Fall (ing)

I’m not used to the tiny cars any more.  I feel vulnerable as we drive on the expressway.  There is a boy, barely 16, jammin’ on his steering wheel, going 80 on our left; an old man drives his truck slowly to our right.  So many variables, cruising down the expressway; if just one gets out of order it’s twisted metal and mangled bodies. I pray, as I often do at high speeds, for angels to guard our way, for protection that I don’t deserve, that He hasn’t promised.

He hasn’t promised protection, not in the way I’d like Him to. He hasn’t promised to navigate us through this broken place and not let it touch us; we will break, too.  

My eyes are drawn to the fire-red trees against the October blue sky, bursting bright with glory for a moment.   Then, brake lights flash red and we slow quickly.  Black smoke billows up ahead.  It does not look good.  Folks heading to the football game to tailgate, happy campers, semi drivers just doing their job: we are now in line for a funeral, it seems.  Traffic slows to a stop; it seems fitting, if a life has stopped.  But we didn’t sign up for this in our travels today, and each one copes in his own way. Some turn up the music, check their phones, hide their faces. One girl fingers the rosary beads that swing from her rearview mirror.  One taps the steering wheel impatiently; one gets out of his car repeatedly, too restless to sit and wait, perhaps trying to avoid the reality in which he sits.

45 minutes later we pass the skeleton of a burned out car- wait, no, it’s a minivan, black and gray and completely torched. Oh God, no. Were there babies in there? I will not think of burnt children; I look at the trees instead.  We are back to high speeds. He giveth and He taketh away, but still today for us He giveth. And I receiveth, with fear and trembling.  We will break too, but not right now, and when we will do we will break only to be put back aright by His hands.

Well He knows what best to grant me;
All the longing hopes that haunt me,
Joy and sorrow, have their day.
I shall doubt His wisdom never,--
As God wills, so be it ever,--
I to Him commit my way.

TLH 425