not the doctor

 Can we put our struggles under a microscope, can we dice up our brain-body-soul in such a way that we can categorize all the pieces? 

Biology, idolatry, chemical triggers, environment, selfishness, need, wounds given, wounds received, genetics, and downright sin- What is what and how does it all go together? 

I once thought the answer to that question was of supreme importance. 

Surely, I need to sort it out, because I need to respond and work in the right direction in order to heal, right? 

Well, no, actually.

I am not the physician here. I am the patient; and all that is required of me is check in to the hospital.  The healing work is Jesus’ work. 

What is sin-- He sees, and forgives, cleanses. He makes the crooked places straight.

What are wounds- He sees, and He listens to their stories while He treats them. Many are still healing; He checks on them often.

What is weakness--- He sees, and sometimes we start physical therapy.
Sometimes, even if I want physical therapy, He gives me the gift of acceptance instead, and teaches me to compensate, to hobble along imperfectly, and to stop fighting for something that is not promised. 

When it’s all tangled up and I’m just a mess of need, He is not unsettled. 

He simply pulls up a chair next to my hospital bed and hears me out. Then He reminds me of His capability, and tells me I should drink some water and take a nap. 

Healing takes time.

Jesus is near me as my surgeon, nurse, and friend.

Biology, idolatry, chemical triggers, environment, selfishness, need, wounds given, wounds received, genetics, and downright sin- What is what and how does it all go together? 

Child, you can rest without all the answers. Jesus is your physician, and you are in His care.

Trust his prescription for you, one day at a time. 

impossible peace

I have been at war with my own body since as long as I can remember.  

I have lived in a world with too much food and not enough food simultaneously, always, in a body screaming and nagging all the time, cravings clawing at my brain and even thinking in my own voice, bullying and manipulating for the sole purpose of keeping me in the crazy cycle. My body literally cannot tell me what to eat or when to stop because it’s distorted and twisted and broken and craving and starving in ways that nobody can see. 

About 3 years ago, I was driven (again) to desperate googling, and I came across the words “food addiction.” I didn’t think it was a real thing, but the more I read the more I saw myself, the more I finally felt like my battle was becoming clearer.

I say it with confidence now. I am a food addict. 

When I say “addict,” I do not mean I just really like food, or that I am a little emotionally dependent on food. I am using that word in its most serious sense: persistent, compulsive use of a drug despite substantial harm and adverse consequences.

I have lived with “Oh no, this is hurting me/ ruining my life;” and also “I can’t stop, why can’t I stop?” I am “unable to call to mind with sufficient force the suffering of a day/week/month ago to stop myself from picking (food) up again…” 

UNABLE. Like, my brain CANNOT do it. I have a massive blind spot: I cannot trust my own brain to make reasonable decisions around food. (To realize one cannot trust one’s own brain is rather terrifying.)

I have been staggering down the path of recovery, and trying to live in accordance with what I have learned in these years.  I am not “all better,” I have come to accept that I will never be “normal” in this life.  But I am learning to live in a freedom I never thought possible before, and I think I’m finally ready to talk about it.

I have an addiction, an eating disorder, a brain set out to destroy me with food / drink (or anything else ya got, probably)

I am an addict. 

And it’s also true that I am OK. 

I’m great, even; by the grace of God and with the help of others.

For me, peace and freedom is only possible when I hold the hand of Jesus and walk inside the boundaries layed out in Bright Line Eating.  This is my treatment plan:. No sugar. No flour. Weighed, measured, pre-planned meals. No snacks, no impulse food decisions. Ever. 

That sounds intense, and it is. It is a treatment plan for an intense problem. 

I would have never tried this had I not been sick and desperate. I would never have followed it one day at a time if I did not have active help from God Himself and the support of others. 

It is no small thing for me to be able to write these words with honesty-- 

I am no longer at war with myself.

I am learning another layer of living  “weak and loved” as God meets me in this weakness. And even in this, He forgives, loves, and provides, abundantly, and proves to me over and over that He is faithful and He is enough.

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Why am I sharing this? 

In part, because I was helped by other people sharing their stories. Addiction comes with oceans of shame, and shame bullies us into isolation. Isolation is the opposite of what we actually need to heal. 

The reality of the grace of God in Christ frees us to be the children that we are; to come to God with a tangled mess of a life and barf it all out in front of him and then let HIM put the pieces back together.  Speaking truth in the presence of God and others (and others) is the beginning of health and freedom. 

If this resonates with you, consider researching food addiction, and know that there IS help.

Check out my favorite resources including Bright Line Eating 

(especially the addiction susceptibility scale/ quiz)

You are not uniquely broken. 

You are not alone. 

There is hope.