chaos, coming.

To whom shall we go?

Where is our refuge? 

Our help is still in the name of the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth

To His children: we have to hold each other up, take turns being strong and pulling other ones from the edge of the pit. There is a sun, there is spring, God is love, Christ is risen! This is TRUE and it is all that is true! We must hold fast despite all dark winds and loud voices.

We are already at war. Do you feel it?

Nerve-endings fired up, waiting for attack? That’s part of the attack.

The testing is already beginning.

How are you handling it? 

As for me, it’s already too much. 

I reject this “new normal”

but it ignores my rejection of it, and continues on,

as masked people in grocery stores don’t bother to make eye contact,

as conversation and connection is suffocated and stifled.

Again, Christians, we have to hold each other up, take turns being strong and pulling other ones from the edge of the pit. There is a sun, there is spring, God is love, Christ is risen! This is TRUE and it is all that is true! We must hold fast despite all dark winds and loud voices.

We must remind each other, sing it, say it aloud every hour, every day.

Our help is still in the name of the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth