long time traveller

Rest in peace, dear sister in Christ.





Kristie was called to her heavenly home this morning.


Her long journey has ended. Her years were not as long as we wished they could be, but her journey was long in the depths of its sufferings.

Now, she is swimming in the depths of His mercy, eternally alive, and her Baptism has been made complete.

The rest of us journey on.
Jesus, uphold all of us who grieve.



See a sweet tribute to Kristie here
https://d3jpgf0e8alwcn.cloudfront.net/a57f819dcbd35e92a60413dd06b88d15d5f29d0d_1411684304883.mp4

Commit.

Be not foolish, O my soul, 

and do not let the tumult of your vanity deafen the ear of your heart. 

Be attentive. 

The Word itself calls you to return, 

and with him is a place of unperturbed rest, 

where love is not forsaken unless it first forsakes. 

Behold, these things pass away that others may come to be in their place. 

Thus even this lowest level of unity may be made complete in all its parts. 

"But do I ever pass away?" asks the Word of God. 

Fix your habitation in him. O my soul, commit whatsoever you have to him. 

For at long last you are now becoming tired of deceit. 

Commit to truth whatever you have received from the truth, 

and you will lose nothing. 

What is decayed will flourish again; your diseases will be healed; 

your perishable parts shall be reshaped and renovated, 

and made whole again in you. 

And these perishable things will not carry you with them 

down to where they go when they perish, 

but shall stand and abide, 

and you with them, 

before God, who abides and continues forever.

Confessions, CHAPTER XI

surprise!

Eldon left his shoes outside last night, and a horrible thing happened- they were wet this morning. We had planned to go to town today, to Walmart, but he begged for us to have a “stay at home day.” It has been a long week, and Walmart is the last place I wanted to be anyway, so stay home we did. He and Peter and I started our stay-home day by putting on our mudboots (which they could have worn to Walmart, really, but I didn't mention that,) and we took a walk to the pond. Fall is just starting to show its colors around here, so every red leaf they noticed on the ground was a GLORIOUS surpise, worth SHOUTING about, and RUNNING to mom. In moments I had a beautiful boquet of colorful leafs.

It's glorious, isn't it? These shining moments with little ones in nature? Well it is, but let me zoom in for just a moment and show the gritty reality...

“The mud looks like POOP!”
“ha, poop!”
“No, YOU'RE a butt-butt-BUTT.”BOO! (belly laughs, surprise, more more mama more!)

“Hey mom, you know what's funny? POOP!”

Oh, whatever, I think. I just don't even have the energy to try to squash the poop talk. I wanter away slowly with my coffee, letting them play in the poop mud, and I try to process some of the sad things on my heart. I pray for those people for whom we ache. I hum a hymn and look at the cows drinking from the pond and then--

“BUTT!”

“No you're a butt-butt.”

“Enough, boys!”

I re-enter their world, and beg them to find me more pretty leaves.

Homeward, next (and not without more potty humor.)

I give them crayons and tell them to peel the wrapping off so we could do leaf rubbings.

“But mom at church we did that and you said NO.”

Right, the wrappers on the pews, and under them, and put on my lap, I remember. But it's ok here. I have a broom, here.

And the brown crayon looks like (you guessed it!) but we move on to the leaf rubbings.

I wish I had a video camera for this next part.

My four and five year olds turned into babies again, for a moment.

“The leaf goes under the paper, and then you use the crayon like this...”

Eldon tried, and guess what- a LEAF appeared! It was SHOCKING, and absolutely hilarious! Next, I put a leaf under Peter's paper, and you would not BELIEVE it... it happened AGAIN! Bahahahaha they were laughing, and delighted, every single time!!!

It made me think of when they were babies, and they'd play peek-a-boo.

Where's mommy? (they really didn't know!)

BOO! There she is! (surprise! Laughter! Again again!)

Where's mommy? (again, uncertainty...)

That sweet laughter rang in my ears all day.

(It drowned out some- but not all- of the potty jokes that were told later in the day. For the others, I gave them laps to run. Fine, boys, laugh about butts again, but it will cost you a workout.)

I pray a weird prayer:

God, bless these little butt-brains.

Dear friends who are suffering, I pray that God gives you comic relief today, and the eyes to see it, and the freedom to take joy in it even as we grieve. Christ is risen, after all. We can smile through our tears.

It's happening, soon.

We have prayed for her for three years, and now it seems she is dying. Has God not heard us? Does he even care? What was the point of all the walking, and fundraising, and praying? How can it be OK if she is leaving her little children behind? 

Oh children, will you remember this struggle, this grief we share with the Wessel family as Kristie is taken by cancer?

Last night I began to prepare you, and you had so many questions.  “Does it hurt to die?” “What will the kids do?” “Why can’t the doctors help her?” “How did she even get sick?”   At bedtime, I held in my arms one child who was overcome with the thought, who could not fall asleep in a world where children loose mothers unless he was in the embrace of his very own mother.   And why does he get to be in my arms, when others… I needed him close to me, too.

Then it was church day, and how we needed it. How is our pastor-daddy still standing under the weight of this?  But he stands-- and he preaches Christ.  He stands because our God lives, and he upholds those who call on Him.

To my surprise, daddy threw out his sermon, and spoke to the church about what is happening. “We need to talk about this,” he said, and suddenly I felt strapped to the pew.  No, I’d rather not talk. I’d rather just keep moving, keep running from the grief and the questions. I’d rather distract myself, sleep, exercise, read a novel- anything else.  I’d rather do anything other than sit, here, still, while he tells us what we all fear. 

Kristie is dying.

I don’t want to hear it, don’t want to sit in it. I don’t want him to tell me how hard it is and I don’t want to see him cry. But he made us sit. And we all cried. And there he was, pastor, daddy, dear husband- standing in front of everyone, not hiding his heart, his grief, his questions. And he spoke to our heart, our grief, our questions.

Christ is risen, and therefore we have hope.

And now, it is time to "be church."
As God's forgiven children, let us walk together through this valley and let us suffer with those who suffer. Soon, very soon, we will be through the valley and on the other side.  

We have sorrow to go through yet, dear children.  

Let us cling to Him who has gone before, the One who even now carries us homeward.

Soon, he will wipe away every tear from our eyes.

Yes, every single one.

No children, I don't know how that can be possible,

but if God can make you, if He can raise Jesus from the dead, than surely He can do this thing.

(Listen to the sermon, all of you who grieve, at this link )

After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures, and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, “Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen.”

Then one of the elders addressed me, saying, “Who are these, clothed in white robes, and from where have they come?” I said to him, “Sir, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones coming out ofthe great tribulation. They have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

“Therefore they are before the throne of God,
    and serve him day and night in his temple;
    and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence.
They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
    the sun shall not strike them,
    nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
    and he will guide them to springs of living water,and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

(Revelation 7:9-17)

My dear pastor-husband...

You stood in the pulpit today, tears streaming down your face, and implored us all to be church, to hope in God, to lean on Christ as we walk with Kristie through the valley of the shadow of death. Afterwards, I wanted to hug you, to tell you how proud I am of you, the way your heart and your tears and your grief hang out in public, and you make no apology, only point the rest of us with hearts and tears and grief to Jesus. But I couldn’t hug you because I’d never let go; my knees would grow weak with tears and you’d have to coddle me like you do at home. The church sanctuary is not the place for that, so I snuck out the side door, saying quiet prayers of thanksgiving for you, and for God’s continued mercy on us all.

This weekend- two funerals, a wedding, and sad news from every corner- how are you still standing?

You stand because our God lives and upholds you. I see no other explanation.

consider this.

To the one who is exhausted
with the struggle of vocation,
trying to please God and others and it's never enough;

To the one
who feels the urgency to work,
and the guilt for the neglected things,
who wishes she could balance it all,
but there's never enough time...

To the one who is afraid
that she's failing those she loves,
that she fails her God.

To the sinner,
the child of God,
overwhelmed with the world,
and your own pathetic attempts to fix it all,
(like me);

Consider our Jesus.
Step away from all the things that will perish, and consider our Rock, our salvation:
God, who died for us, so that we will not perish eternally.

Consider Him who has called us by name.

Consider His passion,
consider His sufficiency,
for you.

Consider, and do not fear.

I have sinned, Lord, and my sins are many and great beyond measure.  

I nevertheless refuse to commit that most atrocious sin whereby I would accuse you--you who testify by words and works and oath to have made satisfaction for my iniquities--of a lie. 

I do not fear my sins because you are my righteousness. 

I do not fear my ignorance because you are my wisdom (1 Cor 1:30). 

I do not fear death because you are my life. 

I do not fear errors because you are my truth (John 14:6). 

I do not fear corruption because you are my resurrection (John 11:25). 

I do not fear the pain of death because you are my joy. 

I do not fear the severity of the judgment because you are my

righteousness.

( Johann Gerhard, Sacred Meditations, p. 35.  

If you are looking for rich, meaty food for your soul, get this book-
the digital version is free online!)

photo credit:just conservative

He didn't have to, but he did.

On gratitude...

“Our capacity for gratitude is not connected with an abundance of resources but rather with a capacity to notice what it is that we do have.  This is expressed powerfully in the traditional African-American prayer of gratitude that the Lord “woke me up this morning clothed in my right mind. He didn’t have to do it, but he did.” 

(Christine D. Pohl, Living into Community)

It is enough to journey well (chaos and contentment #5)

Where are we leading this horse anyway?

Is there even time to stop and wonder? Or shall we just keep rushing ahead to who-knows-where? What counts in this race- effort, speed, attitude, trophies?

I am a finisher. I feel most successful after a job well done, heavy on the “done.” Completed tasks are a beautiful thing, aren’t they? A room, organized. A pie, baked. A garden, weeded. These are things that cause me to stand up tall, brush my hands off, smile a satisfied smile, and give myself permission to rest.

But my assigned jobs lately are never done, not in that way. Can you relate? Is your house ever clean enough? Are you organized enough? Are you physically fit enough? Have you children been loved enough? Have you prayed enough today? No, no, not even close, nope, and no.

Where are we leading this horse? And does it have to keep going at breakneck speed until we arrive at the end of the race, wherever that is? Can there be rest without guilt? Can we simplify our lives without failing someone or something?

Where is this horse taking us?

In church Sunday, my horse ran in to an electric fence. My aim was off, and I was convicted. After prayers for help, repentant feelings, and joy in God's grace, I returned home. And again, the work undone crowded in- the tasks, the kids, the noise. It crowded in so quickly I almost let it choke out the seeds that God had only just planted.

Do you feel that, too? The way the world and our flesh tries so hard to suffocate the life that God gives us?

You are aiming that horse in some direction. Do you know where? Have your muscles started to fatigue? Is your vision blurry? Do you rush forward into the fog, just to keep moving?

If we take no time to adjust our aim, than we will be directed by the standards of the world and the desires of our flesh. We will be pushed off course. It is certain. Sinners are guaranteed to lose their way if they do not constantly hold tight to the hand of the Lord.

He who has given life to us, gives us new life in Him. He who made us also forgives us and renews us. He who leads us also upholds us. How, then, shall we journey well? What does God want us to do with our days here?

Jesus said,

“Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal.” Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:27-29)

Did you hear that, friends with jobs that will never be done? Did you notice the way God both scolds and invites us in this passage? He does not call us to better, more, faster, higher, harder work as our culture does. How often I fall to this, and try to seek rest in those things that perish? Instead, God invites us to rest- rest given as a gift. He is at the head of the table, serving us the food that endures to eternal life. “Take and eat,” He says. Sit down.

Do this work, this holy work: believe in Him who God has sent.

Believe. Feed your faith, knowing that faith comes by hearing, and hearing the Word of God. Stop that horse, early and often, and feed on the words that give life. Let the God who serves do the serving. Let Christ our Leader direct your paths.

Receive: Will not He who gave you His own Son give you all things? He who poured out His blood for you will not withhold any good thing from His child's waiting hands.

Do not be deceived- this is work that He gives you. It is a battle against the world and your own flesh. You must fight for the time spent at His table. Do not let the things of this world squeeze you so tightly that you cannot open hands and mouth and heart and ears and receive from our God.

How do we journey well?
First, we cling to Jesus, we feed on His Word, we cling to life that is truly life. Then we break off pieces of what we receive to share with those around us.
Everything else-- the laundry, the dust bunnies, the homework assignments, the toned abs-- is just details.



Father,
Open our ears to Your Word and our hearts to Your love for us in Christ. Fill us Lord with your Spirit, with forgiveness and grace. Put your hand on the reins of our horses and guide us, ever keeping our eyes on You. Secure in Your love, let us then go forth with gratitude to attend to the details of loving our neighbor with the strength you provide. Amen.

"It is enough to get the love of God into your bones and to live as if you are forgiven. It is enough to care for each other, encourage each other, and wash the dishes." Chris Rice

This post is part 5 in a series on chaos and contentment- click below for the rest of the series.

Part 1

I will never feel caught up 

Part 2

Peck after peck after peck

Part 3

Mama Controller

Part 4

Whoa Nellie